FLOATING FREELOADERS. 7 WAYS TO GET INVITED BACK ON YOUR FRIEND’S BOAT.
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Boating season is almost here. But there’s only one problem—you don’t own a boat. And that’s okay. Owning a boat is a big responsibility and an even bigger dent in the checkbook. The best situation is that you befriend someone with a boat and become their private boat club’s go-to customer. Here are seven ways to make sure you always get invited back on their boat.
Keep it Clean
Most boat owners are quite particular about their ship’s upkeep. They didn’t just spend their kid’s college savings to have some schlub spit sunflower seeds all over it. Keep it neat and watch what you bring onto their floating oasis. At the top of this list is what’s on the bottom of your feet. Before boarding, always remove your shoes and wipe the sand off those gnarly Fred Flintstones. And once you’re on board, don’t break out food or drink that could cause a disaster. Red wine is absolute no-no. Spilling Cab Sav will get you capped in ass. And leave the cheesy chips at home. Orange Cheeto chunks and Dorito dust are not a good accent color for pearl-white vinyl seats. Finally, after you delete a case of Corona, keep track of your crap. No boat owner wants a pitted-out tank top, a half-empty tube of SPF-50 and a moldy beach towel left behind under their captain’s chair.
Be a Good First Mate
If a boat captain gives you permission to come aboard, then fall in line sailor and be a good deckhand. If you’ve watched Below Deck on Bravo, then you’d know that a deckie (as they call them) can’t as much lift a cheek to fart without first asking Captain Lee. For you that means no sudden twerking or aggressive cooler relocations. Instead, be a lookout for rogue jet skis and be quick on the draw with an emergency bumper or spring line (no, don’t even think about calling it a rope). In fact, your duties may include tying off the boat, so brush up on your cleat hitch and double bow-line monkey fist. Just remember if you can’t tie and knot, then just tie it a lot. Finally, unlike those deckies on Below Deck, stick to the anchor drops and sand bar push-offs rather than trying to dock your dingy in every slip you see.
Bring Something to Share
Boat people have their set standbys. That’s why when they invite you out for a day on the water, you better come prepared with something new and exciting to share. An awesome summer music playlist is a great place to start—and be open to all genres. When in doubt let Shaboozey set the tone. Is it country, hip hop or pop? After a double shot of whiskey, who cares? Now for food and drinks: Chances are they’ll jump overboard if they see another hot dog or Miller Lite. Instead, plan ahead and be the life of the snack party. For drinks, mix up a simple pitcher of spicy margaritas or sangrias to share. As for food, you can’t be rolling in with some janky, half-eaten Costco veggie tray. Do a little prep the night before by cooking up some caprese-on-a-stick or chicken satay skewers, because when boating, you can’t beat food with a handle. For less prep, whip up a fun dip, accompanied with a sliced baguette to soak up those seltzers. And if pre-planning fails, screw it, Jimmy Johns makes an incredible and freaky fast party platter. One other note on shareables: Make sure to check the back of your buddy’s boat. If you see an upside-down pineapple, you might be asked to share something you weren’t intending to, so consider this your fair warning.
Keep it Light
No matter if your friend has a super yacht or a pontoon, every inch is crucial space that needs to be efficiently organized. Don’t clog it up by emptying your entire garage onto it. If you can’t transport your belongings to the boat in one trip, then you need to cut back. For fishermen, that includes things like needless fishing tackle and live bait. You’re already being a leach, no need to bring extras. And as for you party bargers, nobody wants to constantly step over your yard games, extravagant floaties and most importantly, the deep freezer that you call a cooler. Unless your buddy’s boat needs a new anchor, leave your 80-pound Yeti at home. Last we checked the marina doesn’t have a crane to lift that tank on board. Instead, bring a reasonably-sized insulated backpack and when you’re out of drinks, just steal beers out of other people’s coolers like the uncivilized douchebag everybody knows you are.
Channel Your Inner Bob Marley
Don’t worry. About a thing. Because every little thing is gonna be alright. The reason why islanders are worry-free is probably because natural waters are like a healing elixir. Let your problems wash away. But if that doesn’t work, maybe try the other popular Jamaican calming remedy, because nobody wants to be peppered with your anxiety bullets. Put your car keys on a floating key chain and pack away your phone and political talk because a boat is not a petting zoo for drama llamas. Just go with the (river) flow. And truth-be-told, it’s that same easy-going attitude needed for when nature calls—don’t make anyone pull up anchor just because you have to drop yours. Pee with the fishes and learn how to release a brown trout downstream.
Don’t Be “That Guy”
We get it, when you’re not a regular on a boat, it’s very exciting being on the water. But don’t go off the deep end with the drinks and water stunts. The combination of sun, water and booze can take you from floating on a boat to floating face down in the water. If your TikTok algorithm is like ours, you’ve seen it all before. Blasted boaters playing a game of dock-hop only to smoke their heads off the stern. And then there’s shins sliding into to bow railings, toes being split by dock cleats, and anchor ropes ripping off ring fingers. Unfortunately for these people, there aren’t many swim-up ERs, which means your boat buddy now must play lifeguard, trauma nurse and EMT transport to get you to safety. Rule of thumb, stick to a sensible six-pack and when moving about, always have three points of contact. If not, your friend is going to make one big point of never having you back on their boat.
Be the Eye Candy
We’ve all seen baller rap videos featuring a bunch of sexy people on a boat, right? Well, for your friend with a boat, this is their baller rap video. Therefore, if you don’t have good treats to share, make sure you bring the eye candy. Operation hot-girl-summer starts now and we’re not being gender exclusive. The March Madness discounts at Buffalo Wild Wings ended a long time ago, so keto-up you fatties. And if you can’t cut weight, remember this phrase: if you can’t tone it, tan it. Because tan fat equals muscle. When in doubt about your appearance on a boat, here’s a couple of rules to live by: First, swim shirts are for six-year-olds. Next, accentuate your banana boat—and no we’re not talking about the sunscreen. And finally, the Coast Guard recommends always having your floatation devices out and easily accessible. (You’re near the end of this article. You get where we’re going.)
Good luck to all you boat mooches this summer. Remember, living this luxurious lifestyle isn’t easy, especially when you’re boatless. So, stick to the plan, kiss some ass and step on as many other non-boaters heads as needed, to climb up the invite list to your buddy’s boat.
