SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 9: The Purple State — Vikings 21 Colts 13
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
We don’t do politics here at Pulltab Sports. But it was election day this week, and what happens when you mix up a bunch of red and blue states? In theory, you end up with a whole lot of purple. And the truth is, no matter how you’re feeling about the election, being a Vikings fan is perfect training either way. Consider:
If you’re ecstatic because you won, but don’t know how to react and are a little worried that something really bad might happen in the future . . .Bingo! Vikings fans know this feeling.
If you’re devastated that you lost and think there’s no hope for the future whatsoever . . .Bingo! Vikings fans know this feeling, too.
What did Nietzsche say? “Being a Viking fan will kill you,” yeah, I think that was it.
On the bright side, the Vikings 3-week hopscotch down easy street started on the positive with a victory over the Indianapolis Colts. They’re now 6-2, with two more very winnable non-conference games coming up against Jacksonville and Tennessee, as the Vikings try to earn their first trip to the White House as champions (we’re not counting the time the Viking stormed the capitol). Here is what we noticed this week.
THE REALLY SLEEPY JOE
We know Joe Flacco is known for having ice in his veins and being “Joe Cool” on the field. But he seemed almost comatose out there this week, like he had been drugged. Making things even more confusing was the Colts head coach, Shane Steichen, sort of seems like a bizarro version of Flaccid Flacco too. (Flaccid Flacco 2.0?) Coach Steichen looks like the something’s just a little off, store brand version of Joe Flacco. Watching the game was like watching the TV show Succession, only if all of the children were played by Cameron from Ferris Bueller (Alan Ruck, a.k.a. Connor Roy). The entire Sunday Night Football experience came off like a Tryptophan induced version of a Where’s Waldo fever dream. It was just long faced, brown haired dudes, with droopy eyes, wandering around like they didn’t want to be there. It made you tired to even watch, if yawning has a spirit animal it’s present-day Joe Flacco, and his lookalike coach. Let my Cameron go!
And just to take the Election Day parallels all the way to the polls, the Colts technically did decide to sit their young, up-and-coming quarterback, Anthony Richardson, who recently took himself out of a game for being tired, in favor of the 39-year old who actually naps on the sidelines.
Luckily, we had daylight savings on Sunday morning where we got to “Fall back” an hour with our clocks, because all those Joe Flaccos and almost Joe Flaccos lumbering around had us feeling real, real sluggish. Maybe the game being flexed to Sunday Night did Flacco in. He’d already put the pint glasses in the freezer, and poured himself the 2% milk, there was no turning back. The blanket was already on the lap! Nighty night, Joe.
WHERE DOES THE GUARDIAN HELMET THING GO NEXT?
If the premise for wearing the extra protection of a Guardian helmet in the NFL is that you’re worried about getting hurt or sustaining a brain injury, it’s only a matter of time before all Vikings fans should have to wear guardian helmets during games from all the PTSD concussions and airbags going off at the end of regular seasons.
Also, it’s pretty cool that when the Colts wear Guardian helmets they look a lot like the knockoff stormtroopers from Spaceballs. So that was fun.
CAM ROBINSON IS PART OF THE SHIP! PART OF THE CREW!
Last we checked, left tackle is a pretty important position in the National Football League. And when Christian Darrisaw went down with a season ending knee injury, things were looking grim for the Vikings. In steps Kwesi, and now we have a more than serviceable left tackle without missing a beat as the Vikings traded for Jacksonville’s Cam Robinson.
Coach Kevin O’Connell gave Robinson one of the game balls after the Colts victory, and Robinson’s “new guy” energy was rampant throughout Sunday night’s game. You can tell this is a dude with a chip on his shoulder that is looking to settle some scores. Expect him to play big against his former team this weekend, the Jaguars.
Cam Robinson has fit in with the purple as quickly as a sorority girl at rush or a Pirate of the Caribbean that actually became part of the Viking ship. Wait, this really happened? That’s right, the Jaguars were dying, and Robinson had to stab the heart of the Colts to join the Vikings crew. Or something like that.
Part of the Ship! Part of the Crew! Part of the Ship! Part of the Crew!
THE POETRY OF HARRISON THE HITMAN
Harrison Smith is 35 years old. But he must be drinking the Tom Cruise baby blood, because dude doesn’t age, he just keeps crushing people like Harry the Hitman does.
In what was otherwise a fairly sleepy (so many Flaccid Flaccos) game, the poetry of Harrison Smith was on full display when he stopped two plays on his own toward the end of the game. It was a perfect strong safety couplet, as twice Flacco tried to squeeze one by the wily veteran, and twice Harry closed the door. Someday when Harrison Smith is gone (which might be never because he might be immortal) I want you to remember those two plays and just what an important piece of the puzzle Harrison Smith is, and has been, for ages.
In closing, no matter if you were cheering for red or blue in the election, you’re part of the purple state here at Sköliosis. And the purple state is feeling good. Like Ric Flair good as we stroll down easy street heading to the Big Easy. Jet flyin! Limousine ridin’, it’s all about confidence, baby! Now let’s go get those next 2 wins!
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