Ah yes, this was exactly what we Viking fans needed after the “Incident.” Four days after getting over-served 40 heaping doses of Cowboy Caviar with Ezekiel Elliott’s nose ring at the bottom of the bowl, we had another game. A prime time Thanksgiving game scheduled right after most of us stuffed our faces with another 7,347 carbohydrates surrounded by friends and family that would likely judge us for our disgusting binge eating later.

All of this added up to a much maligned Vikings fan base in serious need of a post meal digestive. A purple palate cleanser to help us work through the emotional baggage and scars from last Sunday that many of us were still shame eating away earlier on Thanksgiving day. The Dallas loss so bad that it left many of us sleeping on the bathroom floor all week with cold washcloths on our foreheads hoping to “purge” that sickly feeling in our bellies as soon as possible.

Lucky for us, it was a short week. We didn’t have to wait too long, and according to iWord “Purple Tea” is one of the best teas to aid in digestion, reduce bloating, inflammation and promoting good gut bacteria!! We took this as a promising sign that this hair of the dog remedy was in our team colors. Some of us even found a great little watering hole in Starbuck, Minnesota known as The Tavern, an establishment also well versed in the healing properties of a magic purple elixir. The Tavern calls their homemade vodka-based concoction, “Purple Rain,” proudly serving it after every Viking score to, of course, promote good Viking fan gut health.* Thank you for your service, Tavern staff!

And who better to invite us all over for a healing purple tea party to ease our delicate constitutions? Well, the New England Patriots, of course! That’s correct, our opponents were the inventors of both tea parties and Thanksgiving itself. Legend has it a young Robert Kraft, fresh off a Pilgrim boat in Plymouth in 1621, hosted the first Thanksgiving harvest feast for the Wampanoag people. Locals described the turkey as a bit dry and deflated, but the event resulted in a happy ending for Robert and has since become a National tradition.

Speaking of Robert Kraft, does he have a special box suite throne he sits in? Or is he using one of those plastic McDonalds booster seats? Or maybe Kraft is like a giant redwood tree that grows larger every year, and since he is 200+ years old he’s finally just bigger than everyone else.

On the flipside, perhaps hosting the Patriots wasn’t such a good idea. Hosting a team the Vikings hadn’t beaten since 2000 (which was 22 YEARS AGO btw!!!), on a holiday where we are supposed to focus on gratitude, didn’t seem like a recipe for success. It seemed more like a certain vegan lentil loaf recipe** that had recently ruined some of our Thanksgivings. Wait, was that out loud? Totally kidding, honey. I don’t blame the lentil loaf for my 4 late-night bathroom trips. Not one single bit. I’m sure it was still the after effects of the Cowboy Caviar.

Still, after last week’s Cowboys beatdown, a loss so bad that loud noises had some of us taking cover under dining room tables in the fetal position, could we risk another bad loss, on a family holiday? Fearing the worst, but hoping for the best, many of us dug out the ponchos we wore at the last Gallagher show and pulled up a seat in the front row of our living rooms clutching our purple rosaries and prepared for another full bellied roller coaster ride. This game had all the makings of getting really messy quick.

Lucky for us, master chef Kevin O’Connell and his purple kitchen crew of cooks put together a perfect menu to finish our Thanksgiving evening.

Main Course: 10 Servings of Justin Jefferson.

On a history making night, JJ2K set the record for most receiving yards in the first three seasons of a career surpassing former Minnesota Viking/New England Patriot (wouldn’t you know it) legend Randy Moss. JJ finished the night with 9 catches for 139 yards, a TD catch, plus his second pass completion of the year to Adam Theilen. It was another epic performance soliciting comments from Tony Dungy and Jason Garrett such as “This dude is unreal” and “this guy is ridiculous” as Jefferson bought down one amazing catch after another. JJ2K is on pace for 1,900+ yards and the the 2,000 yard season he predicted remains within reach. More importantly, he has kept himself in contention to be the first wide receiver MVP in NFL history.

Unfortunately, the city of Boston has proven that reheated Minnesota leftovers can sometimes taste better than the fresh dish (e.g. see Kevin Garnett, Randy Moss, Big Papi). Let’s hope this game wasn’t Justin’s audition for an eventual Boston migration. We can’t handle another one of those.

Also, was it the 4th glass of red wine kicking in, or was this Justin Jefferson walking onto the field to “Funkytown” moment in the telecast really cool? Maybe I just have a sweet spot for “Funkytown,” an under-rated Twin Cities anthem.

Side Dish: Juicy Plump Punters with a sprinkle of Nwangwu.

Interestingly enough, part of the reason for some confidence going into Thurday’s game was being on the other side of a trap game. It’s always better to be a team coming off a tough loss squaring off against a team coming off an emotional win. Lucky us, the paint had just dried on the Vikings soul crushing defeat to the Cowboys, while the Patriots had enjoyed an epic walk-off punt return victory against their division rival New York Jets. Imitation is the best form of flattery as Coach O’Connell, who was drafted by Bill Belichick, clearly stole some of Bill’s recipes and used them against him. As a huge key to the Vikings surviving the Patriots would be a couple key special teams plays. One where our underrated “family sized” kicker took a roughing the kicker penalty that helped keep a drive alive. This kid is the Wright kind of wrong, even though we’d like to see less of him, as in less punting and more offense. No body shaming here, as we’re very much in favor of dad-bods here at Pulltab Sports.

The second key special teams play happened early in the third quarter after the Patriots opened the second half with tie-breaking TD when returner extraordinaire Kene Nwangwu responded with a 97 yard kick return to tie the game and steal back momentum. Nwangwu now has 3 TD returns in his two year career and seems to have set his sights on chasing former Viking Cordarelle Patterson’s record. A record he just set last week with his 9th TD return against the Falcons. Keep it up Nwangwu!!!

It should be noted that while not a Viking, another special teamer—Lions kicker Michael Badgley was also a Thanksgiving standout. #17 in your programs, and #1 in your wife’s heart—there was an audible gasp in the bar when Badgley turned up on screen taking his helmet off like a motorcycle rider in a Pert Plus commercial. One patron could be heard lamenting to herself, “look at that jaw line.”

Dessert: PrimeTime Kirk Cousins?!

A great chef can surprise you. Often they’ll throw in an unexpected dish. Like, say, breakfast for dinner? That’s what seeing Kirk Cousins on the menu in primetime felt like for most of us. Our radar went up. Uh-oh, this doesn’t sound good. I don’t eat pancakes for dinner. We only like Kirk for breakfast or brunch, right? Especially not on a key Thanksgiving primetime game where we desperately need a rebound win.

When it was all said and done, sure Kirk had one ugly interception overthrow of KJ Osborn, whom Cousins seems to think is a foot taller than he is. But Kirk was also a dollar shy of 300 yards as he tossed 3 more TDs. Last week the Cowboys halted Kirk’s 39 game streak of games with a TD pass, which was good for the 6th longest streak of all time behind legends Drew Brees, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Johnny Unitas. Thursday night Kirk started a new streak. Let’s hope he rides this one into the first Viking Super Bowl victory in team history. We also learned Kirk is now the 3rd winningest QB in Vikings history behind Fran Tarkenton and Tommy Kramer. What? When did this happen?

Point being, maybe it’s time we all get behind Kirk. I mean he’s playing well enough to spawn mini-Kirks. That has to be worth something!

While they hate to admit it, deep down every Viking fan knows as Kirk goes we go. So, it’s probably time for some unconditional love for Kirk. Purple nation is behind you Kirk!!! At least until you F things up in another must win game anyway.

In the meantime, though, Kirk’s Thanksgiving performance was so sweet that even he apparently needed to immediately book an appointment with his dentist.

GOAT Free Ingredients.

Of course, it helps that this game featured only Tom Brady-free ingredients. Clearly the Vikings of the last 20 years have been GOAT milk intolerant, so it was a brilliant chess move by Coach O’Connell, who backed up Brady early in his career, to schedule a game with a Brady-less Patriot squad on Thanksgiving. Kudos, Coach. We are all digesting much better today as a result. On a side note, did anyone else notice a lot of erectile dysfunction ads during the game? We know being a Vikings fan is bad for your health, but does being a Vikings fan cause ED? This would make total sense. Clearly they weren’t targeting Robert Kraft’s team, as he’s 200 years old and doesn’t seem to have any issues with ED.

Mix-in Some Gratitude.

In the end though, Thanksgiving isn’t about the food. It’s not about the feast and the stupid pilgrim hats, and it’s certainly not about celebrating dead Turkeys. It’s about giving thanks. It’s about Gratitude with a capital G. So on this Thanksgiving, let’s be thankful for our 9-2 Vikings. This year they have won way more than they have lost. They have been fun to watch. They bring us together, even when they tear us apart. They give us a reason to call our dads on Sundays and to text our buddies endless jokes when they disappoint us. They are our family. The good with the bad. And, when we put some faith in them, even despite a recent soul crushing loss, sometimes they even reward us with epic gambling parlay victories.

Take that Erectile Dysfunction!!! Happy Thanksgiving all and SKOL!!!

*Please note, the FDA has not approved the Tavern’s Purple Rain elixir health benefit claims. Purple elixir side effects may include, dancing, hogging the TouchTunes juke box by paying for the fast pass line skip feature, accidentally putting $20 dollars in the dart machine and purchasing 300 game credits, eating pickled eggs or turkey gizzards from the jars behind the bar, and when combined with an explosive Vikings offensive output can result in frequent gas station stops the next morning for young men under 23.

** In all honestly, the vegan lentil loaf was actually quite good!! If anyone wants the recipe, let us know. Plus, it saves a turkey!!! It’s all about karma.