MAKE GLOVE NOT W.A.R. — The 2023 Minnesota Twins - Taylor’s Version.

Jun 27

Taylor Swift played on the other end of 6th Street in Minneapolis, but her songs resonate more than ever this summer at Target Field, home of your Fearless first-place Minnesota Twins.

We present to you, the 2023 Minnesota Twins - Taylor’s Version.

Style

You got that long hair, slicked back, white t-shirt

And I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt

And when we go crashing down we come back every time

‘Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of style

No player in baseball has better style especially on top of his head than Twins stud ace Joe Ryan. We’re all that good girl watching him, knowing that if for one inning he lets us down, he’ll do better the next.

Bad Blood

Now we got problems

And I don’t think we can solve ‘em

You made a really deep cut

And baby, now we got bad blood

The Twins’ relationship that seems destined for a…well…pick your Taylor Swift boyfriend split…is Rocco Baldelli and Sonny Gray. Gray complained most of last season that Twins starters weren’t allowed to pitch late enough into games. Given the opportunity this year, he started off with a bang but has been iffy especially in the seventh and later. The pair had a tense discussion in the dugout earlier this month after Rocco took a rather ineffective Gray out after four innings.

Karma

Cause karma is my boyfriend

Karma is a god

Karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend

Karma’s a relaxing thought

If there is any fan base in North America that deserves a break - that deserves a karma championship - it’s the greater Minnesota area. Fifty straight playoff appearances by a men’s team without a championship? Cleveland could never. Boston could never.

Karma keeps flirting with the state of Minnesota. When will they catch the boy?

Exile

I think I’ve seen this film before

And I didn’t like the ending

You’re not my homeland anymore

So what am I defending now?

Second, third and hundredth chances

Balancing on breaking branches

If there’s the ultimate bad boy this team can’t just fully break it off with it’s Emilio Pagan. Every time he impresses you with three straight scoreless outings, he just implodes, sending Twins lovers down that lonely road of forgiveness again.

Cruel Summer

So cut the headlights, summer’s a knife

I’m always waiting for you just to cut to the bone

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

And if I bleed, you’ll be the last to know

It remains to be seen what kind of summer awaits the Minnesota Twins. But doesn’t the taste of the cruel summer of 2022 still leave some wasabi on your tongue? The AL Central is a flip of a coin, but when the devils rolling the dice…

Back to December

So this is me swallowin’ my pride

Standin’ in front of you sayin’ I’m sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

December was an interesting time in the Twin Cities. We watched Carlos Correa sign with the Giants. We were excited about Luis Arraez’ breakout season, but the emergence of Jose Miranda made him expendable. A month later, Correa was back with the Twins, Arraez in Miami and three months after that, Miranda banished to Triple-A. You have to wonder if we could go back to December, which decisions may be made differently.

You Need to Calm Down

And I ain’t trying to mess with your self expression

But I’ve learned the lesson that stressin’

And obsessin’ ‘bout somebody else is no fun

And snakes and stones never break any bones so

We’ve all got to calm down about MLB umpiring - that includes you, Twins radio man Cory Provus.

Officiating is an atrocity across much of Major League Baseball. As we’ve seen across every other sport (Minnesota loves nothing more than to complain to referees/umpires/anyone with an ounce of authority), it doesn’t work! Unless you are the coach of the Dallas Stars, griping about officials does not a bit of good.

The book is out on Rocco, each member of his coaching staff, and the whole 25-man roster.

Calm down. No one wants that kind of drama in a short-term relationship.

Untouchable

But you’re untouchable, burning brighter than the sun.

It’s about time we consider flamethrower Jhoan Duran among the top three closers in the game. Routinely touching 101, 102 m.p.h. or higher, the only time he gets roughed up is when a hitter just closes his eyes and prays. He’s allowed 15 hits in 31 innings, striking out 42. Duran was great last year, but he’s been an All-Star this year.