SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 6 — Of Course The Vikings Will Start Winning So They Can Inflict More Pain— Vikings 19 Bears 13
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Around the start of the football season, we were given some metal flamingo yard statues. I’m not sure why this was even a gift, but after I stopped worrying if the flamingos were a secret signal that my wife and I were swingers, I ended up embracing the pink birds.
I embraced our yard flamingos to the point that I tossed Vikings jerseys on them at the start of the season. I had big plans to switch out their outfits, to keep things topical. You know, maybe, switch to Twins jerseys for the playoff push, Halloween and Christmas outfits, this sort of deal.
Well, two things happened:
1) Surprise, surprise… I never got around to making a full schedule with wardrobe changes for the flamingos.
2) The metal hooks to help the flamingos stand up haven’t been working, so I’ve had two dead flamingos in Vikings jerseys laying on the side of my house for most of the year. Which seemed oddly appropriate for how the season was going.
This week, right after the Vikings victory against the Bears, I noticed that the flamingos were upright again. My wife must have moved them onto our back patio. They’re just standing there, chest out, they actually look pretty good. They were exuding a quiet confidence.
Which makes sense. Because of course the Vikings are going to start winning now. Here at Sköliosis, we know that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health. So, naturally the Vikings wouldn’t just tank the season to put them in position to draft Caleb Williams who would reunite with his USC buddy Jordan Addison and a healthy Justin Jefferson, setting up the franchise for the next fifteen years.
No, that’s not how the Purple rolls.
If we’ve learned one thing as Vikings fans, we know it’s never going to be easy. Which is why despite all of the conspiracy theory videos on the Internet claiming the Vikings are masterminding a tank for “The CW,” it’s not going to happen. The Vikes would never let us off that easy.
No, being a Vikings fan is like Chinese water torture. You’re not actually drowning; it just feels like it. Which is why the Vikings would never let us out of the dungeon where they’ve been blasting heavy metal music as we lay on the floor.
No one punishes a fan base like the Minnesota Vikings. Which is why this team is about to heat up, like really heat up. Before the Bears game, someone at Pulltab Sports predicted the Vikings would win their next five in a row. Now that person didn’t put this bold prediction in their weekly Vikings column, but they did predict it.
The Pulltab Sports Vikings podcast, VikesVerified, echoed this sentiment stating once we get past a banged-up San Francisco team, that “the next six games are favorable.” Yeah, that sounds about right.
Somehow, we’re going to bling and the Vikings are going to be 8-5 and flirting with the playoffs.
Of course, we’re going to string together a bunch of victories when we probably shouldn’t. Of course, we’re going to win because it will make it hurt even more when the Vikings inevitably do Vikings type things down the stretch.
Don’t be surprised if it starts tonight, and the Vikings utilize the Bill Simmons’ “Ewing Theory” to somehow play even better when their star player Justin Jefferson is out of the game and upset the 49ers. We can see it. We beat San Fran and start to string together victories heading toward Thanksgiving. Kirk might even get loose on an airplane at some point, who knows.
Why is this going to happen? Why are the Vikings going to string together a bunch of wins when maybe they should be tanking?
Because it will hurt more.
Circle these two dates on your calendar:
1) December 24th at home against the Lions.
2) January 7th on the road against the Lions.
Mark our words, somehow these two games are going to end up being a double feature of Motown misery for Vikings fans. The Vikings will crawl their way back into contention, stringing together a bunch of victories. Jefferson will come back, we’ll all be feeling ourselves.
And then it’s going to happen, like it always does. Remember when Siegfried and Roy were attacked by the tiger? Well, that’s what Christmas Eve is going to feel like for Vikings fans. Or, maybe, in true Vikings fashion we’ll actually win the first game against the Lions so we can drag out the misery all the way to the final game. More pain this way. More punishment.
It’s going to happen. The Vikings are about to get red hot. Kirktober’s under-jersey lifejacket is once again going to be a floatation device, the team is going to rally around the Jefferson void, and we’re going to win a whole bunch of games.
Why?
Because we probably shouldn’t. And because it will hurt more that way.
So go get yourself some sequin outfits and a few cans of hairspray, because the end of the year is going to look a lot like the Siegfried and Roy mauling of 20 years ago. Except it will be the Lions getting us, not a tiger.
It’s going to tear apart families, as the Vikings rise up only to set up their fanbase for a Motown Mauling that will leave us all without a face. It’s going to be gruesome. But we are Vikings fans, so we might as well keep some raw meat in the fridge and enjoy the ride.
Because the Vikings may not be the king of the jungle, but they are the kings of pain.
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