SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 6: THE CROWN — Vikings 23 Jets 17
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
This has been great, hasn’t it?
The Vikings are 5-0, that’s perfect if you’re keeping score. And the way we got to do it couldn’t have been more enjoyable. Picking up our fifth win against former nemesis Aaron Rogers, who looked even more miserable than usual. Is there anything better than winning the London game? You get to wake up early, place a blanket on your lap and you’ve already collected the victory by midday. You have your entire Sunday in front of you! I went on a walk with my wife, it felt like Dorothy opening the door to Technicolor for the first time. People were walking their goldendoodles in Vikings gear, everyone was happy, horns were honking. No one had the stress created “elevens” in their brow line, it was like football Botox. And we still had time to go to Home Depot or Bed Bath and Beyond, take a nap, or keep on drinking.
If that wasn’t amazing enough, we then got to parlay the Purple’s 5-0 start right into a bye week, effectively creating a victory lap for our Vikings, sitting atop a particularly nasty NFC North. We didn’t even have to watch football this weekend. We could organize our garages, walk the goldendoodle again, take the wife on a picnic, or make an Aidan Hutchinson voodoo doll (too soon?). In hockey terms, we had our guy. Why not savor it for two full weeks.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, let’s look back before looking forward.
The British Things
While we briefly considered titling this column The Colour (British people spell weird) Purple, we decided against it for about 5,000 reasons. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least acknowledge the unique London game things. For starters, we had Jets fans dressed up as Ted Lasso, but they were easily trumped with this Vikings diva who showed up looking a whole heck of a lot like Ted’s Boss, Rebecca Welton (Hannah Wadding”CJ”ham). That’s right New York, the Vikings are the boss of you!
Tiktok has already covered the Parent Trap celebration, but that was cool too. There also seems to be some weird synergy with a team once dismissed as the “ViQueens” or “The Queens,” during sports fans’ sexist pre-Caitlin Clark years, now wearing the crown of the NFC as “God Save the King” is being sung pregame. We couldn’t have scripted it better.
And just when we thought Brian Flores defense couldn’t be any more sinister, the hitman Harrison Smith rolled out as a Peaky Blinder after the game. This future Hall of Famer is a true thug in Purple, the Hitman could easily star in a Guy Ritchie film. Legend.
Not to mention Smith looked a lot cooler in Peaky garb than another guy from a few years back. You may recognize his sad face.
Aaron Rodgers Sad Face
As a Packer Aaron Rodgers had his way with the Vikings, beating us 17 out of 29 times—tied for the most of any quarterback with Bret Favre. This fact made the Vikings London game so much more enjoyable, getting to see Rodgers turn into an angry old man on the sideline looking like he wanted to snap the Microsoft Surface in half every time he came off the field. It was reminiscent of Brett Favre playing out in the cold his second year with the Vikings when it looked like he’d pay money to get off the field. Aaron Rodgers sad face is something most Vikings fans can’t get enough of in their feed, and he was completely joyless in London.
And just when we thought it couldn’t get any better, the Jets went and fired their coach after the game. While we expected Pat McAfee to get the job with an assist from angry old Aaron, we were just happy to watch the Vikings Anti-Hero tour continue to a new continent.
Which brings us to this week, and a true test against the 4-1 Detroit Lions.
Something has to give. There can only be one King of the NFC North jungle. Will it be the resurgent no-one-saw-this-coming Vi-KINGS that grab the crown, or the King of the jungle, Lions, who take the throne? We’ll know a lot more after this Sunday.
The Other Sad Aaron
Aaron Jones getting injured sure did change the Vikings offense, as we had to endure an Alabama Vs. Georgia style near comeback from the Jets as we finished our morning mimosas, C.J. Ham and waffles. Jones was back at practice Monday, so with any luck the Vikings early season MVP will be in lineup for the NFC North showdown this weekend.
Football Is Life
While it was the Jets fans in Ted Lasso costume in London, the lesson after the Vikings 5-0 start has to be: BELIEVE. Until someone takes it from us, the Vikings have the throne. We wear the crown. We are the Kings.
To quote from the gospel of Martin Zellar, because deep down this is how most Vikings fans still feel despite the unexpected and undefeated start to the season:
Open your eyes and look around
Then slowly get up off the ground
First figure where you are
Find your keys, your coat, your car
I don’t want to wear your crown
I’ll only let you down
—Gear Daddies “Wear Your Crown”
Said simply, we live to die another day. See you Sunday.
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