MAKE GLOVE NOT W.A.R. —Twins as Classic Rock Songs.
Baseball is a beautiful game, but also a slow game. There’s lots of time to think, especially with MLB having gone gung-ho on replay. Who among us hasn’t thought of the Twins’ roster as classic rock songs? Maybe we’ll come back with the pitching staff as country and western songs…
Miguel Sanó
”Money for Nothin’” by Dire Straits
You don’t need analytics to tell you Miguel Sanó isn’t a starter in the major leagues, at least on a decent team. Sanó began the season with five times as many strikeouts (10) as hits. Sanó’s power is streaky - he hit 30 homers last year - but on this team, you just can’t waste outs waiting for him to find his stroke. As the Dire Straits sing…Money for Nothin’, and the strikeouts are free.
Byron Buxton
”Broken Wings” by Mr. Mister
It took “Buck” all of seven games to limp off the field screaming. He’d had three dongs, too. While the injury isn’t serious, it does make Twins fans wonder, again, about his long term durability and the $100 million he’s set to make over the next seven years. It was, in fact, Buxton that Mr. Mister once sang about, Take these broken wings, And learn to fly again, Learn to live so free.”
Carlos Correa
”Should I Stay or Should I Go” by The Clash
Would a 28-year-old star SS turn down $35.1 million? It would behoove the Twins to be in contention this season and not give Correa that choice. The former Astros star signed that three-year, $105.3 million contract before the start of spring training, but remember he has a player opt out after each of the first two seasons. Despite hitting under .200 the first two weeks of the season, Correa has fit in fine. Should I stay or should I go now? If I go, there will be trouble. And if I stay it will be double.
Alex Kirilloff
”I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2
Kirilloff hit .318 in four seasons in the minors and, yes, was probably rushed into the Twins’ lineup, famously debuting in the outfield in the playoffs against the Astros after playing in AA all season. He had a decent rookie season while playing in 59 games, but the Twins still haven’t found what they’re looking for with this potential stud corner OF.
Jorge Polanco
”Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel
Jorge Polanco is my favorite Twin, probably because by far he is the most underrated player on the roster. Maybe among the most underrated in Twins history, actually. He just shows up, plays the game with passion and goes home. So he’s my version of Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant.” Billy Joel is my favorite mystical artist of all time, and that song is his most underrated, IMO. Also, Polanco just kind of fits in wherever you need him to. He’s a bottle of red AND a bottle of white.
Gary Sanchez
”Bad Reputation” by Joan Jett
Gary has far exceeded at least my expectations for him this year, and perhaps getting out of the big city lights did him some good. Was his reputation really that bad, or did his early success set completely unrealistic expectations for him? And I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. And I'm only doin' good when I'm havin' fun. And I don't have to please no one
Nick Gordon
”You Can’t Hurry Love” (Many musicians, but we’ll keep the classic rock theme with the Stray Cats)
Flash Gordon’s kid (Tom, a former Yankee, BTW) is like Alex Kirilloff in a way. Buxton’s injury last year rushed him to the “bigs”, and he’s played much of his brief 200-plus at bat career out of position. This uptight northeasterner (me) promises just to be patient with the second speediest guy on this team. No, you just have to wait. She said love don't come easy. It's a game of give and take.
Luis Arraez
”Her Majesty” by The Beatles
The Twins list Arraez at 5-foot-10 (okay…). Did you know The Beatles’ “Her Majesty” is their shortest song at just 23 seconds? It also includes one of the best lines in music history: But I gotta get a belly full of wine.
Max Kepler
”99 Luftballons” by Nena
Before there were 99 red balloons in the United States, there were 99 Luftballons by German artist Nena in 1983. The versions don’t entirely match. The original German version was written about 99 balloons that were mistakenly thought to be UFO’s. Kepler, of course, hails from Berlin, and is one of a few dozen Germans to have played in MLB.
Ryan Jeffers
”Carolina Girls” by General Johnson and Chairmen of the Board
Okay, it’s not classic rock, but it’s 45 degrees and I’m dreaming of a day on my dad’s golf course in Myrtle Beach. Ryan Jeffers knows the feeling. The Twins’ “other” catcher grew up in Raleigh but spent his college days alongside another beach in Wilmington. There are so many good beach songs that Minnesotans haven’t heard of, and none better than “Carolina Girls.” It’s a giant singalong at the beach, really. California girls are sexy, And New York girls are too. But Carolina girls got good looks, And sweet personality too. Maybe there will be a remake about Minnesota girls in sweaters eight months out of the year.
Ryan Stanzel is a PR pro and freelance content creator based in the East Metro. Follow him on Twitter or e-mail him here.
