Johnny Lawrence Thinks You’re A Pu**y, And He Might Be Right.

I’m kicking myself with a crane kick to my own forehead. 

As an advertising copywriter, somewhere back in the early 2000s, I was once on the set of a commercial, chatting it up with an actor over hummus dip at the craft service table. Now, this guy seemed somewhat normal (usually L.A. commercial actors can be straight nut jobs) and he also claimed to have a very interesting roommate. You guessed it. William Zabka, aka Johnny Lawrence. Hold on. Was this just another full-of-himself actor trying to impress an agency guy into getting more two-bit, 30-second roles? I had so many questions. Does William still have the floppy golden hair wing? Does he park his dirt bike on the porch? When you question him about feeding your pet goldfish, does he say, “I’ll decide when he’s had enough!” Sensing my disbelief, he invited me over to have a few beers with them. Imagine that. Crushing a case of Coors Banquets and then snapping the caps across the room with Johnny Lawrence! 

Now for the kicking myself part. For some stupid reason, I declined. Maybe I didn’t want to see the out-of-work child star, William Zabka, down on his luck. Or maybe I didn’t want to get thrown up against a chain link fence. Either way, I screwed up. Maybe some of his bad ass spirit would have rubbed off on me. Or maybe, like his character on Cobra Kai, William would have thought I’m just a big pu**y.

Frozen Caveman Sensei

If there was an All Valley Tournament for best Netflix shows, Cobra Kai might just go undefeated. It rocks with music from Ratt and Poison. It kicks ass with elaborate fight scenes that would make Jason Bourne flinch. And the main character, Johnny Lawrence, is as endearing as he is inappropriately hilarious. From his concert tees to his cherry car, he’s stuck in the 80’s. And that’s totally rad.

You see, the 80’s were filled with all sorts of skin-thickening aspects that these current generations will never have to face. There were swirlies and second-hand smoke. There was riding in the back of your station wagon, facing backwards and not wearing a seat belt—all while your little sister steered the car from your dad’s lap. And then there was the lethal concoction of Aqua Net and Drakkar Noir. Anything else written on my death certificate, as cause of death, is absolutely false.

Back in the days of BMX jumps, do you think Mom would let us inside for a glass of filtered Culligan water? Think again. She would lock us out so she could clean the house. And that’s a good thing, because drinking from a garden hose doesn’t only provide cancerous, lukewarm refreshment on a hot summer day. It provides the ideals to be resourceful, overcome obstacles, and never quit. Said in Johnny’s words, “don’t be such a pu**y.” And to Johnny, this phrase isn’t limited to just people. Everyone and everything from students, rivals, drowning, asthma, paralyzed legs—all need to toughen up in his mind. It’s those moments in Cobra Kai when we quickly learn Johnny’s mission while teaching his dojo of dweebs. If you can’t survive adversity, including all of his insensitive nicknames (to which he has some doozies: Ass Face, Penis Breath, Lip), how will you survive an elbow to the face? 

Robby, I am your father.

Watch closely, and you’ll definitely see some Star Wars similarities in the form of Jedi training and come-to-the-dark-side, father-figure confusion. And it makes sense. The 70’s and 80’s were ripe with daddy issues. Yeah, we’re talking about you Mr. Vader. 

Throughout Cobra Kai, we haven’t learned much if anything about Mr. Lawrence Senior. It’s easy to imagine him looking like a throwback Robert Redford. Similar golden locks, a red-blooded American moustache and delicious taco meat chest hair. If we’re lucky, we’ll get to meet this beauty in Season 4.

What is clear is that Johnny didn’t learn many great traits from his 1980’s dad. It probably started the day he was born. Mom’s in the hospital giving her all, while Johnny’s dad, like most dads from that era, was knocking back suds at the local beer hall. No way in hell he was holding a leg when Johnny was slip-and-sliding down the birth canal. Guessing he peeked in at his golden-haired lookalike through the nursery window, handed out a few cigars before heading back to the horse track to parlay his lucky day.

More than likely, the same goes for Johnny when his son was born. But let’s karate chop him some slack, shall we? Could you imagine losing both your girlfriend and the All Valley Championship to some New Jersey no name? That’s depressing. Who knows what else was going on in his life at this time? Investments in one-hour photo and video rental stores? Lost his job when Mervyn’s went bankrupt? Times were hard, not to mention, Metal was about to give way to Rap Rock.

So, Johnny’s on a bender and definitely not there when his Ex decides to name their son. There’s no way he could have been. I mean, Robby? Tell me Johnny would have went with a name way more badass like Conan, Rocky, or Ric. Unless however, this Robert Redford idea has some steam. Who knows, maybe in Season 4 it’s revealed Robby was named after his sun-kissed grandfather, Robert, who enters the picture making an indecent proposal on Daniel’s wife. You never know, this throwback concept is working really well for Netflix.

Has tech deleted our toughness?

If there’s any reason our society deserves to get a below-the-belt-kick, it’s because of our reliance on technology. Flipping through our phones, hate-liking fake people’s posts about their fake lives couldn’t be further from Johnny Lawrence’s Iron Maiden mentality. He may be stuck in the past, but his karate senses can feel what’s coming in the future. Not only does he believe that computers are for nerds (especially after he pressed all the buttons and still couldn’t get on the internet) but why cyberbully when you can make fun of someone’s man boobs straight to their face? 

Twitter? Instagram? Unfollow. Johnny’s got his own way of being an influencer. He actually calls people on his phone—and not texting them first asking them if it’s OK to call them. Nope, that’s a pu**y move. Not only that, he’s calling them based on their phone number that he’s memorized. How many of you know your best friend’s phone number by heart? Crickets.

As for dating apps like Tinder, these couldn’t be further from Johnny’s Wayfarers and jean jacket mojo. He’d much rather roll up on a cute jogger in the park and let the Whitesnake from his Firebird swipe right. 

Living a life of Lawrence.

Johnny may be onto something. Maybe we are soft. Maybe it’s been too long since we’ve smashed a boom box on the beach, given someone a swirly, or overcome a hangover with a bedside Coors Banquet and fried bologna chaser. Maybe we are glad Johnny Lawrence is back in our lives because his badass-ery has also revealed his honesty, grit, heart, perseverance, and mentorship. Watching Cobra Kai, the thing that we can all learn from Johnny is that when life gets hard, and lately it’s seems a little harder than it was in 1984, let’s kick life in its pansy ass and stop being such a bunch of wangless dorks (Johnny’s words not mine.)