The Holiday Shuffle
Tomfoolery.
Stuff you’ll love, as silly as it is. Check out contributor Tommy Lord getting real with random nonsense.
Like Andy Williams said, “It's the holiday season. So, hoop-de-do and dickory dock. I’d rather be hit in the face with a rock.” Maybe those aren’t exactly the words but that’s the feeling many people have during the holidays. From Halloween to Thanksgiving and then Christmas and New Years, it’s everything, everywhere all at once. If we more evenly distribute these following four holidays, perhaps people will be more able to enjoy a balanced and stress-free year.
Thanksgiving
The first holiday we pick to move is Thanksgiving. If we’re just stuffing our pie holes, can’t we do that any day of the year? Most people don’t know that Abe Lincoln designated this holiday as a way to unite the country during the Civil War. Sorry Honest Abe, but when a holiday doesn’t even have specific day, and it’s just some random Thursday in November, well that doesn’t sound honest, that sounds shady A.F. Let’s lock in a specific date, shall we? We’ll keep in in the fall, in fact, we’re picking a day that is more symbolic – the Autumn Equinox, September 22.
Valentines Day
We all know Valentine’s Day was created as a way to sell more Hallmark cards, but who wants to freeze their ass off on a date night in the dead of winter? Going out and celebrating love should bring hot and heavy, sultry vibes. You can’t do that when the only thing rock hard is the icicle on your nose. Besides Cupid’s wearing a damn diaper, he’s going to freeze his little cherup-berries off. Let’s move Valentine’s Day to mid-June so couples can flash some flesh while they’re having outdoor-patio-drink-foreplay.
Halloween
Let’s face it, Halloween is also just too cold. Every year in October, the weather in the Midwest is about 50 degrees. That is until the last week and sure enough on October 31 it’s appropriately colder than a witch’s tit. Let’s do every kid in the northern climates a solid and shift that holiday closer to the start of the month. And wouldn't it be perfect if it landed on the best day ever for Halloween—Friday the 13th? The ultimate spooky combo. You're welcome, Jason Voorhees—time to polish up that goalie mask!
Christmas
Now for the mother, or shall I say heavenly father of all holidays, Christmas. Sorry folks, but Christmas needs to slide out about a month so that we all have something major to look forward to in the dead of winter. Look, Hanukkah’s got it figured out—eight wild nights to celebrate, and it doesn’t get crammed right up against New Year’s Eve. And to all the die-hard Christians out there clutching their pearls over moving the big guy’s birthday, let’s be real—there’s no solid historical or biblical proof of when Jesus was actually born. Historians say the Romans, in their effort to spread Christianity, just mashed Christian holidays with old pagan ones—like the Winter Solstice. Therefore, we think moving Christmas to about January 25th would give people more time to shop, more time party and less time to freak the F out.
Get A Move On
Moving these four holidays helps every month have a solid reason to celebrate. August may not have a specific holiday, but it still allows people to enjoy their summer vacations, cabins and river life. Besides, if Daylight Savings is on the table, why not look at moving some holidays? Let’s do what’s best to enjoy our lives more. That way the winters won’t feel so long, and we’ll get to enjoy each holiday to the fullest.
