SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 3—Vikings 30 Seahawks 17.
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the world I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the world I’m coming home
- Diddy & Sklar Grey
Yeah, it's good to be home. Back in the land of purple jerseys and horned hats with yellow braids framing the faces of a drinking induced rosacea, its pinkish red the perfect contrast to our bleak frozen tundra. Which by the way, between Zimmer’s alarmingly red face and all the leg cramping going on week 3, it has me wondering if it’s really HOT in our glass greenhouse of a stadium?!
While we are on the topic of Zimmer’s red face, do you think while we are all throwing our beers at the TV after botched Bashaud Breeland coverage, that Zimmy’s dermatologist is yelling at his TV for totally different reasons? “God dammit, Zimmer! I told you to re-apply every 2 hours!!!” As he/she flips the TV off in disgust, and heads out to do yard work in an umbrella hat.
Speaking of U.S. Bank Stadium, besides being the envy of pot growers everywhere, did you know that it apparently kills over 100 birds a year via bird collisions, which is the technical term for birds flying into the Vikings’ glass house. 100 Birds a year!!! Bird Collisions!!!! Guess we don’t have to tell that to the Seattle Seahawks as we can seemingly add 53 more to that number after Sundays’ shocking dismantling of Pete Carroll’s birds. Which makes me wonder if Pete has ever gone to a Halloween party dressed as the Bird Lady from Home Alone 2? That would be awesome. He’d be a Halloween hit, as Seahawks players would come into his office to find him covered in birds, tossing bird seed around in all directions as they seek his sage words of wisdom.
Technically speaking, I suppose we should be thrilled with the outcome of Sunday’s game. And of course we are. But this is also EXACTLY why it is so hard to be a Vikings fan. This roller coaster inconsistency is the reason our spines zig zag back and forth like a bonsai tree seeking the light through the shade of taller trees. It would be one thing if the Vikes would just decide to officially suck beyond repair. But they never do. Instead they just leave us perpetually in limbo. They should sell season tickets officially on top of the fence between whether we are playoff contenders or vying for another 12th to 16th draft spot. If they had lost Sunday, we could have officially started our season exit strategy. Like a dad dragging their kids out of games at the end of the 3rd quarter to beat the traffic and enjoy the conclusion of the game from the comfort of their car, an 0-3 would have had us cruising down I-35 ahead of all the suckers that stuck it out. Except with the Vikings, they always keep that game just close enough so that we have to stay in our seats until the end. Which ultimately leads to them ripping our hearts out at the end of the season, as we do the walk of shame in two hours of stop and go traffic to boot. Had the Vikings just lost Sunday, we could have started our peaceful transition to reclaiming our Sundays, downgrading the Vikings to background noise on the radio as we golf, mow the lawn, or drink beers on a pontoon on one of our 10,000 lakes. Instead, we stay in our seats for another week and even start re-editing the season narrative in our heads:
. . . Maybe the Bengals are actually good now. I mean they beat the Steelers also, and besides a bogus fumble, we should have won that game!
. . . We really had Arizona, a likely playoff contender, on the ropes. And should have won that game as well had our kicker hit a 37 yard chip shot.
. . . This team could easily be 3-0. We’re a couple plays from being undefeated.
All that said, this week we can celebrate. So, let’s just enjoy it. And that’s why we do this, isn’t it? We live for those occasional moments of catharsis, while investing in a future where hopefully one day we will get rewarded for these years of pain with the sweet release of a championship.
More Cushion for the Pushin’
I’m envious of the person that someday gets to introduce Ahmad Rashad to Bashaud Breeland at a Vikings alumni event. “Ahmad Rashad, meet Bashaud”, but then Bashaud can’t reach to shake Ahmad’s hand because he is so used to leaving twenty feet of cushion between him and open receivers, so he just gives Ahmad finger guns from across the room. That’s the way Sunday started, with Bashaud leaving a Shaquille O’Neal body pillow sized cushion between him and D.K. Metcalf on a 2nd and goal from the 10 yard line, allowing D.K. an easy touchdown to open the game. I suppose this shouldn’t have surprised us as Bashaud has been practicing Dr. Fauci levels of social distancing all season. And it’s hard to blame him here because it’s a no win situation covering Metcalf, you either let him run by you with his superhuman speed or run over you with his superhuman strength. Pick your poison.
At the commercial break we were treated to a Matty “Ice” Ryan meeting "Ice Tea" in a Tide detergent add, it was as if they were reading my mind about Ahmad Rashad meeting Beshaued. It all reminded me of when I was a kid in the 80’s and I desperately hoped Mr. T. would marry Sheila E. and she would be stubborn deciding to hyphenate her name and become Mrs. E-T.
Step Inside The Huge Hands Mark Sanchez Nickname Generator
Seemingly reading my mind, the next ad was for a Shaq-a-roni pizza. This commenced our bad nickname victory tour hosted by commentator Matt Sanchez. Best I could tell, Sanchez’s nicknames and unusually large hands seemed to be the extent of his announcer schtick. Sanchez blessed C.J. Ham with two nicknames on Sunday: "The Hamburglar,” because he steals yards or something corny like that, and later the “HAMmer” because, well, he blocks people like a hammer. I’m sure Tide is drawing up another lame commercial with MC Hammer and C.J. Ham as we speak. While I’m thinking of it, at some point this year we will need to work up an all Minnesotan Minnesota Vikings team - that C.J. Ham would certainly be on. Ham is a native Minnesotan, Augustana College alumni and was born in Duluth, Minnesota. Which calls to mind the great Hamm’s Beer Bear. Maybe Hamm deserves a more Minnesotan nickname like “C.J. Hamm’s Bear.” The other great nickname I heard Matty Sanchez unload was referring to Kirk Cousins as “The Executioner.” I mean, in all fairness, Kirk played a hell of a game Sunday and so far this season really is playing tremendous. He has exceed all expectations thus far. But “the Executioner?!” Kirk’s lifetime record is 54-56-2 at the time of this article. I mean if you’re trying to find someone to execute mediocrity, then sure, I guess it works.
Shoeless Joe Cousins
At two different points Sunday we saw players lose their shoes, including Kirk Cousins who couldn’t get his on before the next play so he bravely tossed it aside and ran a play in his sock. A play which, to no surprise, ended in a batted down pass, presumably because he was standing an inch lower without his shoe. Since most guys out there are familiar with having to run a play or two into a sock, should we expect to see shoe horn boys pacing the sidelines next to water boys in the future? Also, I’m interested in this shoe horn position if it opens up.
The Stunt Double
Are we sure Dalvin wasn’t still out there Sunday? What if Zimmer just has Dalvin and his stunt double, Alexander Mattison, switch uniforms every quarter so no one is really sure who they are trying to hurt. Alexander not only physically looks like Dalvin’s Doppelgänger, his stat line filled in admirably as well: 26 carries for 112 yards along with 6 catches for 59 yards. Looks like Mattison might have a future in Hollywood, except not on Tom Cruise movies. Because, you know, Maverick does all his own stunts.
The Kicker Cemetery
Is it possible that Coach Zimmer’s kicker intimidation is also upsetting to the opposing team’s kickers? Does he just release some sort of pheromone that is paralyzing to kickers? Because at least this week Zimmer’s death stare seemed to work in our favor as Seattle’s kicker Jason Myers missed his first kick in 37 tries leaving him 4 shy of Mike Vanderjagt’s record 41.
Prodigal Son Returns
Welcome back Everson Griffen whom got a sack in his first game back as a Viking along with some quarterback hurries that like delicious delivery pizza kept Russ from cooking all day.
K.J. Osborn continues to be my favorite new addition to the team. While Osborn had a quiet day overall with only 2 catches for 26 yards, he still impressed on those two catches. Including one great play where Cousins unloading the ball quickly under pressure, and K.J. snatched it like he was a mind reader. Also, Osborn easily has the best hair on the Vikings. Love that 17 is officially rocking Viking braids, although for his own safety he might want to steer clear of crazy Crossfitters looking to get some rope work in. There’s nothing scarier than an overzealous Crossfitter.
SuperFuzz
In the early 80’s, well before super hero movies were a thing, there was a movie called SuperFuzz about a bumbling cop named Dave Speed. In the story, Speed is exposed to radiation that gives him sudden super powers except when he see’s the color red, which acts like his kryptonite. At one point during the movie Speed tries to jump off a building and fly, but he sees something red that neutralizes his power and he goes crashing back down onto the ground.
My favorite play of the game Sunday was late in the 4th quarter when Russell Wilson and the Seahawks were trying to mount a comeback. Russ lets loose with a bomb to D.K. Metcalf, only to see Metcalf take off to jump up for it a full five seconds too early. Metcalf was already falling back down and hitting the ground before the ball even landed. It was weird, but totally reminded me of SuperFuzz. It was like D.K. just assumed he would take off and fly five more feet into the air, but than he saw something red in the crowd (Mike Zimmer’s face?), and was neutralized and sent back to earth.
So I guess the moral of the story is on this particular Sunday is that Mike Zimmer’s anti-kicker pheromones and super red face might have just won us a game. Keep it up Mike. We’ll take them any way we can get them. Just don’t leave us hanging at the end of the season. I’ll stay in my seat for now, just in case.
Without further ado, let’s finish with another Coming Home song.
