SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 15:Whiteout Christmas - Vikings 30 Bears 12
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Artificial Snow
Not sure how this happened. We live in Minnesota. The rest of the world basically thinks we’re Eskimos, but fact: we didn’t even have a winter last year. Fact: this year’s winter is also off to a slow start. So much so that Minnesotans (and not just the snowmobile hardcore) are genuinely excited that it finally snowed this week.
Which is why it made sense that the Vikings would debut their spanking new Winter Warrior uniforms last Monday night, with the entire Nation watching and state still starving for a white Christmas.
What do we think about these unis? Can we talk about it?
Was it just us, or did they not really land—at least on television? There was something about the white horns on the helmet, they looked almost like stickers. I kept waiting for a Viking player to get tackled and then see the horn sticker stuck on a Bears jersey.
Feels like the Vikings just slightly missed on these Winter Warriors unis. All they had to do was roll with a dark purple horn (like Ahmad Rashad era dark purple, Tommy Kramer and Toughskin jeans dark purple) on the side of the helmets, and I think they stick, instead of sticker, the landing. And there is precedent for this as our cross the border rivals, the hated Packers, actually had a dark logo on the side of their recent whiteout uniforms.
Not to mention the whiteout uniforms are a bit weird, especially for football. If all matte black is known by the kids as “murdered out,” what exactly do we call all white? It had the once feared purple people eaters looking like lace doilies, bashful brides, mimes, or a discontinued Kanye collection.
Sleepy Joe on the Gjallarhorn
Don’t get me wrong, I love Joe Mauer. The dude is Mr. Minnesota. He’s a touch of class. When my son was young, we had heard that if you sent Joe fan mail, that he sat down with his mother and mailed back a reply to every letter he received. I had assumed this was hyperbole like the Indian and the Star on the wrapper getting you free Tootsie Pops story. But when my son did eventually send Joe a letter, sure enough he received a typed reply like the one below to the questions he had asked the Hall of Fame catcher. Pretty cool.
Let’s add some things together here. Okay, all black = murdered out. We’re wearing all white for an NFC North game against the pesky Bears, who last time we played them proved to be as hard to kill as the bad guy in Die Hard (staying on the Christmas theme here). Basically, we’re sending out a team of virgin brides into an actual Bears den. And to kickstart the ceremony we have Sleepy Joe Mauer, a guy who was sponsored by a milk company for god’s sake, blowing the horn. As great a baseball player as Joe was, his entire life is basically peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crust cut off. Hate to say it, but Joe is more Lloyd Christmas vibes than Whiteout Christmas vibes.
Rather than start the night with a shot of Jager or Fireball, Joe wiped the skim milk mustache off his upper lip and blew into the Gjallarhorn meekly. Literally landing a flat note. The entire thing felt a bit like a Life Alert ad, or a flocked Christmas tree. There wasn’t much Warrior about it. Could we have gotten the Ultimate Warrior to blow the horn, is he still alive? That’s how this thing needed to start. Did Jon Snow not return our calls?
A Wide Receiver Like No Other
After taking a trimester off from hitting paydirt, Justin Jefferson scored early against the Bears, and rather than focus on an extended Gritty dance, immediately found the camera to say “WE LOVE YOU RANDY, THIS IS FOR YOU!” Giving a great shoutout to #84, Randy Moss, who is battling cancer.
This falls in line with Jefferson continuing to defy everything wide receivers are supposed to be. Is it possible that a guy playing wideout isn’t a selfish prick that wants to yell at his quarterback and demand the ball, and instead is a “We” not “Me” guy? He’s like a #hockeyguy playing wide receiver. Amazing.
Related, what is happening with Jefferson’s under the chin first down finger waggle? Is that a Turkey gobble? What does this mean? I need to know so much more.
In conclusion, despite the flaccid whiteout game facts, the Vikings did win the game, and in convincing fashion. While our tree might have been flocked, our team didn’t get flocked. This Vikings team didn’t flock it up even though we were all texting the group chat that the Bears were going to comeback “just like last time.” They didn’t, and it was good.
Which could mean that maybe, just maybe, this Vikings team won’t flock it up in the playoffs either, and the Ginger Jesus will ride our white unicorn all the way to the Big Easy.
Super Bowl or not, it’s going to be a white Christmas after all, which turns out is actually better than a whiteout Christmas.
Epilogue: Donate to a Good Cause
Please don’t forget to join us in donating to the National Skoliosis Foundation after each Viking win.
NETWORK PARTNERS
