SKÖLIOSIS Week 1
Welcome to SKÖLIOSIS, the only semi-regular Minnesota Vikings column that acknowledges that being a Minnesota Vikings fan is detrimental to your health.
Now let’s take a random and unorganized stroll through Week 1.
THE QUARTERBACK QUANDRY
Let’s face it, the hardest part of being a Vikings fan is that our current quarterback is not a gunslinger, he does not have a twinkle in his eye, and he cannot pull-off sauntering down to the pool in his hotel bath robe. Nope, Kirk Cousins is a cub scout troop leader playing NFL quarterback. And while his stat line is consistently impressive, he doesn’t have the “It Factor” that makes you love your QB.
This was on full display week 1 as Heisman trophy winner, Joe Burrow, looked like he should have a black and white photo of his girlfriend tucked into his helmet like some sort of Band of Brothers meets Saving Private Ryan war hero, as he rode the bike on the sideline with his geometric haircut and canteen full of charisma. By contrast, having Kirk in the center of your huddle feels like your quarterback is a suburban dad who just took up biking but wears all the gear. Yep, Kirk would love to tell you about his latest cycling trip, while the rest of the QBs in the league are trying to find a tin of Copenhagen and a tire swing to toss balls through.
How predictable has it become for Kirk to check down and pass to guys five yards short of the sticks on 3rd and 4th down situations when we need a first? Kirk evades pressure in the pocket like my grandpa trying to run out the garage after pushing the button to close the door. It’s full old man panic, and it’s hard to watch.
This, at its core, is why it’s hard to be a Vikings fan in 2021: our quarterback is not cool. He might even be good, but he’s not cool. And it ruins it.
BIG IS BEAUTIFUL
The Vikings have a new big guy in the middle, and Michael Pierce is making us all happy. Pierce had two sacks in the opener, and is amazingly quick for a guy his size— which by the way is substantial. Pierce is almost as big as Coach Zimmer, a refrigerator Perry light. Pierce was signed last season, but he did the Covid opt-out. This would normally make us scratch our head, but Pierce does look pretty high risk and since he’d probably take up three ICU beds it was the responsible thing for him to do. On a side note, how did that Covid opt out work? Did these guys just take a year off and still collect pay checks? If so, maybe Pierce is brilliant. Definitely looks like someone that’s a lot of fun at parties.
Similar to Pierce, there seem to be more positives than negatives to Coach Zimmer’s recent weight gain. Most notable was the fact that if you watched the game you wouldn’t know that Zimmer was heavier until he turned sideways. This proves that wearing all black is indeed slimming, something we had thought was true but Zimmer proved outright. Coach also likes to fold his arms, and now he has a spot for them to rest. It is ironic that a Coach who has such palpable hate for kickers now finds himself “wide right” of the Body Mass Index chart.
ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN
If Coach Zimmer isn’t, in fact, growing our third receiver under his black golf shirt, we might have found one in second year player K.J. Osborn. Osborn caught 7 passes for 76 yards—including catching a pass FROM Justin Jefferson whom went full Daniel Day-Lewis method acting on the play. Jefferson waited so long to pull up for the pass that Osborn had to make a bobbling sideline catch. If Jefferson was a cop and had to go deep undercover, he’d be one of those guys who goes “too deep” and loses himself not remembering which side he’s on.
ZIMMER LIKES KICKERS
Coach Zimmer actually likes his kickers, for one week at least. Greg Joseph making a nice first impression nailing a clutch 52-yarder TWICE to put the game into overtime while battling through the timeout icing. Wouldn’t it be great if “timeout icing” was a thing in the real world, I’d personally love to “timeout ice” my co-worker on our next sales call. “Why don’t you go ahead and that pitch again, Dale.” Jordan Berry also had some stellar punting that bailed the Vikings out of some field position challenges a few times pinning Cinci deep. Enjoy being on Zimmer’s good side while it lasts, boys. He’s gonna hate you both soon enough.
WE WANTED TO GET A BAD JOKE IN HERE AND IT WON’T TAKE THAT MUCH OF YOUR TIME, SO HERE GOES.
Another new name on the team, Nick Vigil, made an appearance earning the first Viking sack of the season. Maybe Cincinnati should have tried “holding Vigil” on that play.
RANDALL CUNNINGHAM IS BACK?!?
Did I just see Randall Cunningham make a tackle on our defense? No, apparently that was Patrick Peterson, sporting the number 7 after the rule change that has Tom Brady’s Ugg’s in a bunch. Welcome, Patrick.
THE PINKMAN’S PARENTS PRINCIPLE
Vikings Fans have to feel like Jesse Pinkman’s parents on Breaking Bad. This year’s schedule literally gave them an opening game against an ideal candidate. Between Cinci, Houston or Jacksonville—we couldn’t ask for a better matchup. It was like a college team padding their early season schedule with lower tier competition at the start. Until the Vikings of course blow it and lose in classic fashion. If Quentin Tarrantino made a film about what it is like to be a Vikings fan, Week 1 could have been it. It took four full hours (on a 70 and sunny day outside), and they kept sucking you back in only to get burned by a flamethrower as time expired.
Of course, real Viking fans saw it coming a mile away. It was too obvious. It’s the classic fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The Vikes probably knocked millions of people out of suicide pools across the country. But those of us that know, would have never expected a win in this situation. Instead we lost this layup of a game, and mark my words—we will go out and trounce Arizona next week to completely mess with all of our spinning heads.
Not only did we lose week one, but we lost it in such classic Viking fashion. Falling behind early, only to suck us back in with a dramatic comeback. Before pushing it to overtime with a killer two-minute drill and clutch 52-yard kick to tie the game and get us all to believe again. Then taking it into field goal territory setting up for the win, only to fumble it (without even actually fumbling it). I mean we all know Cook’s butt was down when he fumbled, but of course they find a way to do it in a pile where there is no conclusive evidence either way. Leaving it so Vikings fans can’t even be fully enraged because the video wasn’t 100%.
Being a Viking fan is like having a drug addict family member that keeps wanting to borrow money. And even though we know they are just going to use it buy drugs again, we give in because they promise it’s going to be different this time. We keep falling for it. Yes, we are Pinkman’s parents. We hope the Vikings will find their way, while hating being a sucker over and over again.
D-BACKS PLAYING DEAD
It wasn’t much fun watching Bashaud Breeland chasing Ja’Marr Chase all day. Is there anything worse than someone doing the fake injury after getting burned? Breeland’s acting skills weren’t nearly as good as Jefferson’s earlier star turn in The Quarterback. And you couldn’t have found a better image than Breeland laying on the ground like a dead man as Chase did the Gritty on top of his grave.
SACKS ARE BACK, AND THE HITMAN NEVER LEFT
It was great to see Danielle Hunter playing and getting a sack. The defense had five sacks overall which is a nice day. Unfortunately, our defensive backfield a mess again this year. I swear at one point late in the game one of our D-backs intercepted the ball only to hand it back to the Cincinnati receiver, “Oh, I think this was maybe intended for you.” Harrison Smith, fresh off his new big contract, seemed like the only person back there hitting people.
ENOUGH YELLOW FLAGS TO ALMOST WRECK THE COLOR YELLOW
The Vikings took a whopping twelve penalties in Week 1. It was extraordinary. There was so much yellow on the field, that it almost tarnished Adam Thielen’s yellow gloves. With all the penalties “YELLOW BAD!” kept creeping into Vikings’ fans brains until “Hooked on a Thielen” managed to catch a couple touchdowns in his iconic yellow gloves to restore order.
QUEEN CITY CROWDS
Are Covid crowds still a thing, or does Cincinnati have the worst fan base ever? The game was so quiet I could hear the stadium announcer in the background the entire time. It was like watching golf, and not a major. Later, when I turned on the Cleveland vs. Kansas City game, I could barely hear Romo calling the game over the crowd noise as I walked around listening on my phone.
CHALK IT UP TO PRESEASON GAME 4
On the bright side, this was essentially game four of the pre-season, and the usual sixteen game season really starts this week. With the entire NFC North losing, you could look at as if the Vikings still have a chance to win sixteen games in the regular season. Or plenty more time for them to bend our spines into question marks, and make us all a few inches shorter.
