SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 6: Vikings Fan Spectrum—Vikings 24 Dolphins 16.
The Vikings are 5-1. Which is weird, for all of us. It’s even weirder when you have a column called SKÖLIOSIS because you fundamentally believe being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Yep, super weird. Because, arguably, being a Vikings fan has been GOOD for your health this year. Besides the Philadelphia debacle, we get to take a big purple multivitamin every Sunday, win, rinse and repeat. Sure, we miss the occasional extra point just to give you all of those patented Vikings feels, but if Rascal Flatts is blessing the broken road that led them straight to you . . .through the first 6 weeks of the season there’s really only been one Jalen Hurts sized speed bump for Vikings fans.
But here’s the deal: they’re still the Vikings. And this is SKÖLIOSIS, so we can’t just assume everything is going to end happily ever after. Which is why, the bye week seemed like the perfect time for us all to see where we fall on the Minnesota Viking Fan Spectrum. Because we’re all on the spectrum, we just made it easy for you to find out where.
All you need to do is pick one of the 4 scenarios below that best describes how you’re currently feeling after the Vikings unexpected 5-1 start. Be honest, and you can only pick one.
“WE’RE THE WORST 5-1 TEAM IN FOOTBALL.”
MOST NEGATIVE (Minus 2.5 Points)
If you’re rolling around openly saying the Vikings are “the worst 5 and 1 team in football”—you’ve got some baggage. Over the years, the purple have left you on some curbs when they promised to pick you up. There might even be some weird whip marks on your back like Logan Roy in “Succession.” Sure, maybe you occasionally add in, “I’m just saying we’re like the Giants, no one knows how good we really are,” softening up and deflecting some of your darkness on another 5-1 squad.
This level is Vikings fans at their most damaged. You are not only looking a gift horse in the mouth, you’re already making room for when that gift horse becomes glue. Because you know it will.
If you’re this person you are likely a true Minnesota sports fan, not just a broken Vikings fan. You’ve mastered the art of being optimistically pessimistic. You’ve probably found yourself comparing the NFC North to the American League Central, somehow linking the fate of the Vikings to the sky dive the Twins did in a similarly weak division to miss the playoffs this year. “The Packers are down, the Bears aren’t any good. The Lions are the Lions.” Is this you?
Or maybe you’re taking inspiration from the other side of town, and the Minnesota Wild who had an amazing regular season last year before being bounced in the first round of playoffs again. Maybe you find yourself saying, “Sure, we’re 5-1. But we all know how this is going to end. They’ll fold when it really matters,” before muttering something about Kirk Cousins in prime time and kicking your dog.
If this is you, congratulations! Because you are already dead inside. Despite watching all of the Vikings games, you’ve chosen to not believe because it’s easier and hurts less. This is the low of the low. You’ve reached ZERO-DARK-remember-when-Blair-Walsh-missed-the-kick-from-less-than-THIRTY.
“YEAH WE’RE 5-1, BUT THERE’S ANOTHER LEVEL.”
A LITTLE BETTER (Minus 1.0 Points)
If you’re this person, you still have a purple pulse. While you may see dead people, you are still breathing. In this scenario, you’re willing to accept the Vikings strong start before putting it neatly inside of an undervalued box, “Sure, we’re 5-1. But there’s another level. Teams like the Eagles, Bills, Chiefs . . .we’re no match for them come playoff time. There’s another level!”
If you’re this person you watch both the Vikings on Sunday, and a bunch of other NFL games each weekend. You probably walk around the house yelling things to your wife at a George Costanza-like pitch, screaming and throwing up your hands about the “other level.” “Josh Allen! He’s not even human. He’s 6’5” 230 pounds and he’s jumping over people. He’s jumping over people, honey!”
“Look at this Mahomes. He can throw a ball 90-yards with a sidearm flip. A sidearm flip! These guys will mop the floor with us!”
Yes, if you’re this type of Vikings fan, while you have accepted the 5-1 start, you’ve already drawn a line in the sand and put a popcorn ceiling on the Vikings season. You see the purple as mere mortals playing in the Marvel Universe. You’re proud of them, but you don’t actually think they have a chance. Unless they can quickly build an Iron Man suit. He was just a regular guy, right?
If you’re this type of Vikings fan, you probably consistently use the Eagles loss as your benchmark. “Look we haven’t played anyone, and when we did—look what happened. Jalen Hurts and the Eagles had their way with us. There’s another level!”
“THE LEAGUE IS IN TRANSITION, AND WE’RE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THAT TRANSITION.”
GETTING WELL (Plus 1.0 Points)
If you’re this Viking fan, you’re putting a lot of stock into slow starts for both Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady. You’re starting to wonder if there’s a changing of the guard in the NFL, and maybe the Vikings have played it better than most. Dare we say, you’re almost optimistic. While watching Vikings games in other peoples’ garages you might even say stuff like, “What the Vikings did well was they retooled along the way, avoiding the full rebuild.”
But deep down inside the thing that keeps you only partially positive, is you’re still waiting for Rodgers and Brady to rise again. You can’t fully commit to the Vikings actually being different or better or good. The best you can do is try to place them somewhere in the middle.
The only real difference between the league of transition types and the another level folks, is the former gives the Vikings more credit.
“OUR KEVINLY FATHER.”
FULL BELIEF (Plus 2.5 Points)
This Vikings fan gives all glory to god. And by god, we mean new head coach Kevin O’Connell. You know you’re this Vikings fan if you’re saying things like, “Kev, he just knows how to talk to Kirk. He calms him down. I don’t think Kirk’s ever had someone believe in him before.” Generally, if you refer to Coach O’Connell as “Kev,” you’re probably this type of Vikings fan.
This type of fan believes with O’Connell the Vikings have jumped from Zimmer’s “eye for an eye” Old Testament straight into the New Testament. We now have a cool young coach, and he’s become the weighted blanket we all need to soothe our collective Vikings anxiety.
This Vikings fan is going straight messiah with O’Connell. If you’re this type of fan, you’re giving him credit for everything, and you’re probably doing it in a weird way. “I bet O’Connell told Dalvin to change his number to 4. Smart.” Or “I bet Kev talked to J.J., Thielen, and K.J. so none of them would be selfish about how much they get the ball.” “I bet Kev’s gritty is the best of them all.” Sometimes you even imagine going to the Lifetime athletic club with Kevin. You’d workout together, and get smoothies. He’d smell clean. It’s not weird.
If you’re this Vikings fan, it’s night and day with the arrival of our Kevinly Father, Coach O’Connell. You’ve found yourself saying things like, “Kev, he doesn’t know our past. He doesn’t carry that baggage. He just knows how to win, and he’s going to show us all how to do it!”
So, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and look your Vikings fandom in the mirror and determine what type of Vikings fan you are. Pulltab Sports even gave you the entire bye week to do the math.
