SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 12—Ignorance Is Bliss— Chicago 12 Minnesota 10
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
We should have probably asked ourselves how a journeyman quarterback, who had been with his new team for only a few days, could possibly have gone on such an improbable win streak in the first place.
It was only a matter of time until the smartest quarterback on the planet, aerospace engineer Josh Dobbs, started asking questions and learning names.
Shame on us. This is the State of Hockey. The first rule when you have a hot goalie, is you don’t talk to the goalie.
The problem was that Dobbs was too smart. Sure, it took a few weeks, but we can picture Dobbs sitting in front of a Good Will Hunting style equation filling the entire whiteboard at the Vikings practice facility. He definitely started asking questions . . .
“Wait, why do we do it this way again?”
“So, Minnesota has all these crazy fans, but they’ve never won a Super Bowl? My research indicates they’ve lost 4 of them?”
“What happened last year with the magical season, and the 11-0 in one score games, improbably comebacks? The data doesn’t compute. And then you lost to the Giants?
“Who are the weeping blondes?”
“You’re saying Gary Anderson never missed a kick the ENTIRE season?”
“See why would Favre throw across his body in that situation?”
“What was the deal with the chains again?”
“Hey Siri, tell me about the winning tradition of the Vikings.”
“So, you called it the Minneapolis Miracle, but in the end no one was saved?”
“Everyone knows you can only have eleven men in the huddle, can you take me through the thinking to go with twelve in that situation?”
“Wait, he took a knee?”
“So this Tommy Kramer, was he really drunk when he played?”
“Tell me more about the Herschel Walker trade. My initial analysis shows that it was out of balance.”
We should have known. The Dobby Lama doesn’t need answers. He doesn’t need to know his teammates names. We should have left well enough alone.
IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
Instead, we looked a gift horse in the mouth. And over these last few weeks Dobb’s had time to learn the offense, who and what we are, and our general Minnesota Sports-ness has rubbed off on the young man. That’s right, he got too close and ended up with some Vikings on him.
In the end, Dobbs was just too smart for his own good. He had to crack open the book, when he should have just channeled his Johnny Manziel and rode the wave. We were all riding the wave!
Certainly, Coach O’Connell could have cracked open the back of Dobbs’ bald head and just put the young man on airplane mode for a few more weeks. Would that have been too much to ask?!
Instead, not only did we talk to the goalie. We said the word “shutout” out loud, or at least the football version. Sadly, Dobbs learned he was on a heater, and a very unlikely sell-the-script-to-Netflix 5-game winning streak. He found out his center’s name was Garrett. It was only a matter of time.
Maybe it’s appropriate that it’s the bye week when we may be saying bye bye to our beloved Passtronaut, as Mr. Dobbs found gravity with an astonishing 4 interceptions against the Bears.
After the bye week it’s Viva Las Vegas! And no one knows for sure what cards the Vikings will have up their sleeve in Sin City. Who will our starting quarterback be? How will Justin “JJ2K” Jefferson assimilate back into the offense?
What we do know is the Vikings aren’t done messing with us. Vikings fans should all have to wear orange jumpsuits, because this franchise doesn’t wound, it tortures.
Which means there will be more good before the really, really bad arrives. We will rise up and win some games against mediocre teams (Vegas, and the Burrow-less Begals).
And then it will come. Two games against Detroit, with a slab of Packer deli meat in the middle of the NFC North sandwich to end the regular season. Only then will we look down to realize that not only are our hands cuffed behind our back, but wait, what’s that smell . . .is that gasoline? And who is that guy doing push-ups across the way in the cave? Is that Lions coach Dan Campbell? Wait, what is he doing now? Why is he smoking a cigarette? He looks too fit for this habit? Oh no, he just dropped the match on the ground . . .
It's coming folks. Brace yourself. Because if we know one thing about being a Vikings fan, it’s never easy.
Whether it’s a Motown Mauling or a Border Battle that does us in, we aren’t leaving this season with any of our fingernails left. And we won’t be biting them, they’ll be torn off. We can see the car battery and the nipple clamps from here!
All because we couldn’t let it be. Someone had to give our beautiful golden child, the Dobby Lama, a playbook. Someone had to put out their hand and say, “Hi, I’m Garrett.” Someone had to spill a little Purple on him.
We couldn’t leave well enough alone.
Shame on us. We knew better. Ignorance is bliss.
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