The Minnesota News Anchor Mock Draft 1.0
For most sports fans, the time after March Madness is dominated by the NFL draft. You can’t flip to ESPN without seeing their recent Mock Draft version 237. But here in Minnesota, while we love our NFL team, we have something that outshines nearly every other market in the country—our local news broadcasts. Similar to the NFL, there’s a ton of talent here, many with high upside, great measurables and boom or bust potential. All of this made us think: if we were drafting the best team of local news anchors, what would that look like?
So, with the first pick in the MN News Anchor Mock Draft, Pulltab Sports selects…
There’s a number of blue chippers who could be drafted #1 overall. For us, we want to pick someone here who can be the face of the franchise and has strong journalistic integrity. And that pick goes to Julie Nelson. She’s got all the measurables. Smart, sophisticated and Kare-ing. She’s a Minnesotan’s Minnesotan (her name is Julie Nelson for God’s sake!) A word of warning though: watch your back Julie. Guaranteed that Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie have a Jeff Gillooly/Tonja Harding style hit out on you right now.
If you’re looking for prominent Minnesota TV personalities, you better have someone who represents the most prominent city in the state—Edina. Enter Belinda Jensen, or as her besties call her, Bell. One look at Bell and there’s no mistaking she’s from Edina. With her 50th and France couture, her perfectly styled blonde hair, and her “I’m better than you without even trying” attitude, not only does she look the part, she’s the sum of perfect parts. She’s a whip-smart, meteorologist with confidence and swagger, effortlessly explaining the weather and making you feel like you’re in the cool-kids club. If you need proof of how far she’s come, just check out this video from way back.
Based on our draft board, if our pretend news team decides to employ the traditional male/female anchor system, we’ll be filling a need for a strong male persona at pick #3. Leave it to Minnesota for those top anchors to both be named Randy. This may be the unpopular pick, but we’re selecting Randy Meier over Randy Shaver. He’s got the chops that took him all the way to MSNBC before returning home to MN. And here in this state, we love stories of our heroes returning home. Actually, we’re a little surprised that Meier with his chiseled jaw and smooth, nonthreatening vibe wasn’t picked to be the successor to Chris Harrison on The Bachelor.
It may feel like a reach picking Alix this high, especially for a morning show host who’s not from a power-three network. But she’s got all the tools of a 5-star recruit. While small in stature, she’s power-packed with brains, beauty, and a perfectly balanced no bullshit meter. A veteran of the news industry for 25 years, Alix has worked her way up to being the main boss bitch, telling it like it is, seemingly without out any effs to give. For millions of Minnesotans, she starts the day out stronger than a double shot of espresso. Her local broadcasts outshine and out-relate the canned enthusiasm of those on the national morning shows—whose idea of authenticity is rolling out charismatic ex-football players in ten thousand-dollar suits.
There’s not a more proven Minnesota talent in this mock draft than Boyd Huppert and his Land of 10,000 Stories. In fact, you won’t find a docuseries with better storytelling or emotion than what he’s been bringing into our living rooms for nearly 30 years. Huppert’s stories are responsible for shedding more tears than Minnesota sports team in the playoffs. Amazing, heartwarming, and inspirational, Land of 10,000 Stories is a rare shred of decency in a divided and shredded news industry. When asked his favorite story, it’s no surprise Boyd picks one that embodies his character. It’s the story from the tiny town of Leroy, Minnesota. A widowed, frugal farmer, who after his death, donates his quietly amassed three-million dollar fortune to those most in need including churches, fire stations and even senior living center, only to have those people pay it forward as well. As Boyd has recently been diagnosed with a rare bone marrow cancer, hopefully we can continue to pay forward his gift of kindness and generosity.
Here’s the best bang for your buck in the draft. With Frank and Amelia, you get a two-fer. There’s no way we’re going to be responsible for splitting up this married couple. Everyone knows chemistry between anchor partners is a must, and this pair has three kids together to prove it. In-between commercial breaks they probably knock one out before the Window World jingle even finishes. Unlike most news terrorists, they have a calming presence that might remind you of your friend’s parents growing up. You know, the ones who after busting you with peach schnapps gave you a hug and told you they still love you. However, if we had to pick just one, we’d have to give the nod to Frank for pulling off this epic Ron Burgundy live, on-air moment.
Shaver’s definitely proven he’s ready for the big leagues. With over 40 years of experience, he’s the only active broadcaster elected to the MN broadcasting Hall of Fame. He’s also tackled cancer, beating it into submission twice. With all that, somehow, he looks like he’s just hitting his stride. Promoted from sports to the main anchor desk, he still hosts his weekly Prep Sports Extra which is the only show on Friday nights worth watching, that is, unless creepy Keith Morrison is doing a Dateline episode. Shaver would be much higher on our draft board if he reported one-eighth as much on high school hockey as he does on the Eden Prairie Football and Hopkins Basketball teams alone.
If you’re looking for a fresh face on Minnesota news channels, Megan is hot and fresh out the kitchen. She’s moving up the draft board quickly. In fact, you might have to trade up to get her. This pick may also feel like a reach but watching her will remind you of a young Julie Nelson and even make you wonder if she’ll be next in line over at Kare 11. Don’t look for any of Megan’s co-anchors to be on this draft board, however. Besides some solid role players like Kenny B and Joe Schmidt, we don’t know what the hell is going on over there at KSTP. It’s like nerd factory cranking out dorky white guys. Darren “Doogie” Wolfson knows his sports, but he looks less like a guy who can break down a Vikings game and more like a guy who’ll drive you there in his Uber.
Do not screw with Ian Leonard. He’s a silver-tongued smart-ass that knows his shit. He was explaining barometric pressure twenty years before Sven Sungaard felt the barometric pressure to leave Kare 11. It’s too bad we lost Sven, the most Scandinavian news personality ever. He was stylish and dynamic, but got caught up in the cancel culture. Ian Leonard, on the other hand, is too seasoned to be saying dumb stuff on Twitter. Watching Leonard, you get the feeling he’s a real scientist, not just a pretty face who stands in front of a green screen and mispronounces cities like “WhyZAYta and MAT-toemedye.” You’re more likely to see Leondard commanding the stage like a stand-up comedian spitting one-liners about nerdy facts that would make Bill Nye’s pants tight.
Sometimes you draft the best player available, but other times you have to address a need and Minnesota news channels are in desperate need of talented sports anchors. Mike Max may be available at this pick, but his over-dramatic speech pattern concerns us. After all, sports is supposed to be fun. And with Randy Shaver moving to the anchor spot, Rosey making his new home on KFAN and Eric Perkins pulling an Andrew Luck and retiring in his prime (wait that guy is 55, we thought he was 35?). Joe is a solid pick here. Not only is he the best with Vikings coverage, we like Joe because he looks like a guy who drinks so much Hamm’s beer he’s turned into the damn Hamm’s bear mascot.
