We were good, we were (Purple and) gold

Kind of dream that can’t be sold

We were right, ‘til we weren’t

Built a home and watched it burn

- Miley Cyrus

Welp, Welcome to Minnesota, Brian Flores.

We hope you are prepared to buy your own flowers and know how to write your name in the sand. That you can take yourself dancing and hold your own hand. Because if you haven’t figured it out yet, you’re going to need to learn to love yourself better than the Purple can.

Yep, loving the purple is hard. This is why Sköliosis exists in the first place. Think of these weekly columns as an online support group where we work together through our pain from a toxic one-way relationship that will never love us back. It’s a safe place where we can bare our souls across a virtual circle of folding chairs and hug each other with a little attempted humor and levity when times get particularly tough. Well let’s start sliding our chairs back to expand the circle because it appears we may be adding a lot of new members to our purple pain club this year.

Defense 2.0

But first, let’s all give a warm welcome to the newest member of those abused by the Purple, Brian Flores. It’s hard to know if Brian is here by choice, or perhaps as part of a pseudo-NFL court mandated penance because of his lawsuit against his employer. Either way, it’s safe to assume after an ugly 0-2 start in which the offense and their - 6 turnover margin have done his 2.0 Defense zero favors, Coach Flores needs our support.

Speaking of a 2.0 Defense, is Flores literally building it with 2.0 people? We have noticed a lot of Juniors and II’s on this rebuilt Vikings Defense. Ivan Pace Junior, Byron Murphy Junior, Andrew Booth Junior, Junior Aho, Brian Asamoah II, Pat Jones II, Andre Carter II. That’s a lot of namesakes. Maybe we need another support group for Vikings parents with lack of naming creativity.

Two weeks into the season, the jury is still out on how improved the 2.0 Defense will be, but returning to Philadelphia for week 2 seemed an appropriate place for Flores to plead his case. Not because it’s the birthplace of our constitution and legal system, or the namesake of the courtroom movie starring Denzel Washington and Tom Hanks, but because it’s the same city one year ago where we learned our 2022 Ed Donatell defense sucked and was in desperate need of an overhaul. You may have tried to block it out, but if you’re a Vikings fan the two words “Shell Defense” should be triggering reminding you of watching the Eagles methodically move the ball downfield in large chunk plays repeatedly for 3 hours last season.

Last Thursday the Eagles looked to be off and running again with some early chunk plays, before Flores’ defense settled in and began to shut them down. Flores and his bend don’t break defense, eventually had the Eagles switching tactics to their Tecmo cheat code run game that apparently the NFL briefly considered changing the rules for because it seemed too unfair. Multiple times on Thursday the Eagles lined up in some sort of pigskin version of Tetris formation putting a bunch of guys directly behind Hurts and together they all push him and the ball across the line. This short yardage creativity is so unstoppable, it makes you wonder how long it will be before the Eagles employ a dwarf or small child to hand the ball to and then have their linemen catapult the little person over the line to gain? It’s a slippery slope, like the 800-pound sumo wrestler goalie in the NHL stacking their pads (and folds) in front of the net. Would a league rules committee overrule moves like this? We’ve always wondered, but for now short-yardage Jalen Hurts Tetris can literally not be stopped.

While Flores couldn’t quite crack a way to completely stop the Eagles Tecmo play calling, he was able to slow them down enough that all our offense needed to do was NOT shoot themselves in the foot. Which of course is exactly what they ended up doing, with mind boggling turnover after turnover. The assault of costly turnovers could have lesser conspiracy theorists wondering if some shady NFL executives in trench coats were accosting some of our offensive players in dark parking ramps and passing them manilla envelopes with blackmail photos, encouraging timely fumbles as part of their plan to take down Flores before he can take them down in court.

I mean, do we REALLY think Baker Mayfield cracked our defensive signals on his own last week? Or more likely did the NFL start employing Willy Wonka’s Arthur Slugworth to whisper secrets into Baker’s ear heading into the tunnel at halftime?

Color us suspicious here at Sköliosis. While the final score didn’t show it, Flores defense looked improved, despite fighting an uphill battle the entire game.

What About Cousins?

One Vikings player we would like to say we are NOT worried about, is Kirk Cousins, who at least statistically is off to a stellar start. Sure, Kirk had his share of turnovers singlehandedly in week 1, but in week 2 he threw for an impressive 360 yard with 4 TDs. In fact, Kirk is on pace this season for 6,018 yards, 51 TDs, 9 INTs and an 0-17 record. Not bad for a guy playing with a makeshift offensive line, new center and a backup left tackle whose name appears to look a lot like Uh-Oh as defensive tackle after defensive tackle continue to blow right past him.

But we’d be lying if we said we aren’t worried about Kirk. Not his play exactly, which appears be going to another level in year 2 of coach O’Connell’s system. More so we are worried about his physical and mental health.

Perhaps it’s because we all grew attached to him after watching Quarterback on Netflix. Or perhaps because Quarterback showed us how much hard work Kirk and the team put into cobbling him back together each week before each game, like a purple humpty dumpty. 50-degree cold plunge pools, grimacing deep tissue massages over purple and yellow full body bruises, chiropractic adjustments, and perhaps most notably his “brain reprograming” neurofeedback training.

Is this another crazy experiment from our crazy purple mad scientist, team Doctor J. Chris Coetzee? Is Kirk having random nose bleeds after big plays? Does the team doctor leave Eggo waffles for Kirk in his locker after the game? Does this explain why Kirk is always holding his head like he is struggling with migraines or panic attacks?

The whole thing has a Bourne Identity experiment vibe to it, and while we can’t argue with the current results, we are still worried about Kirk and covering his ears as every play call comes in doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. It doesn’t feel very alpha. Sometimes it seems like Kevin O’Connell and Dr. Coetzee have Kirk reluctantly tied up to the front of this Viking ship, with his life preserver under his jersey, yelling out “I’m Quarterbacking, I’m a Quarterback!!”

The current Kirk situation seems like its ending one of two ways. With a What About Bob? style breakthrough, Kirk taking “baby steps” out of his old OCD agoraphobic ways on his way to becoming a Super Bowl Winner. Or Kirk exploding people that anger him using only his mind. Which funny enough could explain another moment in Netflix’s Quarterback when Kirk is speaking with a slightly elevated voice and Coach K is admonishing Kirk, telling him he “needs to calm down.” Does Coach Kevin know Kirk is a ticking time bomb?

Like we said. We are a little worried about Kirk. Any starting quarterback in the NFL that plays all their games with a life jacket under their jersey, is clearly crying for help. Right?

Does K.J. Osborn not wipe his butt?

Another guy we are a little worried about is K.J. Osborn. Is he not showering? Does he not wipe his butt? Does someone need to speak to him about his hygiene? On at least two occasions Thursday K.J. was WIDE OPEN. We mean as in no one was covering him. No one within 25 yards it seemed in any direction. Is it because he smells bad, and nobody wants to get close to him? Or was it an Eagle strategy to just get into K.J.’s head and make him start questioning his existence. K.J. is probably already having identity issues with the addition of rookie Jordan Addison leap frogging him in the depth chart, so perhaps a team treating him as invisible just played right into his deepest insecurities. It seemed to work as while K.J. had two uncontested wide-open catches including one for a TD, he also dropped two passes right in his hands. Almost like he was confused if Kirk meant to throw to him and could actually see him. Just know that WE SEE YOU K.J. We see you.

It Seems Like We’re Going to Miss Dalvin.

We all had high hopes for Dalvin Cook’s sous chef, Alexander Mattison. But early on, he’s been a nothing burger out there. At one point on a group text Thursday night, someone asked if it was Mattison that had once starred in the Metallica video for their song “One.” And while you can’t tell from his stats, it does appear that Mattison does have two arms and two legs, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for him to start learning how to do morse code with his head. As long as Kirk can cover his ear holes well enough to hear the beats.

Shooting the Moon

With an 0-2 start, many Viking fans are already wondering if the Vikings are tanking for USC Star QB Caleb Williams, whom many consider the next Patrick Mahomes. Which would be a little like Shooting the Moon in the game of Hearts. Hearts is the rare card game where you try NOT to get points in a hand. However, if you get all 26 points in the hand, meaning collecting every single Heart and the Queen of Spades, then everyone else gets 26 points while you get zero points. Sort of an art of being so bad your good, which usually involves tricking people into thinking you are just bad, until at some point they catch on what you are trying to do and try to stop you.

Could shooting the moon be the Vikings strategy for 2023?

Caleb does look pretty damn good in purple. But if shooting the moon is the plan, strap in for a long painful season.

And know that we’ll have plenty of folding chairs available for you here if you need us.

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