SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 4: God Save the Vi-Kings—Vikings 28 Saints 25.
For the first time in, oh, 90 years—the British National Anthem changed its lyrics from “God Save the Queen” to “God Save the King.” Good timing, as it took a double-doink in the land of double decker busses to save our Vi-Kings Week 4.
Like most Vikings fans, I watched the game Sunday morning from a tricked-out garage with an epoxy floor, while drinking a Bloody Mary. Afterall, a “double-doink” sounds like a perfectly good excuse for missing church.
It’s never going to be easy.
Of course, Greg Joseph missed the extra point. Of course, the Saints laced a 60 yarder to tie it. Of course, the Saints winning field goal had to hit not one post, but two—before mercifully letting us off the hook. This is the Vikings, after all. And while we may not be able to have nice things, but we do get Sköliosis — your semi-regular reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health:
Just Say Double-Doink. Say it.
Just like how “tryptophan” trends every Thanksgiving Day, Lutz’s unorthodox field goal attempt was a gift to Vikings fans not just because it didn’t go in, but because every Minnesotan was then able to say “double-doink.” It was like a prize in the Cracker Jack box. Paul Allen said double-doink. The people watching the game said double doink. You talked to your kids about the double-doink. You mentioned the double-doink in passing with co-workers and neighbors the next day. You talked to your parents and your spouse about the double-doink. Double doink. Double doink. Double doink. Now didn’t that feel good?
It’s Prime O’Clock Somewhere
The London game is a bit confusing when it comes to being a prime-time game. On one hand, people were dressing up in their purple gear and attending watch parties all over the state, on the other hand it was 8:30 in the morning here. Perhaps there is lesson to be learned with regards to Kirk Cousins and his difficulties in prime-time games. Do the Vikings need to start sending that message to Cousins, simply reminding him in any possible prime time situation that it’s NOT prime time somewhere else? Do they go so far as to reset clocks all over the facility and pretend it’s just a normal day time game? Because last we checked Cousins has managed back-to-back two-minute drill victories starting with last week’s TD pass to KJ Osborne and this week’s bomb to Justin Jefferson to get us into field goal position. Yeah, we’re going to go ahead and take that Apple watch from you Kirk, it’ll be right here—you can have it back at the end of the season. If they were smart, the Vikings practice facility would have less clocks than a Vegas casino.
Top of the Morning!
Did it seem like the Saints were pandering to the UK fan base? Consider the facts: they started Andy Dalton, Prince Harry’s doppelgänger, at QB.
Injured Jameis “Winston” Churchill was holding court on the sidelines while Taysom “Benny” Hill was penciled in as emergency quarterback.
The entire cast of “Ted Lasso” was in the crowd, and all wearing Bears gear?
Presumably cheering against their division rival Vikings, and especially against Harrison Smith, because we know Jason Sudiekis isn’t a fan of those pesky Harry S’s. Not to mention our hockey team is the (Olivia) Wild. Yep, Ted Lasso for sure hates Minnesota.
With the tea and crumpets stacked against us, it would have been easy for the Vikings to just lay down. But instead, we had some Tea-D of our own with Alexander Mattison’s well played celebration.
You knew things were turning when this Vikings fan popped on screen during a commercial to settle everyone down. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to your Vikings fan spirit animal. I’m not sure what pub he’s bouncing outside of, but he’s for sure not watching the game if he’s that Zen.
The trend our way continued when Yungblood was introduced as the halftime performer—clearly a shout out to us Minnesota fans via the Patrick Swayze and Rob Lowe classic of the same name filmed in Minnesota.
Plus, these two guys were on our side.
So, we had that going for us.
And, let’s be honest, morning football is different. The entire Twin Cities was a sea of clown cars filled with people in Vikings gear smelling like mimosas heading home after a rare brunch date with the Purple. The early start messed with body clocks, especially if you were on the left coast and had to wake up at 6:30 PST to watch the game. It was Bloody Marys meets “The Breakfast Club”—John Bender like Beckham as the announcers talked about players having full recline beds on the airplane and coach Kevin making sure everyone was in them. One has to wonder if Kirk Cousins had plans to read a big boy book before bed, but checked down into something much shorter. Perhaps “Good Night Moon?” It’s hard to picture what the Vikings sleeper plane is like, but we can’t help but picture the orphanage bunk room from “Annie.”
Za’darius Smith even took matters into his own hands sleeping on the field. Yes, big Z was getting his Z’s in London. Although he for sure seems like the kid that stay up all night at a sleepover.
She’s Got Zimmy Issues
Is it just us, or do all Vikings feel like we’re rescue dogs this season and our former owner (Coach Zimmer) did some horrible things to us? When my daughter was young, we made the ill-advised decision to surprise her with a clown at her birthday. We also decided the best way for our tiny daughter to discover the clown was to have her go to the front door of our house and see the clown standing there waiting to come in. Surprise! Needless to say, she spent the rest of her birthday crying in her bedroom and for years afterwards would spontaneously bark out “No Clowns. No Clowns.” whenever she felt threatened.
Wow, thanks for letting us get that off our chest. But, related . . .sort of, is how every Viking fan seems haunted by Zimmer. We can’t escape him. We want to like the new boy genius Kevin O’Connell, but I’m sure you heard this wherever you watched the game on Sunday:
. . .a 3-yard check-down pass to Thielen when we need 5-yards. Zimmer could have done that!
. . .we got rid of Zimmer, why do we keep doing the same thing!
. . .our defense is afraid to blitz, Zimmer is probably sitting somewhere just laughing!
Yeah, it’s safe to say our former owner, Coach Zimmer, gave us Vikings fans a few kicks in the ribs and in most cases still occupies a decent amount of real estate between the ears. This is probably something we just need to work out on our own. It’s not O’Connell or even Ed Donatell’s fault. So, expect to hear people begging Donatell for blitzes, and to get out of the dreaded base package. And expect to keep hearing snarky remarks about the offensive wunderkind O’Connell and why he doesn’t use Justin Jefferson more like Cooper Kupp. It’s not our fault, she’s got Zimmy issues.
On the bright side we’re 3-1.
p.s. Double doink!
