Roadhouse 1989 vs. Road House 2024 —Turns out someone does win a fight.
The triumphant remake of Road House, has us questioning our friend group as it has sparked some debate as to which of the Road House films is, in fact, the true champion. We’ve decided we can’t let this conflict fester any longer, forcing us headlong into some serious analysis.
The good news is we can legitimately consider ourselves experts here. We’ve watched the new Road House more times than Denver has won the NCAA college hockey championship, and we’ve also lovingly returned to the 1989 original to make sure we can accurately score the contest.
Is it a red herring, that we are choosing to have Road House be two words in this introduction? Perhaps. But in the spirit of both the throat-ripping one word original and the MMA inspired two word remake, Pulltab Sports is putting both films in the ring to kill or be killed.
It’s Roadhouse 1989 Vs. Road House 2024. And despite what James Dalton wants to tell you, in this case, someone is going to win the fight.
To settle this score we will proceed with 12 categories scored as official rounds in this heavyweight battle between the remake and the original. Enjoy.
Round 1—Location.
The original Roadhouse takes place in Kansas City next to Red’s auto parts store, while the remake is set in the Florida Keys along the beach, conveniently close to a hospital and a bus stop.
Kansas City? Really? While the recent Super Bowl parade is indication that KC is a hard knocks city, besides Mahomes, pine tar, and maybe some good barbecue . . .KC is a snooze fest compared to the liquor soaked, Hemmingway hangout of the Florida Keys. This one isn’t even close. If you were looking to host a Bar Fight Festival or take a member of the Bills Mafia on his bachelor party, the Florida Keys would sit atop the list.
WINNER: ROAD HOUSE 2024.
Round 2—Leading Man.
Roadhouse 1989 stars Patrick Swayze as the drifter James Dalton, while Road House 2024 has Jake Gyllenhaal as leading man Elwood Dalton (presumably James’ son). Swayze’s Dalton is an interesting character who lays in the weeds for most of the film, trying to always be “nice” unless he’s forced with a kill or be killed situation.
Where Swayze commits to his mysterious James Dean character, Gyllenhaal adds a bit more humor, a little Ryan Reynolds style likeability to the Dalton family tree. In the end after watching both films (way too many times) you can’t help but leave feeling that Gyllenhaal’s Dalton is cool, while Swayze’s Dalton is a bit of an odd duck. Add in Gyllenhaal’s Fight Club body, and it’s clear Elwood would win an arm-wrestling match with his dad.
WINNER: ROAD HOUSE 2024.
Round 3—Supporting Cast.
The original Roadhouse does wonders with its supporting cast, namely a mustache-less Sam Elliott. Elliott is an absolute stud in the original Road House as Dalton’s mentor Wade Garrett, playing the perfect black t-shirt to Swayze’s white one. Elliott is so good, a rewatch of the original Road House will make you wonder if A Star is Born is somehow in the Roadhouse universe, perhaps Bradley Cooper’s Jackson Maine is a Dalton cousin? Plus Elliott constantly refers to Swayze as “Mijo,” slang for “my son,” further strengthening the Dalton bond.
Road House 1989 also has Jeff Healey fronting the house band, and he’s a compelling supporting character here as is love interest Kelly Lynch. Lynch’s character Elizabeth Clay earns bonus points first for being from Minnesota, and second for taking you straight back to every hair metal music video you ever watched when she shows up in glasses as the sexy doctor stitching up Dalton.
Road House 2024 has a cameo of its own. Wait for it. . .Post Malone. In most circumstances a Posty sighting is an automatic win, like shooting the moon—Posty is the Queen of spades. But in this situation, it’s three against one, and even though it’s Posty, he can’t defeat the likes of Elliott, Healey, and Lynch.
WINNER: ROADHOUSE 1989.
Round 4—Villain.
In Roadhouse 1989, a small Kansas City city is terrorized by Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara) who inflicts a town tax on all businesses, effectively draining them of their hard earned dollars like the Missouri mobster he is. The villain in Roadhouse 2024 is Ben Brandt (Billy Magnussen), the prick son of a mysterious dad who is in prison.
The decision here can be boiled down to a text message I received when one of my buddies watched the Roadhouse remake, commenting on an all-time classic scene with Ben Brandt, “YOU HAD ME AT STRAIGHT RAZOR SHAVE ON A CATAMARAN.” Game, set, match.
WINNER: ROAD HOUSE 2024.
Round 5—Soundtrack.
The original Roadhouse has Jeff Healy and his band doing the heavy lifting behind the chain link, and an epic Otis Redding ballad “These Arms of Mine” scoring an equally epic love scene.
But where the original Roadhouse is a tad one note with its playlist, the 2024 remake is an eclectic mix of great new sounds with a touch of gospel religion. We even get a Post Malone track to warm up the end credits.
Bands like Natalie Bergman and Friends, Rockin' Dopsie Jr and The Zydeco Twisters, Jelly Joseph, and CC Adcock and The Lafayette Marquis give Road House 2024 its own unique and ahead-of-its-time soundtrack. Clearly, they had an A&R expert on the set of the remake.
WINNER: ROAD HOUSE 2024.
Round 6—Henchman.
Both the original Roadhouse and the remake have a villain next to the villain, a hired henchman to do the dirty work and get after the Daltons. 1989 Roadhouse gives us Jimmy, a bolo tie, cross earring wearing martial artist that looks like he walked off the set of The Lost Boys.
But let’s be honest, Jimmy never had a chance against Connor McGregor’s absolute star turn as Knox, our butt naked, golf swinging, sandwich eating Irishman in the remake. McGregor is a silverback on the silver screen, from his entrance into the film midway through to his cat calling of Gyllenhaal the first time he meets him at the bar.
If you think there is any competition here, let us be the first to remind you that henchman Jimmy from the original can be seen wearing an arrowhead necklace. We’re never ones to victim shame here at Pulltab Sports, but when you wear an arrowhead necklace, you’re almost asking someone to tear your throat out, aren’t you?
WINNER: ROAD HOUSE 2024.
Round 7—Residence.
In the original Roadhouse, Swayze’s Dalton rents the top floor of an old barn across the river from Brad Wesley’s place. The Zillow description would boast an open-air window, and a sturdy wall for lovemaking. By contrast, Gyllenhaal is the latest victim to inhabit a boat that comes complete with a giant crocodile as a roommate.
While this was a close round with both residences landing some body blows, in the end Swayze’s loft wins by the narrowest of margins.
WINNER: ROADHOUSE 1989.
Round 8—Best Line.
Just when you thought the remake was running away with it, the original Roadhouse absolutely manhandles in the category of quotable lines. I guess this makes sense, as the 1980’s were the heyday of movie quotes from Caddyshack to Top Gun, “Hasta La Vista, Baby,” “I ain’t got time to bleed,” and more!
The original Roadhouse is a pez dispenser of graphic tee worthy movie quotes, take a sampling below:
“No one wins a fight.”—Dalton
While this line is technically in both movies, it was first uttered by Swayze’s Dalton in the original.
“I used to f*ck guys like you in prison.” —Jimmy
Perhaps the strangest opening line to a fistfight in the history of filmmaking.
“Pain don’t hurt.” —Dalton
“Take the biggest guy in the world, you smash his knee he’ll drop like a stone.” —Dalton
This round isn’t very close, perhaps the most quotable line from Road House 2024 is “I’m afraid of what happens when somebody pushes me too far” from Gyllenhaal. But in the end, Roadhouse 1989 roundhouse kicks the remake into oblivion.
WINNER: ROADHOUSE 1989.
Round 9—Backstory.
In the original, James Dalton’s character is a Mercedes driving, pleated pants wearing drifter who wants to be “nice” until he’s backed into a corner, in which case you should probably start wearing a neck guard.
In the remake, Gyllenhaal slides into the Florida Keys with just a suitcase, and a dark past where he killed someone in a UFC fight. It’s close, but we’re rolling with Dana White, the Notorious McGregor, and the UFC here.
WINNER: ROAD HOUSE 2024.
Round 10—Gratuitous Nudity.
The Road House remake is being lauded for giving us a movie “how movies used to be” with one glaring omission. Besides Connor McGregor’s bare ass, Road House 2024 is surprisingly void of gratuitous nudity. By comparison, the original Roadhouse is a cornucopia of butts and boobs, with a little something for everyone from Patrick’s peach emoji to Denise’s on-stage strip tease. There’s enough random nudity in the original Roadhouse, that we’re pretty sure even Jeff Healey saw a tittie.
WINNER: ROADHOUSE 1989.
Round 11—Hair.
In the original Roadhouse, Swayze’s Missouri Mullet is to be desired, probably leftovers from Youngblood. Swayze’s hair in Roadhouse is so good, it apparently inspired Ben Stiller’s character’s look in Dodgeball. . . Yes, this one round goes to the original as Gyllenhaal’s Dalton looks like he’s more of a Great Clips guy.
WINNER: ROADHOUSE 1989.
Round 12—Owners.
As for the owners themselves of the bars that need saving in both films, we have Frank Tilghman (Kevin Tighe), the greasy owner whose come into money and looking for a better life in the original Roadhouse. And we have Frankie (Jessica Williams), the niece of the former owner who wants to build her dream bar where you can get married, divorced, and drown your sorrows all in the same spot. Frankie wins this battle for being smart like a fox, playing Gyllenhaal’s Dalton (among others), and for being the idealistic entrepreneur with a dream.
WINNER: ROAD HOUSE 2024.
FINAL TALLY:
7 ROUNDS TO ROAD HOUSE 2024
5 ROUNDS TO ROADHOUSE 1989
WINNER ROAD HOUSE 2024!
There it is, end of story. When you do the full analysis, the Road House remake trumps the original. If you find yourself surrounded by friends thinking the original is better, maybe you should ask yourself if you need better friends.
As a consolation prize, the original Roadhouse does have a legendary Bill Murray story attached to it. Apparently, Murray and his crazy brothers would routinely stumble into the original Roadhouse playing on cable, and they would make a point to call the producer of the movie, Mitch Glazer, who is now married to Kelly Lynch. The Murray brothers would heckle him endlessly, hooting and hollering as Swayze worked her over on the reruns. So, there’s that!
