SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 3: LEAVING FOR GREENARD PASTURES — Vikings 34 Texans 7
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Is it just us, or does it seem like the entire 2024 NFL Season is all about leaving for greener pastures? Or should we say Jonathan Greenard pastures. The former Texas defensive end tallied three sacks against his former club this week and is off to career year three games into the young season.
But Greenard isn’t the only one. Sam Darnold bested his former 49ers club in week two, and former Vikings Stefon Diggs and Danielle Hunter paled in comparison to their replacements this weekend. And another former Texan, Kamu Grugier-Hill played in place of an injured Ivan Pace Jr. and had an interception and a forced fumble (which was called back, but totally shouldn’t have been).
It seems the entire NFC North is wife swapping this season with the Bears lamenting choosing Caleb Williams over a 3-0 Justin Fields, and former Packer running back Aaron Jones squaring off in the biannual border battle this weekend.
And not to be left out, the Lions might have even started the greener pastures trend with their straight up Super Bowl quarterback swap of Matthew Stafford and Jared Goff a few years back. Stafford’s wife knows a thing or two about discovering greener pastures . . .
As our 3-0 Vikings stare down the Packers this weekend, it seems that 2024 is all about leaving for Greenard pastures and keeping up with the Aaron Joneses.
The G.O.A.T. of Sams
On Sunday the Purple made the Texans look like the worst thing you can be when you hail from the Lone Star State, “All hat, no cattle.” That’s cowboy speak for “all sizzle, no steak.”
Leading the charge as we cattle drove our way right over the Texans, was the completely reborn “Yosemite” Sam Darnold. He even has the ginger beard to prove it. If this Vikings semi-truck is headed to N’awlins for the “big game” this season, it’ll be Yosemite Sam mudflaps blowing in the breeze on the way down. Skol!
After Sam’s sterling 3-0 start, it’s a fair question to ask if Sam Darnold is the best Sam of all time? Consider the last 4 quarterbacks to lead our Vikings to a 3-0 start: Fran Tarkenton, Dante Culpepper, Bret Favre, and (wait for it) Sam Darnold.
Earlier this month, Ranker.com did a list of the 100 most famous Sams or Samuels. Darnold didn’t make the the top 100, but that didn’t stop him from being a sarcastic punchline in the intro, with Ranker referring to him as “the unforgettable NFL star Sam Darnold.” Yikes.
Well, Ranker, we redid the rankings and turns out Sam Darnold is now the best Sam to have ever lived. Here is the Pulltab Sports revised top 5 Sams of All Time, and the reason why Darnold edged them out:
1. Sam Darnold: The undisputed G.O.A.T. of all Sams.
2. Sam Elliott: He basically is Sam Darnold, but can’t throw a spiral while holding a revolver. Not to mention the new Road House remake was slightly better than the original.
3. Samuel L. Jackson: Strong contender, but Snakes on a Plane did him in.
4. Sam Malone from Cheers: Afraid of commitment, and has to work at the bar on Sundays.
5. Sammy Davis Jr.: Also a strong Sam, but “Candy Man” has a slightly creepy vibe.
It’s official, Sam Darnold is the best Sam that ever lived!
The NFC North Would Make a Great Western
Greenard pastures. Cattle driving over the Texans, even a cowboy hat trick of sacks for Greenard. It’s safe to say, the NFC North is looking a lot like a Western these days.
Another lesser Sam, Sam Elliott starred in Lonesome Dove. But things looked more like a “Lonesome Shove” for Jonathan Greenard as a poor little rookie tight end tried unsuccessfully to block him on Sunday. Even Texan offensive lineman, Laremy Tunsil had himself an itchy trigger finger with a whopping 5 penalties and three false starts. Stay hot, Laremy. Stay hot!
Maybe the Grass Isn’t Greener on the Other Side
This wouldn’t be Sköliosis without taking a metaphor to the point of confusion alongside some hastily created A.I. generated pics, so let’s give the people what they want.
All through life, we are looking for greener pastures and wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. And let’s be honest, the 2024 Vikings feelings are weird. We were on a Delta flight for part of the Vikings game with no Wi-Fi this weekend, and when we landed and asked our buddies for an update, the word “dominating” showed up on multiple texts. More specifically, “We’re dominating on both sides of the ball.” What?
Yes, Vikings fans, that little pit you have in your stomach is called hope. Only time will tell if this is another Charlie and Lucy skit where we get the football pulled out from under us, but for now let’s learn from the Chicago Bears and love the one we’re with. Let’s all just decide to enjoy it. We’re 3-0. It’s great. Period.
Besides, Packer week is definitely not the time to wonder if the grass is greener (and gold) on the other side.
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