SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 13: The Purple Lotus—Vikings 27 Jets 22.
Last weekend our Vikings, do we feel safe enough to start calling them “our” Vikings? Maybe. Well, our Vikings defeated the New York Jets to go to 10-2 on the season. As Clark Griswold might say, “This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy.”
As Vikings fans contemplated the fact or fiction of this storybook season, we here at SKÖLIOSIS chose to focus on the facts:
Fact #1: This past weekend, Mike White played quarterback for the New York Jets.
Fact #2: Mike White also happens to be the name of the creator of “The White Lotus” TV series on HBO.
This convenient coincidence led the brilliant minds at Pulltab Sports to decide it would be prudent to take the already niche audience for SKÖLIOSIS, our semi regular column offering empirical evidence that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health, and make it a niche within a niche by delivering you this brilliant Mike White mashup.
So, if you find yourself tailgating inside the overlapping concentric circles of A) being a Vikings fan that is B) currently watching Season 2 of “The White Lotus” on HBO—Good news, you’re going to love this article! If not, well, we hope we see you next week!
The next logical step after deciding to greatly reduce your audience by connecting two mostly unrelated things with one common name, is to determine what exactly “The Purple Lotus” wants to be. We’ve decided to take our cues from the double Mike Whites, by using our column this week to show you the roles various Minnesota Vikings would play if they were starring on Season 2 of HBO’s “The White Lotus.”
Also, if you aren’t watching “The White Lotus” on HBO, what’s wrong with you? You need to get on that. It’s like the boardgame Clue, if it was as smart as “The New Yorker.” A true whodunit, so well-written that six episodes into a seven-episode season, you’ll still have no idea who the culprit is, or are. Heck, you won’t even know what the crime is.
Without further ado, here is the latest SKÖLIOTUS . . .err SKÖLIOSIS. Welcome to The Purple Lotus.
The Purple’s Kirk Cousins is Ethan on “The White Lotus.”
Why? By all accounts, Kirk is a nice guy. So is Ethan. They’ve also both recently come into big money, which is majorly changing how people look at them. Like Kirk, we believe Ethan is a good guy down deep inside, but wonder if in those prime time moments he comes through for us, or just ends up drunk on the couch with escorts and molly.
The Purple’s Long Suffering Fan Base is Harper on “The White Lotus.”
Why? Despite the Vikings 10-2 record, most Vikings fans remain a powder keg of emotions . . .just like Harper. And like Harper, the issue that’s eating us up inside is trying to figure out if Ethan (Kirk Cousins) is truly good or bad. Vikings fans want to know if they’re safe to love Kirk Cousins, just like Harper is investigating her own husband, Ethan. Because let’s face it, true happiness for Vikings fans is married to Kirk Cousins, for better or worse . . .’til death do us part?
The Purple’s Justin Jefferson is Cam on “The White Lotus.”
Why? If anyone could steal your girlfriend or your wife, it’s Justin “JJ2K” Jefferson. Jefferson completes the love triangle between Ethan (Kirk Cousins) and Harper (Vikings fans). As much as Vikings fans (Harper) are worried and wondering if they’re still attracted to Kirk (Ethan), we know Jefferson (Cam) is unapologetically dangerous. Just like Cam, every weekend J.J. gets down with his bad self. And while this tantalizing talent has been on display for some time, it’s still hard for Vikings fans (Harper) to stomach. Like Cam, Vikings fans know Jefferson is going to take care of himself each weekend and be the life of the purple party. But just like Parker, we know it’s a meaningless fling unless Kirk (Ethan) provides the true love we seek.
The Purple’s Kevin O’Connell is Mia on “The White Lotus.”
Why? Like Mia, Coach O’Connell is filled with naïve optimism. He’s chasing his dreams, and Vikings fans are chasing those dreams with him. And just like Mia at the hotel bar, O’Connell took the job from the previous piano player (Zimmer), who despite his best efforts, just couldn’t get it up.
The Purple’s Patrick Peterson is Grandpa Bert Di Grasso on “The White Lotus.”
Why? Like Grandpa Bert, Patrick Peterson appears to be approaching this season with the Vikings as a true adventure, and a trip to find meaning. Like Grandpa Bert, Peterson has been the wise elder all season offering wisdom and advice and knowing the importance of coming through in big moments. Like Grandpa Bert, Peterson is there to point out the things we might otherwise miss.
The Purple’s Wilf Family are Tanya on “The White Lotus.”
If the Vikings fan base is tentative and keeping its guard up, imagine being their owners! Just like Tanya always observing and wondering about everything and everything on “The White Lotus,” the Wilfs have to protect themselves and their money.
The Purple’s Kwezi Adofo-Mensa is Portia on “The White Lotus.”
Related, Tanya’s (The Wilfs) assistant Portia is of course Kwezi Adofo-Mensa. Only time will tell if the pupil is smarter than the professor, as Kwezi does everything in his power to turn the Vikings into a Super Bowl champion, protecting Tanya’s (The Wilfs) fortune in the process.
The NFC East is the Palermo Mafia on “The White Lotus.”
While we don’t yet know the culprit or the crime on Season 2 of “The White Lotus,” we certainly know who is up to no good—The Palermo mafia. Just like the NFC East’s Cowboys and Eagles have wreaked havoc on the Vikings this season—the Palermo Mafia of drug dealers, and opera lovers are trying to get into Tanya’s purse on “The White Lotus.” Trouble is brewing for certain with this crowd. By this point we’ve seen enough in the series and the season to know that if things are going to end poorly for the Purple, the NFC East (Palmermo Mafia) will most likely be involved.
As we head toward the end of the season for both the Purple and “The White Lotus,” two similar but different questions hang in the balance. On “The White Lotus” we’re going to finally find out whodunit, and what “it” actually was. We can only hope the Purple’s finish to this season will be equally satisfying, but it won’t be a whodoneit, instead it will be a didwedoit? The same, but different.
Until then, we’ll let you know when it’s safe to uncross your fingers and open your eyes.
