The Grad Party: A Parent’s Guide To Pomp & Circumstance Celebrations
In your mind it’s going to be epic, but in the end, you reek of midwestern rituals and pulled pork. Don’t worry, you’re not alone.
Some of you call it summer but here in the Midwest we call it a graduation party. One long string of gatherings to celebrate kids we hardly know for doing exactly what society figured they’d do.
If you’ve ever hosted one, you’ll understand when we say it can be one of life’s most consuming traditions. No matter how sensible a person you are going in, there’s a point of no return we all encounter.
Phase One: Household Projects
Now that the invites are sent, you take a look around your home. Welcome to Phase One: The irrational realization that you’ve been living in an outdated, rundown, one-star pigsty. Friends and family see a charming suburban home, but you’re convinced it looks like Eddie Munson’s trailer minus the dead cheerleader. What began as a plan to clean up the garage and paint the fence quickly spins out of control. Before you know it, you’re on your third pressure washer, consistently covered in paint splatter and doing your best to hide all lawn imperfections with wood chips. So. Many. Wood chips.
In brief moments of clarity, you wonder when this obsessive phase will end. By around May 10, you stop cooking altogether and in the name of “I just cleaned it,” ban the family from using the bathroom. Dad is installing garage flooring and building last minute pergolas, while mom develops irrational obsessions with bedroom closet organizing and painting stairwells guests will never see.
Grad Party Prep Phase Two: Food For Thought
Keep It Simple Stupid.
The next phase of a grad party can set the tone for the day: the menu. It’s an important decision, and not because of the quality of the food. Some of the best parties have served ballpark franks and potato chips. No, the thing that sets the tone is the level of complication you invite with your culinary selections. If your comfort level is pulled pork, grab some buns and call it a day. But if you feel the sudden urge to try your hand at smoked salmon canapés, you’re asking a lot of yourself and your guests. A high school graduate, when asked what food he’d like served at his summer celebration, without missing a beat, said, “a cajun seafood boil.” He got fried chicken.
Equally important, remember that less is more. Whether you’re doing a breakfast thing, a dinner thing or desserts: take the advice you give juniors on prom night and know when to stop. A taco bar is great idea …but if your garage is a chaotic labyrinth of buffet tables struggling to impersonate the offerings of Chipotle, you’re asking for trouble. If you’ve been to one of these parties, you’ll know what I mean; salsa verde does battle with coagulated queso and the tread of your shoes become impacted with what you hope are refried beans.
Don’t Sweat the Sweet Tooth.
We’ve seen families spend endless hours and sleepless nights baking cupcakes and those little rolled cookies to look like diplomas. Fun fact. tour town has at least seven bakeries to choose from and each are cheaper than all of this DIY nonsense. So unless you’re auditioning for “The Great British Bake Off,” hang up the apron.
Take it Personally
Google the phrase “Grad Party” and you’ll quickly learn that that are several companies who can and will personalize anything. A word of caution? There’s a fine line between clever and disturbed. For instance: if there is a picture of little Ashley near the desserts declaring she’s “One Smart Cookie,” that’s the right amount of cute. But if there are bowls upon bowls of M&Ms featuring her face on each? A line has been crossed.
The Weather Doesn’t Give a Sh*t About Your Party
Welcome to the home stretch. You’ve broken your back and budget getting things ready. The tent and tables are set up, the linens are in place and the centerpieces have been arranged. It hurts, but you start to smile. Things are finally coming together. And just like that Mother Nature decides to f*ck with you in all her glory.
Downpours and high winds undetected by local radar pop up, seemingly confined to just your backyard. This is a defining moment. You run into battle to secure what can be secured and abandon what has been lost. Twine and sandbags are hastily invited into the theme of your décor, while you mourn the loss of meticulously crafted picture skewers laying across the lawn like fallen soldiers.
Turning the Tassel
The reality is that the grad party has a purpose. Sure, it helps line the pockets of the graduate. But the unseen advantage is this: Whether the graduate is headed to college, off to a job, moving in with friends or exploring their next phase of their life, they will by-and-large be doing this without you. The party has served as a fabulous distraction to the anxiety that comes with saying goodbye.
In the end, the biggest takeaway is to stop competing with the Jones’ or whichever of your condescending neighbors or friends you feel the need to stick it to. Play your game, and don’t worry about what others are doing. Your guests, family and most of all––your graduate will appreciate the effort.
