SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 1: A Griddy Win. Vikings 23 Packers 7
Sköliosis is back to remind you that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health. It can make you shrink. It can make you drink. As one fan once best described it, “the only way to watch the Vikings is through your neighbor’s window.”
Well, how in the hell are we supposed to proceed with caution, when Week 1 felt so good and so different? There was the buildup, having really seen nothing in preseason. Week 1 was akin to Christmas morning. Before the garbage bags were filled with wrapping paper, here are a few things we found under the tree Week 1:
JJ2K is Special
Welcome to a world where people routinely talk about Kirk Cousins, yes that Kirk Cousins, winning MVP. In this world, Justin Jefferson also becomes the first wide receiver ever to go over 2,000 yards receiving in a season. Well, JJ2K looked like he was up to the task yesterday. It helped that the Packers decided not to cover him. You could actually hear Jefferson yelling, “can of corn” like an outfielder while making some of his uncontested grabs. If you look closely Jefferson was wearing flip up sunglasses and eating sunflower seeds too.
JJ2K is special, and we should enjoy him. You’ve heard of a gritty win, well yesterday was a griddy win as Jefferson carried the Vikings to victory with 9 receptions for 184 yards and two touchdowns. We’re told that after the game Jefferson also defeated Carlos Alcaraz in ping pong, before flying to London where he’s been penciled in to succeed newly crowned Prince Charles right after Prince William’s kids. Suck it, Harry! It's JJ2K’s world, we’re just living in it.
Having a Young Coach is Way Better
We went from a 66-year-old Coach Zimmer to 37-year-old Kevin O’Connell. For god’s sake, even Kevin from “Home Alone” is 42 years old.
O’Connell is so young his wife probably puts her cell phone in her back pocket. He’s so young you can take half Zimmer’s age plus seven, and O’Connell is right in the wheelhouse. O’Connell is so young he probably knows who the host of Saturday Night Live and the musical guest are each week, without Googling them. O’Connell is so young he could be the mayor of Youngstown, Ohio. O’Connell’s favorite food: egg foo young. We can keep doing this . . . O’Connell is so young he always puts Crosby Stills Nash and Young on every playlist. O’Connell is so young he probably still reads YA novels before bed under the covers with a flashlight. O’Connell is so young he’s probably says things like, “I was today days old when I won my first NFL game” and other annoying TikTok trends.
After one week, we already know having a young head coach is awesome. Admit it, you were wondering what O’Connell was going to wear on the sidelines. Would he be a flat brim guy, or curve? We traded a curmudgeon coach for bottled promise. I actually looked at a photo of O’Connell today and thought he looked like he could be a Dutton cousin on “Yellowstone.”
Sure, it’s just one game, and O’Connell had the benefit of half the Vikings team and staff arriving with old Packers playbooks, so we’ll have to see how Kevin does this week. Can he finally help Kirk get over .500, and do it in a primetime matchup next Monday? Now that would be impressive.
Pontoon Proof
A few seasons ago, a buddy and I decided if we couldn’t watch the Vikings game through our neighbor’s window—the next safest place was to listen to the first few weeks of the Vikings season on the lake cruising around in a pontoon. Only Vikings fans can understand this thinking. How many beautiful fall days have you spent sitting in a dark basement watching the Vikings for hours, only to have them pull defeat from the jaws of victory in the last couple minutes? You walk up the stairs like a 20-something leaving a strip club not realizing the sun has come up as your wife says, “Why do you even watch? You know what’s going to happen.” We’ve all been there.
Week 1 on the pontoon was excellent. It was a safe environment. Things seemed to go well for the purple. I was able to debut my Vikings swimsuit, we had peanuts that my buddy kept fresh in the fridge (pro move), I jumped in the water, and we even cooked up some General Tso’s chicken wings on his grill. Delicious.
I’m not sure we can call these special warm fall days in September and October “Indian Summer” anymore, so I’ll follow Cleveland’s lead in the MLB and refer to them “Guardian Summer” days. Regardless of the label, listening to Paul Allen yap about our “Plus size punter” on the radio, in 80-degree weather in September with refrigerator chilled peanuts in the shell is a great way to start football season.
Reasons For Concern
It’s true, the Vikings seemed to avoid all the usual traps Week 1. Just a year ago the Purple were torturing us all while losing 27-24 in OT to the Bengals. In terms of emotional harm, the 2021 Vikings season was unprecedented. Vikings fans were like POWs each week as metal music blared and battery clamps were connected to our nipples.
So, naturally it’s okay to be a bit hesitant this year and not want to react to just one win. Because all you have to do is ask any Packer fan and they’ll tell you 1) the rookie dropped that wide open pass 2) if that 4th and goal goes the other way . . . 3) our best two offensive linemen were out with injuries and 4) Lazard didn’t play, so Rogers had no receivers 5) we’ll beat you in Lambeau.
A-A-Ron
Speaking of A-A-Ron Rodgers and his new Peaky Blinder’s fashion, there was a lot of preseason hype about his new crop of young receivers, Romeo Doubs and Christian Watson, going into game 1. The premature hype, which in the shadow of Davante Adam's defection to play with his former college BFF Derek Carr in Vegas, played a lot like a jilted ex-boyfriend posting lots of Instagram photos of himself with his new younger girlfriend in a bikini in hopes of making Davante jealous. Only to finally bring her as his official wedding date in game 1 and have her get too drunk and accidentally knock over the wedding cake and throw up on the dance floor as they made their debut as a couple. Sure, Watson looked wicked fast as he blew by Patrick Peterson. But Viking fans understand speed doesn’t kill if you can’t catch the ball—see Qadry “The Missile” Ismail and Troy Williamson. On the bright side for the Packers, Doubs and Watson will probably stay off the Covid list all year because they won’t be able to can’t catch that either.
If there was one play that epitomized the difference in these new Vikings versus our old Vikings, it was in the 4th quarter. A point in the game where conditioned Vikings fans know to keep our guard up. Up 20-7 we were fully expecting a late rally by Rodgers. Rodgers escaped the pass rush and ran out of the pocket. It was a play we’ve seen a million times. Usually, this play would end with Rodgers either scrambling for a 30-yard first down, or more likely lobbing a bomb for another quick TD making it 20-14 and officially causing us to start sweating. But then something different happened. Rodgers escaped only to have a second wave of our defenders collapse on him. Was it because he hesitated not trusting his rookie WR’s to throw up a 50/50 ball? Or was our defense just more ready for it this time? Maybe, a little of both.
Last year you always felt like the Vikings defense was eventually going to collapse, and week 1 one never had that feeling. Maybe it was O’Connell bringing some sharp athleisure fashion to the sideline. Or maybe the Vikings overall just have a more positive and looser vibe. The Vikings seemed to be missing the ominous dark cloud of toxicity hanging over them. It was all new car smells and freshly served goodness from the first snap with Cook and Mattison wearing new minted single digit jersey numbers 4 and 2. It was emblematic of the Vikings shedding extra weight as O’Connell’s Vikings at minimum appear to have rearranged the furniture and slapped on a fresh coat of paint. O’Connell even smiled once. It was on camera, it happened we saw it!
We expected O’Connell to improve the offense, but even our defense looked revitalized as they brought enough violence to Aaron Rodgers to knock his new Tommy Shelby haircut right off his head.
Unrelated, did anyone notice that commentator Greg Olsen keeps a younger more primal doppelgänger in the booth next to him at all times? Does Greg just keep this mini-me around to remind people he used to be cool before going all business casual on us? I know you can get shots for low-T, but sharing the booth with a younger, alpha version of yourself has to work even better. It’s like Olsen’s cooler self is just following him around trying to convince him to keep playing.
But these are the Vikings, and this is Sköliosis. We need to tread lightly even after a win like we had Week 1. We need to remember that as Viking fans we are all just naïve young kids, and the Vikings are our estranged dead beat dad. Every once in a while, he calls us. Maybe he’s been drinking, but he sounds happy. He tells us he’s going to take us go-carting or out to a nice dinner. And there we go again sitting on the curb in the cold waiting for him to pick us up. We sit on that curb until nightfall and another no show, before walking in the front door as our mom rubs our head, “Sorry, buddy.” So, yes, let’s keep our distance.
Cause for Concern?
Despite the impressive Vikings victory, there were some real warning signs week 1:
The Pregame Preach is apparently over. WTF. How did this happen? While Greg Coleman screaming bible verses and nonsense the final minute before kickoff was super weird and seemed like it shouldn’t ever have happened in the first place—it was also totally original and a great Viking tradition. We are yet to know the impact of the Pregame Preach being over. I’d keep Coleman on speed dial if I were the Wilfs.
2. Adrian Peterson was knocked out in a boxing match against Le’veon Bell. Watch the clip, it was “Goodnight Moon” for All Day AP. Will this effect the Vikings spirit animal in some way? Only time will tell.
3. We’re prone to getting over excited. Even the designated driver signs on the highway were shouting SKOL at me Monday morning.
Let’s be okay with this victory. We can feel good, but let’s be a little careful. It’s okay to wonder if the General Tso’s chicken we grilled on the pontoon somehow qualified as sacrificing a live chicken. Maybe this was the magic we needed?
Kwesimodo
And it’s okay to start trying to come up with cool nicknames for Kwesi-Adofo Mensah. The leader in the clubhouse is “Kwesimodo.” At first, I wasn’t sure what being a hunchback of Notre Dame added to a professional football team in Minnesota. But then I remembered this is Sköliosis. Maybe Kwesi is the guy to finally straighten us out with a Super Bowl. Also, Kwesi sort of looks like Omar from “The Wire.” Now that I’ve said it, you won’t be able to unsee it. Which is a good thing, it makes the Vikings more badass. To quote Omar, “You come at the King, you best not miss.”
And apparently, it’s okay to smile. Heck, even our kicker quietly nailed a 56-yarder. Must have been nice to not have Zimmer giving him the “I’m watching you” stink eye.
In summary, so far, so good. The Vikings are 1-0. And nothing bad has happened, yet. We’ll see you on the curb next week. Maybe dad will pick us up this time!
