The Six Types of Hockey Parents - Which One Are You?
Watching your kids participate in sports should be an incredible experience where you get to witness your children growing and learning through the playing of fun games. Wait, is it that or a way to quench your bloodlust for competition since you’re well past your prime? It’s likely somewhere in the middle, so here at Pulltab Sports we’re going to split the difference boiling things down to the six types of hockey parents. Here we go:
The Partiers
Drinking at children’s sporting events may seem like an inappropriate place to engage in adult activities, but these booze hounds probably party before parent-teacher conferences. Tailgating happens at big-time sporting events, and what’s more big-time then a ten-year-old tilt between the Cottage Grove and Hastings B2 peewees?
The party parents have even invented a new activity called “the car bar,” not exactly the perfect message for raising responsible young adults. These parents can be easily spotted as they stumble in with five minutes left in the first period. They’re glossy-eyed, loud-mouthed, and ready to make mortal enemies with anyone who disagrees with their off-sides takes. If drinking impairs your judgement, just wait until you see what it does for hockey parents at an out-of-town tournament in northern Minnesota. Here’s a tip, stay out of every Hampton Inn hot tub that’s within five miles of a hockey rink.
Sign that you might be a Partier Hockey Parent:
You know the exact time alloted between periods to grab a drink in the parking lot or at the bar, and you start the timer on your phone the second the period buzzer sounds.
The Ex-All Stars
You can’t swing a broken hockey stick in a Minnesota arena without hitting a former player (even though you might want to). These jocks, whether high school wannabes or big-league beauties, roam the rinks ready to do everything in the power of their puffed-out chests to get their kid to follow in their own footsteps.
You’ll find the Ex-All Stars behind the scenes lobbying for shorter benches, stacked lines, and closed-door, double-secret training. That is, if they haven’t pulled their kid from the association to go play in some other elite league.
However, it is only fair to recognize that there’s another side of this type of sports parent—the humbled ex-athletes who have gone through the vicious gauntlet of youth sports and know the pitfalls. They’re on the other end of the spectrum, and so chill about the game that you wonder if they’ve been hit in the head too many times playing junior hockey.
Sign that you might be an Ex All Star Hockey Parent:
You still include your hockey number in most of your online passwords, and on the necklace chain you wear.
The Helicopters
In a sport like hockey, it’s all about the team. However, some parents can only see one player on the ice—their own. Like Maverick flipping his missel lock on Viper in the movie, Top Gun, these parents are zeroed in. Not even the mention of a car bar will interrupt their concentration.
The Helicopters can break down a game better than Tony Romo during a CBS football broadcast. The duration of their kid’s shifts, total shots taken, even the number of hours left before they snap a skate lace is logged into homemade analytics software. If they would only watch the rest of the team and be slightly more objective, they wouldn’t have made enemies with everyone from coaches to tryout judges, and even their own kid.
Can you imagine the car ride home after a game with a Helicopter? It’s probably like an FBI interrogation where the suspect is handed a file with incriminating photographic evidence and asked hard-hitting questions like, “why were you in front of the net without your stick on the ice?”
Sign you might be a Helicopter Hockey Parent:
Every time your kid does something good (or bad) on the ice, their first instinct is to look for you in the crowd. Generally, if your kid looks at you at all while on the ice, you’re probably a Helicopter.
The Screamers
These super fans are the ultra-elite, special ops of parent fans. Like a sniper they strike at just the right moment, yelling direct shots with pinpoint accuracy. A kid inadvertently trips a player: Ch-chuck—boom. The score keeper forgets to start the clock: Ch-chuck—boom. A mom from the other team cheers too hard: Ch-chuck—boom. If this happens when you’re at the rink, cover your opposing association logo and duck for cover under the bleachers. However, those with the biggest targets on their backs for the Screamers are the referees. They’ll get attacked for anything and everything. Often times they’ll get hit with a Sam Kinison-style tongue lashing for calling a penalty on somebody’s Ogelthorpe-ish kid, whose cheap shots are almost as big as their parent’s filthy yapper.
Sign that you might be a Screamer Hockey Parent:
If you’ve ever lost your voice after a hockey game or tournament. Or if you carry lozenges of any type in your pocket.
The Coaches
Possibly the largest segment within hockey parents are the wannabe coaches. More than likely many were coaches at a certain point, and now they just can’t help themselves.
While they think they have all the answers, these hockey parent coaches don’t have the dedication to go to 75 practices a year. Probably because that would mean not drinking at a bar during that practice hour – or as some parents call it, “a safety meeting.” Wannabe coaches can be divided into two camps. The smart ones who kiss the coach’s ass, buying them beer and sneaking in some suggestions. And the other less effective group—the ones who stand on the glass hollering instructions to all the kids and then later ripping on the coach’s power play system only to forget that he’s in on the group text.
Sign that you might be a Coach Hockey Parent:
If you’ve ever reconfigured lines and typed them into your Notes app or if you’ve even sent a group text explaining what the power play unit should be, then you’re a Coach.
The Casual Observers
There are some parents who just seem happy to be there. It’s not to say they don’t love watching their kid play, but maybe they’re just not that into sports. One might think it would be a good idea to sit next to these calm and balanced parents at a game. But don’t fall into that trap. All game long you’ll be explaining rules like offsides, and there’s not a flask of Fireball big enough to keep your patience in check. Plus, can you really trust someone who doesn’t like competitive sports? Show me someone who doesn’t have a competitive bone in their body, and I’ll show you someone at a four way stop who doesn’t go when it’s their turn.
The good news about the Casual Observer hockey parents is that they’re probably the artsy type that you can usually sucker into making door hangers for out-of-town tournaments. That is, until they decide to skip the tournament because they’ve made their kid go to Spanish Immersion camp instead.
Sign that you might be a Casual Observer Hockey Parent:
If you don’t have a general idea of your kids stats on the season, or in the current game you’re watching—you’re 100% a Casual Observer.
With any luck, you see yourself in one of these 6 key hockey parent archetypes. If you don’t, well, there just might be a part 2 coming down the road.
Until then, if you’re trying to be a better hockey parent, the two products below can offer some much needed assistance. Happy Holidays!
