We had the world by the balls. A tiger by the tail. Everything was possible. There had been such an outpouring of purple love because of Kirk Cousins putting out the Ned Flanders’ vibes on Netflix’s Quarterback all summer, that even my wife said, “He’s just such a great guy” as we caught a glimpse of Cousins doing his “aww shucks” on the CBS pregame yesterday. Hell, I had even taken the time to dress our yard flamingos in purple.

But in the end, Kirk’s wife Julie would have her way. She was probably laying out Kirk’s Week 1 game-day outfit on the floor of the bedroom and realized the Hulk Hogan handlebar mustache Kirk had been growing would seriously clash with the simple black and white golf shirt she had picked out for him.

Which begs more questions. Did Kirk grow the training camp handlebar mustache as an act of defiance? Was it a cry for help? And more importantly, what would Kirk dress like if he was able to express himself and make all of his own decisions? Because clearly the handlebar mustache was a great start.

We were so close. All that needed to happen for the Vikings to have an amazing season this year was for Kirk to show up Week 1 with that damn handlebar mustache ready to play, for real. Nothing ironic about it. We would have been unstoppable. I’m not saying we for sure would have won the Super Bowl, but we for sure would have at least made it to the Super Bowl and lost (seems a fitting tribute to Bud Grant). Because Hulk Hogan did a lot of things in his life as he pioneered the handlebar mustache. But you know what he didn’t do? Lose.

Kirk’s Hulkster stache was basically a feather boa made of whiskers that had been marinated in happiness, and freedom. All of that Neflix goodwill was crammed in there, you could tell because the bottom of Kirk’s handlebars sort of bulged out. Had our Boy Scout Leader of a quarterback rolled out Week 1 to play with the Hulkster stache, it would have signaled to the Purple’s fan base that all bets were off. And that things were about to get weird. Because you know who doesn’t lose to Baker Mayfield, Hulk Hogan that’s who. Everything would have been fine, probably forever.

But Kirk shaved. And we lost. And by the end of the afternoon, even my wife had forgotten all the goodwill that was promptly rinsed down Kirk’s sink, “Why do you waste your time, when you know what’s going to happen? They’re just going to let you down.”

But this is SKÖLIOSIS, where we already know being a Vikings fan is detrimental to your health. And we’re here to help, to process, and to move forward. So, besides Kirk shaving his handlebar mustache and ruining everything, here are the other things we learned this week:

Mattison Feels Like the Runt of The Litter

What is it about Alexander Mattison that makes you feel like he’s trying really hard, but you feel more sorry for him than impressed by him? Maybe it’s the similar dreadlocks, but Mattison almost feels like Dalvin Cook’s little brother, that we tolerate playing in the big kid neighborhood pick-up game. Mattison is like the runt of the litter, fighting for every yard. But if Dalvin was our real Darth Vader, there’s something about Mattison that makes him feel like a kid in a cheap Stars Wars knockoff helmet, talking into a fan so his voice can sound like Darth Vader.

Did We Somehow Open a Gopher Vortex?

While the college team down the road certainly shouldn’t have any impact on our pro team, it was hard not to call to mind the ugly 13-10 win the Golden Gophers had over the Nebraska Cornhuskers for their first game of the season. It was a dog fight, an early season game that mostly looked like two bad teams playing sloppy football with neither of them all that interested in winning. And then a funny thing happened, the Gophers found a way. They stole the game, and a couple weeks later they’ve learned how to run the ball and their undefeated season looks to be in fine shape. All because they knew the adage, “There’s no such thing as an ugly W.”

The Vikings had a similar dog fight on their hands with the Bucs on Sunday, only they couldn’t find a way to get it done. And part of the reason was Tampa Bay safety, and former Gopher, Antoine Winfield Jr. consistently blowing us up throughout the game. Is it possible this Vikings inadvertently opened a Gopher Vortex for this season, and the two teams are inextricably linked like an episode of Black Mirror? It does seem possible; Bud Grant did play for the Gophers after all. Perhaps the jersey patched someone scrambled the two worlds?

The Gopher Vortex could be real. We heard that Coach O’Connell used to have a standing lunch with Coach Grant. Could those visits to the Lion’s Tap (that where we’re picturing these man-date meeting of the minds taking place) somehow have been the reason that Bud Grant day at U.S. Bank quickly turned into a Bud Light bummer? And wait a minute, Kid Rock has the exact same handlebar mustache that Kirk had . . .

Let’s Not Screw Around With J.J.

We would have all wasted our entire Sunday afternoons, were it not for Justin Jefferson’s blindside tackle on the interception. The violence, the simmering unresolved contract rage. It was a thing of beauty, more like a hockey hit than a football hit. And a playoff hockey hit to be sure. Someplace Matthew Tkachuck was chewing on his mouthguard and smiling watching an elite wide receiver turn assassin.

There’s a lesson in here somewhere. It goes like this. Let’s not mess around with Justin “JJ2K” Jefferson, okay? Go ahead and mess around with Kirk and his contract, that’s fine. Most of us aren’t even comfortable with Cousins manning the barbecue grill, let alone our football team. So, if you’re going to play chicken with someone, do it with the guy who just shaved off the handlebars Vikings fans needed to finally get a firm grip on the Lombardi trophy. Mess with Kirk, but let’s take care of J.J.

The thing with Jefferson, is you’re never really out of it. JJ2K had 130 yards in the first half before we forgot about him! J.J.’s pregame tunnel walk interview in the white sweater with stained glass cut-outs, chains, and sunglasses—was legendary. Not to mention the shots of his on-the-field warmup in the vintage Bud Grant t-shirt. Sure, Jordan Addison has that wide receiver new car smell, but Jefferson is our guy if we’re going to make it go this year.

That hit JJ2K laid after the interception tells you everything you need to know about him. He’s a stud, and he’s a winner. And if the Vikings are finally evolving from a Love Boat on Minnetonka to an airplane—Justin Jefferson is the black box to be protected at all costs. So, let’s do ourselves a favor and keep this guy happy, and get him paid. A lot. Soon.

When You Have a Defense It’s Badass

Lastly, while the Vikings did lose to a terrible team. And this needs to be said, that loss could really jeopardize our season. And to be clear, we lost to Baker Mayfield. We lost to a running back (Rachaad White) who might be 80% torso. It’s like the football gods created a player that would be easy for people to tackle. And he was the starting running back for the Bucs yesterday. The Bucs that just beat our Vikes.

But there were moments where even though we were playing the Bucs and Baker, that you thought, hmmm. . . I feel you Brian Flores. You saw him in his cool hat with his clipboard in front of his mouth. You found yourself thinking of Mike Tomlin, and just how cool it is to have some semblance of a defense to keep you in it. And while we’re probably not sure about this defense yet, we did lose to the Bucs. There were some glimmers that Flores will get these guys motivated. I mean, we know Flores isn’t afraid of anyone. This dude sued the NFL, and he still has a job. Baller.

So, What Does It All Mean?

In a nutshell, the Vikes lost a game they had no business losing yesterday. So now they need to win a game they have no business winning to get back on track. Sounds a little bit like Philadelphia on Thursday night.

How quick can Kirk grow that mustache back!?

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