SKÖLIOSIS Week 5—Vikings 19, Lions 17.

Well, we almost got there. We almost made it all the way to rock bottom. We were inches away from laying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, reaching the full depths of just-lost-to-the-winless-Lions-rock-bottom-bad. And who knows, had we lost the game, maybe they would have blown the whole thing up. 

But then we won. Here’s what hurt the most:   

A Win That Was the Greatest Hits of Losses 

Maybe part of the reason that if you talked to Vikings fans yesterday and they sounded like we actually lost this game, was because the victory over the Lions was like the greatest hits of every loss we’ve had this season. Consider: 

Just like the loss to the Bengals, the Vikings had a late game fumble as we were trying to be extremely conservative so nothing bad could happen at the end of the game. Only to have the worst thing happen. This time it was Alexander Mattison instead of Dalvin Cook who fumbled, but either way we got to feel that all over again. Which was cool. 

Just like the loss to Arizona we had a field goal that the broadcast team mistakenly thought went in, only to find out that the 49-yarder somehow was short. They actually changed the score on the TV broadcast momentarily. And in true Vikings fashion this inexplicably happened a short time before the winning kick from 54-yards later in the game. Of course it did. 

And just like the loss to Cleveland, we were treated to a low scoring, defensive game, with only one Vikings touchdown. And similar to the loss to the Browns, a 2-point conversion against the Vikings changed the momentum of the game. Against Cleveland it was at the end of the first half when the Vikings mistakenly called a Chris Weber timeout without having any, while against the Lions it was giving up the lead late in the game. Oh, and this all happened on another gorgeous Sunday in October that we all spent inside watching our Vikings. Yes, this indeed was a win that was the greatest hits of losses. 

KFAN Whine-Line Schadenfreude 

Is it weird that win or lose, there is some satisfaction for Vikings fans to listen to KFAN for a few hours after the game to hear other Vikings fans in various states of agony. Interestingly, the fan base seems to have migrated from Kirk Cousins vitriol, to placing Coach Zimmer squarely in their cross hairs.  

The reason for this seems to be that the NFL has become a gunslinger league filled with offensive firepower, yet the Vikings remain stuck in conservative prevent mode. No, we don’t have the young hot shot coach running plays every six seconds as people on the sideline hold up cards with various pop culture photos on them. Instead we have Zimmer putting a tennis ball inside the spare in the trunk of the car to make sure our offense isn’t driving too fast around corners.   

But perhaps the most enjoyable part of Vikings post-game on KFAN is the Paul Allen voiced ads for TimberTech decks. The line he says over and over again on the ad is “Timbertech decks are sturdy, reliable, and dependable just like the Vikings.” Wow. It’s amazing every time you hear it, and these TimberTech dudes run a lot of ads. Sort of makes you wonder if you buy a TimberTech deck does it hold up fairly well until about 17 weeks, and then it caves in and you’re impaled on a board as you head out to your grill carrying some brats. 

Lacking a Killer Instinct 

Can someone get the Vikings binge watching Investigation Discovery or listening to true crime podcasts, because this team has no killer instinct. Makes you wonder if the Vikings have their own Ted Lasso “BELIEVE” sign taped up above the door of the locker room, only it says “LIVE AND LET LIVE” or “TURN THE OTHER CHEEK” instead.  Making all of this even weirder was the Vikings were the cowardly ones, while we were playing the Lions. Their coach even cried!

The only player who doesn’t seem to be buying into the Vikings “TURN THE OTHER CHEEK” pacifism is Everson Griffen, who was penalized not once, but twice for illegal hands to the face. Sure, it may have cost us some yards, but it seems like a pretty savvy move to mix in the occasional happy slap on an offensive linemen just to keep them guessing. 

Speaking of offensive linemen, did the commentators not see the two O-linemen carrying Mattison into the endzone when they kept saying the last five yards were “All Mattison” as his teammates pushed him across the goal line? No respect for the big boys.

Jefferson Is Moving On Up  

Even if Justin Jefferson isn’t moving on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky, he’s certainly moving the chains. Jefferson put on a clinic in the first half, with almost every catch he made resulting in a first down. Jefferson moved more chains more than a mountain town auto parts store in a blizzard. Jefferson may not have done the gritty, but he could have chopped five cords of wood with all of those first down chops.  

Is Kirk Secretly A Twisted Savage Who Is Bullying Zimmer?

We all know Kirk Cousins is good, but not good enough. Over the course of his career, Cousins proven to be great at being 50/50—no matter the game situation. With Cousins at the helm, the Vikings are always a coin toss from winning or losing. We could play the best team in the league and lose by one, or play the worst team in the league and win by one. Cousins and the offense started hot averaging 29 points per game the first three weeks, only to throttle back just as our defense came alive now averaging only 13 points per game the last two. 

It’s almost like Cousins wants the games to stay close so he can work on his two-minute drill skills, like a dad playing ping pong who doesn’t want to beat them too badly so he keeps things close so they stay interested. 

But maybe Kirk’s mediocrity is just a mask for something far more horrifying resting underneath. Easily the defining moment of yesterday’s game was the weird postgame shove fight between Kirk Cousins and Coach Zimmer. No matter how many times you watch it, it’s hard to tell exactly what happened. 

It is well known in these parts that Prince was never to be touched or even looked at when he would perform at Paisley Park, and it seems Zimmer has this same rule. It’s not a great idea to touch Zimmer. Coach doesn’t like being touched. 

Which is why it was so weird to watch Cousins punch Zimmer in the chest and scream something, only to have Zimmer rock him back with a shove of his own before being held back. 

Many Vikings fans are saying this could be a turning point in the season. A moment we all look back on. That it is the time where Cousins finally broke through with Zimmer. But could there be something more sinister happening here? What if Kirk has us all fooled? What if he’s an absolute savage who Zimmer is completely terrified of? Could this be a thing? We’ve been noticing mysterious marks on the back of Zimmer’s neck, could Kirk secretly be inflicting pain scratching up coach behind the scenes? Are these neck marks a clue later to be revealed like the scars on the back of Logan Roy’s back in Succession? 

And what did Kirk say to Coach? While the Internet probably says, “You like that!” was Cousins’ pre-punch outburst—could it have been something far more aggressive? Is it possible that our Cub Scout troop leader of a quarterback is actually deranged? Did he spit all over Zimmer’s face as he screamed “I just saved your job, bitch!” Could Cousins secretly be a Peaky boy, with razor blades in his newsboy hat? Maybe he said, “See what happens when you quit being a wuss and let me drive, old man!” or “We won, but the pain doesn’t stop for you!” or “Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!”  

We like this angle. Yep, Coach Zimmer is completely terrified of Kirk Cousins and what he will do next. Seems like a good thing to us. Until next time please remember that TimberTech decks are sturdy, reliable, and dependable—just like your Minnesota Vikings!