If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the loyal readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.

Let’s be honest, you could make the case that the Minnesota Vikings are the hardest sports team on the planet to root for. Why? For starters, they’ve never got the job done. Hell, Surly is selling a beer called Before I Die… not a great sign that this is going to be an easy ride.

And when the Vikings lose, they don’t just lose once on Sunday. They might lose the game 15 times in one sitting. Take yesterday as an example. How many times did you think we were dead? Only to have San Diego head coach Brandon Staley make boneheaded after boneheaded decision, poor clock management, and there we are again damn near in the red zone with a chance to pull victory out of the jaws of defeat. Until we didn’t.

It’s almost Shakespearean the levels of losing with this team. The Vikings don’t don’t just lose, they hang around for 4.5 hours until everyone drinks the poison. It’s the worst. Like for real, the worst.

What did we learn yesterday? A few things:

KIRK CAN’T BE TRUSTED WITH THE NUCLEAR CODES

You know how when someone is running for President, they basically ask the people two questions:

Would you want to drink a beer with this candidate?

Would you trust this person with the nuclear codes?

#1 is all about likeability. It’s the reason Al Gore will wear cowboy boots (probably for the first time) on the campaign trail, and photos and video of Presidential candidates tossing a football or throwing out the first pitch at the ballgame can win or lose elections.

We here at Pulltab Sports believe our quarterbacks should be held to the same standards as our Presidents. Which is why you should ask yourself if you’d want to have a beer with Kirk Cousins? We don’t think so. Despite the KFC commercials and star turn on Netflix Quarterback, isn’t there something, or a lot of things, about Kirk that make you think you wouldn’t want him sitting next to you at the high-top table at your favorite watering hole?

Certainly, Kirk has put up gaudy stats this season: in just 3 games he’s already thrown for over 1,000 yards, 9 touchdowns, and has a white hot QB rating of 108.2.

But would you want Kirk to have the nuclear codes? Would you want him to be holding that nuclear briefcase, more often referred to as “the football” when it matters most?

The end of yesterday’s game should be proof enough that Kirk isn’t up to the task. Here we had a veteran quarterback at the end of a game with a chance to win, and all he had to do was spike the ball and we would have had 2-3 chances to win. Instead, he rushed up to the line, grossly mismanaged the clock, and a rushed play call ended with a Chargers interception to end the game.

We’ve since learned that Kirk and head coach Kevin O’Connell were having trouble hearing each other, which isn’t a surprise because if you were going to create a Kirk Cousins’ logo it would almost certainly be him holding his hands over his ears.

But after 12 years in the National Football League, wouldn’t you think your veteran quarterback would know to clock the ball in that situation, let the offense breath, and give us a few chances to get it right?

While listening to the Pardon My Take pod this morning, they worked a YOU SPIKE THAT! YOU SPIKE THAT! reference into their fastest 2-minutes segment. I found myself chuckling on the elliptical, because it’s mind-blowing that Kirk doesn’t spike the ball in that situation even without being able to hear the play call.

It’s never a good sign when everyone at the bar where you’re watching the game is one step ahead of your quarterback. There was a guy at the bar yesterday that had biked over to watch the game. He looked so rugged that if you put him in a bathtub, I’m pretty sure all of the water would have turned brown. And even he knew that you have to spike the ball right there.

In summary, despite the gaudy stats, our quarterback isn’t someone you would want to clink beer glasses with, and you sure as hell wouldn’t want him to be holding the nuclear football, orr any football when things are really on the line. Kirk Cousins can’t be trusted when it counts, and when you’re a quarterback in the NFL, well, that’s the only time that matters.

LET’S GET SERIOUS ABOUT THE TANK

If you’ve had the pleasure of watching Heisman trophy winner, Caleb Williams, play quarterback for the USC Trojans—it’s seems this guy is a talent worth tanking for. Dare I say it, he’ll remind you a little bit of the other guy on Netflix’s Quarterback, none other than Patrick Lavon Mahomes II. He even does the pigeon-toed walk to the sidelines where the 4K camera makes you think he might have a little gut on him, but it doesn’t even matter because someone made this guy in a test tube to be a franchise changing quarterback.

Of course, not all stud prospects (see Justin Fields) turn out to be the real deal when they go pro. But after an 0-3 start, we’re advocating for an unapologetic Vikings tank job to get a crack at this kid. And let’s be obvious about it.

We can start with a 3-team trade. We send Cousins and his great-statistics-when-it-doesn’t-matter to the New York Jets. The Jets give us a draft pick to pick up the last year of Kirk’s massive contract, and let’s somehow involve the Jacksonville Jaguars because we need to also add TANK Bigsby to our roster, so everyone knows we’re shooting the moon.

Actually, let’s go one step further. In a world of massive NIL money, can we get the CW to broadcast the rest of the Vikings season so that C-aleb W-illiams knows no one is gunning for his services more than the Vikes. This needs to happen.

REGRESSING TO THE MEAN

The thing about being a Vikings fan is you always have hope. What we’re advocating for here is to take that hope for the 2023 season, put it in a box, soak it in water or maybe even pee on it so you don’t think about digging it up, and bury it about six feet underground.

Al Michaels alluded to the Vikings “regressing to the mean,” and it would appear that we might be headed to a 4-13 season where we lose about a dozen one score games. It’s almost like we’re being punished for what we got away with last year. It’s a Bizarro season in the making, and the sooner we embrace it deciding to shoot the moon, unloading Kirk, and tanking for the CW (Caleb Williams) the better.

You could call it the nuclear option.