SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 13: Cardinal Abuse — Vikings 23 Cardinals 22
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
White Smoke, Pope. Black Smoke, Nope.
The film Conclave is getting a ton of Oscar buzz for its fictional portrayal of selecting a new Pope. If you don’t know (and why would you), a papal conclave happens when it’s time to select a new Pope, all the various cardinals (the almost Popes) assemble in a sequestered location to pick the new guy. It’s sort of like an election primary, only for religion. Also, no idea if we should capitalize Pope, but feels like we totally should. Plus, we’re 10-2, so let’s not mess with anything.
When the cardinals are voting for the new Pope inside the sequestered location, they release smoke to show the progress of the election. Black smoke signals they have not reached an agreement, and white smoke signals they are aligned and have picked a new Pope. Then everyone cheers, and the new Pope usually waves from a balcony. It’s basically a weird old thing we do, and no one knows why, like the electoral college.
What does all of this have to do with our Vikings? A couple things. For starters, the Catholic church certainly knows a thing or two about Cardinal abuse, which is what the Vikings did to the Cardinals snatching victory from the jaws of defeat this weekend.
But more importantly, it begs a bigger question. Where are we with this Vikings season? Are we aligned? Do we have a mandate? Do we believe? Or is this just another straw dog that’s going to come crashing down in the first round of the playoffs? Is it white smoke or black smoke we’re seeing?
Let’s break it down, shall we.
Let’s Appreciate the Regular Season Shall We.
While it’s true Surly makes a “Before I Die” Vikings themed beer, and most of us have never seen the Vikings in the Super Bowl, let alone win one. What’s also true is this team gives us consistent joy almost every damn regular season. When is the last time we truly had a rebuild, if ever? Les Steckel?
Unlike the Twins, Wild, and Timberwolves where regular seasons range from 162 to 82 game grind fests, the NFL hosts 17 glorious weekends of regular season football. If you stick with a baseball team for 162 games and then go 0-17 like the Twins, or collect first round exits in hockey—it makes you feel angry for all the investment you put in.
Now contrast this with the NFL schedule, and the Vikings history of consistent success. It’s night and day. Think of all the joy this team has given us, even recently we have the crazy Bills game, the Colts comeback, the Passtronaut, and Coach O’Connell doing his best Ted Lasso performance putting Sam Darnold back together like a ginger Humpty Dumpty.
Yes, being a Vikings fan hasn’t sucked in the regular season for a real long time, maybe ever. There has been a steady stream of superstars like Adrian Peterson, Randy Moss, Justin Jefferson, and more. We bought Jared Allen belt buckles, we “Got our Roll On” with Dante, and even had “Pants on the Ground” with Favre. Hell, if the Minnesota Vikings regular season was a TV series, it’d be one of my favorite all time shows, we’re talking Sopranos and The Wire caliber here.
Perhaps this is just a defense mechanism where a hyper competitive NFC North has us looking to finish with 12+ wins, and likely have to go on the road for the first round of the playoffs. Could I see the Vikings losing an ugly game to Baker Mayfield or even the Cardinals team we just faced? Of course I could. This isn’t my first purple rodeo.
But here is the deal, baseball, basketball and hockey regular seasons are marathons. It’s like laying bricks, it’s long and it’s hard. By contrast, the NFL regular season is like getting dressed up for a special date night and heading to a restaurant once a week. You put on Mase’s “Feel So Good” and “Head west, red Lex, TV’s all up in the headrest.” And dare I say it, the Minnesota Vikings have been a really good regular season date for a really long time. Thank you, Purple.
Glad I got that off my chest. Also, if Mase is all tangled up in this Diddy stuff, sorry about the reference. We were too lazy to check.
What If Bruno Mars Was Your QB?
Not only did the Vikings abuse the Cardinals this weekend, they also beat quarterback Kyler Murray. And that’s not an easy thing to do. Kyler Murray is Bruno Mars playing quarterback. His so tiny, and fast, it’s like trying to catch a racoon in your trash can. He’s almost cute, like you want to pick him up and do the airplane. He’s like the Little Pep character from the Dr. Pepper ads, a human pocket square.
And he’s good. When Kyler Murray is healthy, and not packing his gaming console in his backpack instead of the playbook, he’s a stud. So, kudos to bad man Brian Flores, and his bend-don’t-break defense for putting the darling little genie in a bottle.
Also, it has to be cool to have a Bruno Mars quarterback. Kyler is like a video game back there, and it’s fun to watch. He’s got the cool hair, the eye black under one eye (which is more Nelly than Bruno, but stick with us), and the big smile. I guess if anyone is going to potentially end us in the playoffs, it might as well be Bruno Mars with a green dot on his helmet.
Everybody Else Goes Off.
When is the last time you saw a selfless wide receiver? Justin Jefferson hasn’t scored a touchdown since my pontoon was still in the water, but you never see him yelling at Sam. Also, we think if he did yell at Sam, it’s possible Darnold might actually shatter into a million pieces on the field. So, that’s probably a good thing he hasn’t.
You never see J.J. chirping at the coach, or mouthing “give me the damn ball.” He isn’t working his personal agenda in the press.
To the contrary, Jefferson is on record saying, “I can go off, or everyone else can go off,” and he truly doesn’t care because he just wants to win. How refreshing is that, and for a Wide Receiver!!! And you know who also just wants to win? Vikings fans. And this might just be the Vikings team to do it.
What’s that I see? White smoke? Good, it looks like we’re aligned then. Although purple smoke might be even cooler. Can we do purple smoke? Yeah, purple smoke would be good.
SKOL!
Epilogue: Donate to a Good Cause
Please don’t forget to join us in donating to the National Skoliosis Foundation after each Viking win.
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