SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 8 — Hall Pass or Dobber? — Vikings 24 Packers 10
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Of course, Kirk Cousins had to get hurt. We were just starting to like him. We had the summer of Kirk with Netflix’s Quarterback, and then POP! Goes the Achilles. This is what it’s like to be a Vikings fan, we can’t have nice things.
So, where do we go from here? The Vikings added a quarterback at the deadline, Arizona’s Josh Dobbs. And we have our young rookie from BYU, Mr. Jaren Hall.
This puts us as Vikings fans at what we call a quarterback crossroads. Do we Hall Pass or do We Dobber?
Because we are not journalists here at Pulltab Sports, we looked in two places to help us make this critical decision: each player’s Wikipedia page, and Instagram.
But first, let’s consider the real situation here. The quarterback of your favorite NFL team is, in human terms, like your wife. He’s your most important player, he makes it all happen for your favorite team. Happy wife, happy life.
To extend the metaphor even further, having your team’s quarterback tear his Achilles, is like your wife dying, or at least going into a coma. It forces you to make an important decision about how to live the rest of your life—or at least the rest of the season.
To Hall Pass or to Dobber? Let’s dig into this critical juncture, shall we:
Option 1—HALL PASS
Okay, let’s take this literally. If the Purple stick with the rookie, we’re probably giving up on the season unless he pulls a Brock Purdy for us. This is truly like your QB wife, giving you a Hall Pass to maybe flirt or date other teams for the rest of the season. But before we make this drastic decision, let’s dig into Mr. Hall’s Wiki and Instagram like the proper non-journalists we are.
Jaren Hall’s Wiki doesn’t tell us a whole lot, but there are some nuggets:
By all accounts, Hall was a high school stud at Maple Mountain High School in Spanish Fork, Utah. He had over 5,000 passing yards there, tossing 52 touchdowns. Also, Maple Mountain High School in Spanish Fork seems like the titles of about 6 Willie Nelson songs all jammed together which is super cool.
At BYU, Hall was a backup to Zach Wilson. In the weird Aaron Rodgers Kirk Cousins Achilles vortex we’re living in, this seems like a strike against him.
Hall was a multi-sport athlete at BYU, also playing on the baseball team for 2 years.
It looks like Hall can run the ball, with a career high of 378 yards rushing his last season at BYU.
Hall also went on a 2-year mission trip before enrolling at BYU. But remember, Mormons can be rock stars… just ask Mr. Brightside himself, lead singer of the Killers Brandon Flowers.
Jaren Hall’s Instagram is also pretty straight across the plate. Here is what we can deduce:
Dude is a big man. Lots of photos of a large human being that can play the most important position. If Kirk was wearing a lifejacket under his jersey, Hall looks like an Under Armor mannequin all on his own.
Hall seems to be a nice guy cut from the Kirk Cousins’ cloth. His Instagram bio reads KINDNESS COUNTS with a smiley face. I mean come on. Amazing.
He’s a family man. Damn, all we need is a quick shopping trip to Kohl’s, and we have our next Kirk.
OR DO WE DOBBER?
Josh Dobbs Wikipedia gives us a glimpse into this young man:
He is a bookworm. Dobbs majored in aerospace engineering at Tennessee and won an award for his academic achievements.
Dobbs has alopecia areata, an autoimmune disease that causes hair loss.
Dobbs has been a starter in the NFL, most recently for the Cardinals.
Dobbs also brings a run option. He had 258 yards on the ground for the Cardinals this season.
Okay, let’s take a look at Dobbs’ Instagram:
The Dobber’s Insta bio reads: “Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.” He also appears to refer to himself as QB Astro (trademarked even). Lots of use of the rocket emoji, which makes sense now that you know he was an aerospace engineering major. You’re welcome.
He’s quite the clothes horse — with lots of great gameday fits for the tunnel walk.
He did play at Tennessee, so while Taylor Swift might have skipped the US Bank game, maybe we could get a Morgan Wallen sighting.
He loves space. Like a lot.
Now that we have enough info, it’s time to make a decision:
We’re going to go with the rookie. We’re going to take our Hall Pass. Why? Because it allows us to root for the unbottled promise of youth. And by all accounts, Jaren Hall is just Josh Dobbs only 5 years ago. He’s the newer model. So why not go with the iPhone 15? It’s Titanium!
Plus, if we root for the rookie, we also get to use our Hall Pass on another team because it’s basically the Vikings (remember our QB wife is in a that pesky coma) saying they’re giving up on the season… or maybe the rookie catches fire, and we go on a run.
Simply put, Hall Pass is betting to win while going with Dobbs seems like we’re protecting ourselves from losing.
Now about that Hall Pass. With our QB wife in a hospital bed for the foreseeable future, it’s time to use our Hall Pass to see other teams this season. Here are the best surrogate replacement candidates as assembled by the experts at Pulltab Sports:
Bills
Perhaps the most obvious choice is to dive into another franchise steeped in misery. This is basically like going with your wife’s twin sister while she’s in the coma. Plus, we know the ending will likely be the same as the Vikings. The pain will be both familiar, and somehow comforting.
Jets
Similarly, we could go with the Jets. And if Rodgers comes back from his Achilles injury, we could maybe justify that the ending of the Jets season is somehow the ending of the Vikings season too. I’m not sure how this works, but these two teams seem interconnected on many levels.
Lions
It’s impressive what Detroit is doing this year. And the caravan of fans falling the team from game to game even on the road is impressive. But since they’re in the NFC North, this one is borderline. More like sleeping with your coma wife’s cousin.
Miami
We could just say screw it and go with the hot super model down in Florida. Probably no depth, and it’s superficial. But could be a fun way to finish off the year.
Chargers
Or maybe we go surfer girl and bet on Justin HAIRbert and the Bolts. California feels far enough away to watch the Vikings out of one eye, and the Bolts out of the other.
Jacksonville
Nah, this feels more like dating a hooker. Probably shouldn’t. But their quarterback’s nickname is “Sunshine,” which is the opposite of the storm cloud that has been following Vikings fans around for years. Plus, they play in London a lot, so the Jags are already proven to be in an open relationship.
Indianapolis
You get the great Gardner Minshew here, and his mustache. Plus, Indianapolis sounds like Minneapolis so when our QB wife wakes up from her coma, we can just say we thought it was her.
Those are your options, folks.
Root for the Dobber and hold a bedside vigil for the Vikings. Or bet on the rookie and use your Hall Pass.
We’re going Hall Pass, how about you?
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