SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 7: Purple PSYCHOsis — Detroit 31 Minnesota 29
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Yep, it’s terrifying being a Minnesota Viking fan isn’t it? Each season is a frightening journey through a haunted house of funhouse mirrors. We brace ourselves, clutching our Barcalounger armrests for the jump scare losses that we know will leap out at us at any moment, like the screeching black cats in B-horror movies that leap out unexpectedly, or in the case of this weekend, the roaring Lions that jumped out. Even when we know it's coming, we can’t help being startled. Splashing our popcorn everywhere along with an assortment of expletives when we inevitably startle in our seats. Being a Viking fan is like that panic inducing Hasbro came Perfection that spontaneously explodes the game board when you least suspect it.
Which is sort of a perfect analogy of this past weekend’s game right? The Vikings hurried to put another winning game piece into its respective position, having plopped 5 down already on our way towards “Perfection.” But we knew that damn timer was ticking and our clock was running out, when alas, the timer buzzed, the game board went POP, and now we start anew, picking up all our Viking gear off the floor after tossing it off in a huff. Now we hurry to rebuild our next win streak as quickly as possible before the other NFC North teams surpasses us one by one and becoming the cooler Hemsworth brothers, demoting us to the least famous one that no-ones ever heard of. It’s hard being in the NFC North cool family, isn’t it?
Everybody Has a (G)off Day Now and Then…
Yeah, this weekend the Motor City Kitties came to our town from Mo-town, with their 4-1 record and Preseason Super Bowl aspirations to take on our Vikings and our perfect 5-0 record. In a highly anticipated contest pitting Detroit’s hyper aggressive offense against Brian Flores’s hyper aggressive blitzing Defense, something had to give. Thus far Brian Flores' defense has been deliciously devious at confounding and confusing Pro-Bowl and Hall of Fame caliber QBs alike. Forcing low QB ratings, low completion percentages and timely interceptions, the defense has come up big all season long. Sunday things started off promising, with Flores D producing early three and outs that led to an impatient Dan Campbell going predictably into over aggressive Dan mode early with an ill-advised fake punt attempt inside his own 40. Campbell is a bit like a rabid raccoon, predictably unpredictable, and while his over aggressive style can frequently blow up in their face, it’s extremely unsettling to play against. Like hanging out with your friend that thinks randomly flicking you in the nuts when you least suspect it is funny. Your head is always on a swivel.
So, after a quick 10-0 lead and some early defensive stops, the defense’s wheels started to come off as Detroit's aggressive offense started to wear down our brake pads. From there, Flores Defense had what might be considered a “Goff Day,” as Jared Goff was playing his own game of perfection, going 15-15 in the first half leading to a 21 point outburst and putting the Vikes in the very rare position of having to play from behind for a change.
JefferSon of Sam
Lucky for us Viking fans, we have our own terror-inducing players, including Justin Jefferson, who has been known to terrorize the Lions repeatedly over the last few years. Sunday was no exception as Jefferson caught another 7 catches for 81 yards and a TD, kickstarting a comeback from down 21-10.
But perhaps JJ is a little too terrifying? While Sam Darnold has been a very pleasant surprise thus far this season, there is a little concern over here at Sköliosis HQ that Sam doesn’t look completely comfortable back there at times. In fact, sometimes he looks down right petrified lately, the “I’m seeing ghosts” look he made famous in New York. The look of someone that can’t wait for the ride to be over. Which to be fair, is the same look plastered on most of our Viking fans' faces from week to week. Is it possible that Justin Jefferson’s superhuman feats creep Sam out a little? Is he like the father of Damian the child in the movie Omen that knows he might be a supernatural freak. Or perhaps the stress of perfection was just becoming a lot.
Maybe what Sam needs to do is take a page from Jared Goff and Baker Mayfield’s book and adopt a wild and loose alter ego a.k.a Dreaj Foge or Gus Swayze. One that allows Sam to exercise all his demons, to indulge in his deepest fantasies and let go of some of the fear of failure. It is Halloween afterall, the season to unleash your freaky side. By all accounts Sam is supposed to be a “good guy” so maybe riding this season's Vikings anti-hero’s journey has been a tad uncomfortable for him. Hell, it’s been uncomfortable for all of us. This is the land of Minnesota Nice afterall. While we are not encouraging Sam to loosen his morals, and we definitely aren’t complaining about his win/loss results, we wouldn’t mind seeing him sharpen a little edge to his personality. To develop a little dark side he can tap into when we have inevitable tight games like last Sunday.
Keeping Pace
While Flores’ Defense lost its mojo in the mid quarters, they did find themselves in time to get another lead changing late TD via Ivan Pace Jr. Unfortunately they could follow it up with another stop, Allowing Goff and company to methodically drive down the field and into position for their newly recruited Kicker Jake “Norman” Bates to stab us in the shower. The kid says 18 months ago he was working as a brick salesman, but that’s clearly an alibi to cover for his real gig of working with his dead mom running a creepy old motel. Either way, Mr. Bates and the Lions helped kick start our Halloween early.
Playing Possum
The one thing we do know about NFL seasons is that they are marathons not sprints. Chess matches that extend beyond just the confines of single games. There’s a great story about legend pitcher Greg Maddux of the Atlanta Braves told by one of his former teammates about how Greg intentionally served up a predictable meatball pitch to an opposing player he knew he would be seeing again in the playoffs, setting him up with the long con to ultimately dupe him with the pitch when it counted. It’s probably wishful thinking, but perhaps Brian Flores Halloween costume this week was playing the role of a little possum Sunday to Campbell’s rabid raccoon schtick. Is it too much to hope that Flores is saving some tricks and treats for a yellow brick road that will likely travel through the scary woods where the Lions lurk on our way to the Emerald City.
We can’t be sure. But while our dreams of finishing the season undefeated might be over, the dreams of winning a Super Bowl are not yet. There is an old saying, dress for the job you want, not for the job you have. So for this Halloween, maybe we should all go in costume as Kansas City Chiefs fans (people that know what it's like to win) or as Lombardi trophies, instead of the same ole costume of skittish perpetually defeated Vikings fans that we wear every year.
Who knows. Maybe it will prove to be prophetic!!
Epilogue: Donate to a Good Cause
One last thing. Now that the docks are coming out of the water and the lake season is ending, our tradition of jumping in the lake after each Vikings score will be more and more challenging. As an alternative, we will be donating to the National Scoliosis Foundation after each Viking win. Because we could all use some deposits into our good karma bank accounts right? If you like the weekly insanity of these columns, join us in donating @ https://www.scoliosis.org/donate/
SKOL!!
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