SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 9: Purple State —Vikings 20 Washington 17.
Well, Purple Nation, it’s midterm election week, so it was only fitting our Minnesota Vikings should travel to Washington D.C. for a game in our Capital City. Washington D.C.—the land of marble monuments, powdered wigs, sleazy politicians and a hometown football team going through an identity crisis that is emblematic of an entire nation experiencing a similar one. Truth be told, us Vikings fans have a lot in common with “the Artist formerly known as the Washington Football Team” and their Kanye West worthy “what do we even call ourselves” identity crisis.
For starters, we still can’t believe we might…. actually…..be…..GOOD!?!?! Some of us are struggling to come to terms with it. We’re finding ourselves reflexively picking the Vikings in gambling parlays, or suicide pools, before reverting to our old hedge-our-emotional-bet ways and betting against them, or just not betting at all. A few of us have even found the Vikings down 10 points in the 4th quarter, saying things like, “oh, were fine, we’ll pull this out. Kirk will find a way.” WHAT? “Kirk will find a way???” WTF!!! Did I just think that in my head? I don’t even know who I am anymore!!!
It doesn’t help that the 2022 Vikings play each game in the “Purple State.” Seemingly every game is a win by one score, life on the edge, keep your friends close and your enemies closer scenario with the outcomes so close all of their games should be announced by Glenn Close. A swing state style that’s never over until the last play of the game and every vote is counted and then recounted again just to be sure. That’s the Purple State. We never put teams away, and we certainly never blow them out. To the contrary, we frequently fall behind late in games, sometimes by two scores, only to have our defense make “plucky” plays at the right time and continually come back with some last-minute heroics led by a clearly rejuvenated Kirk Cousins.
Sunday we saw our Vikes ride into Washington with a 6-1 record and a 5 game win streak, to play a Washington Commanders team riding their own 3 game win streak. The Commander’s were surging the last 3 weeks behind backup QB Taylor Heinicke who replaced Carson Wentz two weeks previously. Heinicke btw, is playing on an incentive laden contract, where he earns $125,000 for each win. After recent victories Heinicke has been using part of each bonus to buy himself a new pair of Air Jordans in the team colors of the teams he just defeated. Which sounds maybe a little too reminiscent of an old Native American tradition that I’m thinking the new look Commanders would maybe want to disassociate from? New identity guys! Fresh start! Come on, you can do this! Just pick one, and stick with it.
Taylor Heinicke (some may recall) signed as an undrafted free agent with the Vikings in 2015 and spent a hot minute as a member of the Purple, at a time when Kirk Cousins was still the starting QB for Washington. Now here we are in 2022 coming full circle, and both are making starts for the opposite teams Sunday. But which QB would be shopping for new Jordans at Foot Locker on Monday? That was the question.
Vikings Storm The Capital
One thing that didn’t particularly bode well for our Minnesota Vikings is that grown men dressed as Vikings aren’t exactly embraced in our Capital City these days (and rightly so). Especially on the 6th day of months that start with the number 1. Let’s hope QAnon Shaman wasn’t cheering on the Purple this Sunday, we don’t need that sort of bad energy on our bandwagon.
Secondly, the Vikings recent trip to Philadelphia, another city known for its patriotic heritage and powder wigs, hadn’t gone so well. So, perhaps a week in Washington wasn’t a good idea. Or maybe the Vikings are just allergic to talcum powder.
The 25 Most Devastating Conference Championship Loses in NFL History
The third thing that didn’t bode well heading into Sunday, was the Ghost of Darrin Nelson, otherwise known as the game where we lost our “a Life of Vikings Misery” virginity. This was the first of many soul crushing defeats to come and noted as one of the 25 most devastating conference championship losses in NFL history. Arguably it’s also a tipping point moment in football history that would eventually lead to the rise of the Dallas Cowboys dynasty and the decline of the Minnesota Vikings as our GM was so devastated by “the Darrin Nelson game” that he mortgaged our entire future for Herschel Walker to succeed Darrin. All because the Washington Commanders appear to have built their brand on a metaphorical Native American burial ground like the house in “Poltergeist,” cursing any organization that comes in contact with them. Thanks, Washington. You can keep your damn stimulus checks!
Early Sunday Darrin Nelson’s ghost seemed alive and well. Especially after a play early in the second half, when Taylor Heinicke made a terrible throw into triple coverage. A ball that seemed certain to be intercepted by the Vikings, until a referee or maybe Heinicke’s Foot Locker sales rep, decided to take matters into his own hands and tackle our defensive back before he could make the INT?! Allowing Curtis Samuel to catch a 49-yard TD pass and put Washington in front.
So, what was the score early in the 4th quarter? Washington 17 Vikings 10. Damn you, Darrin. Can’t you go haunt Herschel or something!? Actually, is Darrin Nelson even dead? Not sure why we assumed that.
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Lucky for the Purple, we have Harrison Smith and his Presidential sounding name lurking in the defensive backfield. With the score 17-10, just as they’ve been doing all season long, our plucky defense did their thing. Mr. Smith was able to provide a timely interception complete with what seemed like a 2-minute long “filibuster” return, eating up clock and putting Kirk in perfect position to tie up his old team.
Smith’s touchdown bowling celebration was also an instant classic brilliantly executed by the entire defense. However, we can’t help thinking the Vikings wins so far this season have all felt more like spares. Each game a frame that needs some cleaning up of the remaining standing pins on a second shot rally, never providing us fans the cathartic and emphatic pin clanking sound of a strike style victory on the first throw. Nevertheless, this team clearly is finding a way to win consistently. Could it be that their trip to London earlier this season has bonded them? Do the Vikings have an English “Peaky Blinder”-ish edge to them? A Guy Ritchie tough guy gentlemen vibe?
We’re not sure what it is. But, yes Kirk, we like that! And we’ll order more of it, please.
If the Horns Fit.
One guy that definitely looks good in horns, is new tight end, T.J. Hockenson. Hell, this guy looks like he might have been the original model for the Vikings logo? Hockenson looks like someone you can baptize by fire, toss him in and he’s good to go. Although watching him on the sidelines, we are a little concerned he might be a bit of a close talker. Btw - How soon is too soon to buy a Vikings jersey of a guy that’s only been on the team a week? Asking for a friend.
For the record, with the addition of T.J. we now have a JJ, KJ and TJ catching passes from Kirk. Not to mention CJ Ham coming out of the backfield. Seriously, it’s getting weird. Kirk likes his J’s equally as he’s been spreading the ball around like the loaves and fishes. Adam Thielen is probably trying to figure out how to change his name to AJ Theilen and maybe pick up carpentry before they trade him for AJ Brown in Philly. Actually, come to think of it, that’s probably how we got stuck with Jalen Reagor. Kirk probably said something like, “get me that Philly J receiver” intending for Vikings brass to grab AJ Brown and instead they mistakenly got Jalen.
The Magic Wall
So Purple Nation, here we are. Our Vikes sit at 7-1, in arguably the worst division in the NFL. That said, with a 5 game lead on the rest of the division, the Vikings campaign trail to the playoffs is looking pretty clear. We will only need 2 to 3 more wins out of the next 9 games to secure a playoff spot. Anthony Barring a complete meltdown like in 2003 when we started 6-1, we look pretty solid to make the playoffs. Especially if somehow we keep getting teams when they are decimated by injuries and forced to play our ex-Viking castoff QB’s against us. See Miami Dolphins and Teddy Bridgewater. See Washington and Taylor Heinicke, and if Josh Allen’s elbow injury turns out to be anything serious, possibly the Buffalo Bills and Case Keenum (with Stefon Diggs), which could be scary, but not as scary as a healthy Josh Allen.
It seems pretty clear we are a playoff team. The question now is, can we be a GOOD playoff team? Can we make it to the Super Bowl? These next two weeks should be some good bellwether tests against Buffalo and Dallas.
But if you asked me today to cast my vote of whether we are a really good team or not, I think I’m still stuck in the Purple State. Until next week.
