No One In Hollywood Can Throw A Football—And 10 Other Things Top Gun: Maverick Taught Me.
#1. Damn, I missed the movies.
Dentists all across America should be thrilled, as for the first time in nearly three years, people will be going to the movies again. A lot of them. And that means some of these people will be eating Jujyfruits. Related, there’s no way to type Jujyfruits and not have it look busted. Maybe ALL CAPS? JUJYFRUITS. Better, but still weird. Anyways, remember Jujyfruits, they stick to your teeth? Dentist joke . . .anyone?
But in all seriousness, we owe a debt of gratitude to Top Gun: Maverick for sitting on the shelf for 2-years because it simply had to be seen in the theater. I love that. In a world where we no longer need to renew our parking tabs or even go into the office anymore, it’s nice that Mr. Cruise was like, “Theaters or bust!” And here’s the deal, it’s different in the theater. And, it makes a difference in the theater. My family and I were so excited to be back at the movies, we arrived thirty minutes early. We asked to have our popcorn buttered in the middle, and on top. My son bought an ICEE and nachos, and the wife even snuck in some wine in a Vitamin Water bottle. Not our first rodeo.
Top Gun: Maverick is not a movie you should be watching on your phone, or on Netflix, or in your basement. It’s a blockbuster. For anyone who doesn’t know what a blockbuster is. It’s a movie that’s so big its poster is usually on the side of your popcorn bucket and Coke Freestyle cup. It’s a movie big enough to lift its leg and mark its territory on a 3-day holiday weekend. Blockbusters. It’s a thing we used to all do, back when America was America. It was fun! You’ll just have to trust me.
More importantly, we need the movies back. While not perfect, Top Gun: Maverick is a timely reminder of movie magic. Have you ever had that feeling coming home from the theater where you don’t know what’s real and what’s not? It’s an out of body experience. A really great movie can be so strong you probably shouldn’t be driving home from the theater. Not to mention movies have the power to give you that angsty, dreamy, coming-of-age goodness where you think, “I want to be him or her when I grow up,” even if you’re all grown up. Seeing a movie in the theater has the power to make a movie in your head later. So, yeah, I missed the movies. And Top Gun: Maverick is an unapologetic, put the toy in the Happy Meal, good old-fashioned movie.
#2. Top Gun: Maverick isn’t “Top Gun 2,” it’s Top Gun for a new generation.
The most pleasing part of seeing Top Gun: Maverick was listening to my college aged son and his buddy talking on the way out of the theater:
“That was a good movie.”
“Maybe better than the original.”
Have you figured it out yet? What the best Top Gun movie is? For people my age, it’s certainly the original. Top Gun: Maverick is good, not great. But it’s hard to make a sequel to Top Gun, so the effort should be applauded. And for anyone young enough to carry their phones in their back pockets, Top Gun: Maverick will be their favorite Top Gun. Which is okay because it’s basically the same movie. Only Myles Teller (Rooster) is Goose, Glen Powell (Hang Man) is Ice, and Maverick is, well, Maverick. Of course, he is.
Truth be told, I’m a bit of a Top Gun superfan. A connoisseur. I watch the original every Father’s Day. I spent the last two weeks contemplating my call sign . . .GREASER, if you must know. And I believe I can quote every line of the original film. Because, let’s face it, every line in the original Top Gun is quotable, even the deeper cuts:
“Slider, you stink.”
“Relax about the MiG.”
“I can’t hear you!”
“Gutsiest move I ever saw man.”
“Cougar IS a good man.”
In many ways, a Top Gun sequel is a hard sell, but Top Gun: Maverick works. As my brother put it, it’s like a really good tribute band playing your favorite band’s hits. Like Journey, only with the Asian guy not Steve Perry.
#3 Apparently, no one in Hollywood can throw a football.
We need to talk about this beach football scene. At least in the original, the Naval Aviators knew how to play beach volleyball. The beach football scene in Top Gun: Maverick is truly astonishing for the fact that apparently not a single person in the cast knows how to throw a football. It was all wrist as the guys flicked the ball downfield. It was almost as if they were doing a deep inside joke, or an homage to the original because it looked so deliberately bad like something out of Hot Shots! Part Deux or even Zoolander. Not to mention, did I miss something or did their beach football game start with two footballs being simultaneously hiked in different directions, therefore two offenses were going head-to-head at the same time?! It’s complete madness.
#4 Glen Powell is going to be a massive star.
Glen Powell jumps off the screen in Top Gun: Maverick. I’ve already called my financial planner to double down on toothpick companies in my portfolio. Glen Powell has been in-line to become the second coming of Matthew McConaughey since he starred in Richard Linklater’s Everybody Wants Some, but Top Gun: Maverick should be the movie to finally give him the wattage he deserves. Cue up the rom-coms, and leading man action-fare because Glen Powell is just the sort of old-fashioned movie star Hollywood doesn’t seem to make anymore.
#5 Scientology might actually work.
Another notable difference watching Top Gun: Maverick in 2022, as compared to Top Gun in 1986 is the “Tom Cruise effect.” As in, drum major for scientology, jumping on Oprah’s couch, doesn’t-age-ever Tom Cruise. Watching the movie, leading man Cruise is 59 but at times could pass for being in his thirties. I’m not sure how Cruise has stopped the aging process, maybe he’s drinking babies’ blood, or scientology works, or maybe he and Tom Brady sold their souls to the devil. Whatever they did, it’s working. That said, the more you know about Tom Cruise is bound to have a diminishing effect on Top Gun: Maverick as you find yourself rolling your eyes going, “of course Tom Cruise thought it should go this way.”
#6 Apparently Jennifer Connelly drank the baby blood too.
Kudos to Top Gun: Maverick for putting a MILF on-screen properly for the first time since maybe Stifler’s mom in American Pie. Connelly’s head turns wearing mom jeans as she walks up to her front door are a thing of pure beauty, as this 51-year-old actress is clearly also from good stock.
#7 No one can take off sunglasses or run like Tom Cruise. No one.
Maybe he sold his soul to the devil, but no one can take off a pair of sunglasses or sprint on the silver screen quite like Tom Cruise. There are multiple running scenes for Cruise in Top Gun: Maverick, who may have the fastest forty-yard dash in the Screen Actors Guild. Not to mention his unique blade style with his hands at his sides, it’s truly awesome stuff. I could watch Tom Cruise run all day. And the way he clips off his aviator sunglasses with bow-legged delight, is also a thing of beauty. And lucky for us, Cruise takes off his sunglasses approximately forty times in Top Gun: Maverick.
#8 The best enemy is the one you never see.
The world is scary enough today. Just turn on the news. One of the great joys of the Top Gun franchise is that the enemy is always a vague “rogue state.” We never really know who or where we are fighting, only that there is a black helmeted Vader-like enemy with vaunted 5th Generation fighters. It’s refreshing, almost like the white hat, black hat dichotomy of old Westerns. And a nice reminder that sometimes the best way to suspend disbelief, is to not insist on including reality.
#9 Fifth generation fighter planes are cool.
I’m not sure what exactly constitutes a 5th Generation fighter, but I remain haunted by one battle scene from Top Gun: Maverick. In a dogfight sequence one of the enemy’s Fifth Generation fighters does what only can be described as a “Peter Forsberg breakaway dead-arm,” somehow managing to have his jet float past Maverick’s plane like a scuba diver going with the current or the second dislocated “j” in Jujyfruits. I have no idea if the laws of physics would ever allow this aerial maneuver to happen, but it’s the dogfight scene that will stick with you, which is saying a lot because Top Gun: Maverick is full of them.
#10 Original always wins.
The hyperbole around Top Gun: Maverick is and will continue to be significant. Many will say “it’s better than the original,” and some have even said, “It’s the best movie ever!” Wow, okay. And while it’s true I may be 48 years old and may have texted NEGATIVE, GHOSTRIDER. THE PATTERN IS FULL on more than one occasion, it’s just a fact the original Top Gun is better than Top Gun: Maverick. Mostly because, like all things original, the 1986 Top Gun had NO IDEA what it was doing. And that’s the biggest knock on Top Gun: Maverick, it knows all too well what it's doing. And at times it does too much, is too self referential.
#11 Why do we insist on struggling, when the Top Gun font could save America?
The first moment of nostalgia in Top Gun: Maverick besides the music, is when you see that distinct Top Gun font you didn’t know you had been craving for the last 36 years. Why isn’t this font pre-loaded into every new laptop and iPhone? Why aren’t we teaching it in schools? Here we are falling behind China, with gas prices rising on the daily—when all we had to do was give everyone the Top Gun font to level up our excellence as a Nation. Why hasn’t this happened?! I have no idea.
