It’s Time To Binge Bridgerton—82 Million Vibrators Can’t Be Wrong.

Netflix’s most watched show ever is a rousing binge with a naughty twinge.

If lockdowns have taught us anything, it’s that we’re capable of more than a basic Netflix bender. We’ve leveled up. Gone are the days of pride or prejudice in plowing through a salacious season in a single week. While authentic experiences may feel lacking, our virtual appetites are roused. The old stuff. The new stuff. The stuff Linda in accounting suggests. We will watch and we will binge. Between Beth Dutton and that bitch Carole Baskin, it’s clear self-control is in the rearview. We gorge what we can and hoard what we must until the dreadful moment we all eventually encounter: the ill-fated show hole.

Then, a beacon of light breaks through the glowing backscreen with a new Netflix recommendation: Bridgerton. That’s right ladies and gentle men: clear your weekend, draw the shades and let your finger shamefully travel to the Next Episode button.

If you’re not sure fanciful London-based drama is your thing, give it a go. And heed this author’s advice: Don’t. Pull. Out.

Full of irony and mischief, Bridgerton is set in London’s Regency Era, which is said to have been an apex in the pursuit of pleasure.

Within the first three minutes, we’re acquainted with the delicious rump of our titled family’s eldest son, Viscount Anthony, engaged in the breathless albeit hasty pleasure so easily afforded to men of the times. Well done Bridgerton. A strategic and surefire attempt to captivate audiences for Season Two, which was announced on January 21st and is scheduled to start production in the Spring of 2021. The show is rumored to keep in step with the book series, which includes a novel devoted to each of the beautiful Bridgerton brats. To give you an idea at the anticipation the series has stirred, Book Two: The Viscount Who Loved Me, is presently listed on Amazon for $796 in hardcover.

But let’s not rush things.

Season One centers around darling Daphne, the eldest daughter of the Bridgerton clan, portrayed by Phoebe Dynevor. Daphne is elegant, enchanting and saturated in gut-wrenching perfection of the likeable sort. Contrast to her quick-witted and cynical sister, Eloise, who pines for a life of spinsterhood, Daphne draws fire in her quest for romance. We can hardly blame her. If her only value in this delightfully misogynistic world is her ability to find a husband, she’s damn well going to love him.

Titled, chaste and innocent ladies are compelled to embrace the shock, dishonor and scandal that is the courtship season.

What’s a Penis?

Like many of the young women in Bridgerton’s vibrant high society, Daphne is in the midst of being seasoned for courtship and marriage. Let’s take a moment to appreciate that much of the groundwork being laid to prepare these young women for couple hood is limited to a demure smile and alluring curtsy. That, and a specific absence of the fact that men possess genitalia.

If you can’t decide if innocence of the times was endearing or maddening, let’s at least agree that Bridgerton attempts to capture it with the best of satirical intention. Brides were sent off on their wedding nights with the mere knowledge that hounds don’t need the particulars, and yet in the spring, there are puppies. And when scandal emerges with the discovery that a young woman is in the family way, other ladies are kept from consorting with the bad seed by being told the condition is catchy.

Innocence is the greatest of virtue for debutants out in society and they are presented like pretty, oblivious prized pigs before the Queen and every suitable bachelor throughout the season.

Enter . . .Simon Basset

Portrayed by Regé-Jean Page, Simon Basset is undoubtedly the most desirable suitor and new Duke of Hastings. He is the season’s most eligible and uncatchable rake, and no doubt encouraging vibrators across the nation to go the distance. From his first moment on the screen, we are made to understand this isn’t just a show. It’s a sexual journey that brings us back, no matter who we are, to the days of reckless anticipation. The Duke is brooding, mysterious and complicated, allowing us to re-live the initial stages of desire. If his chiseled jawline and bedroom eyes aren’t enough to prove he is worth the fuss, we are sunk with the perfect backstory that every larger-than-life leading man needs. He has overcome a stammer and severe family baggage.

Thanks to his role as the delectable Duke, actor Regé-Jean Page has become a figurative and literal overnight success. He has caught the attention of Hollywood where rumors stir that he is a top contender to portray the next James Bond and quite possibly, Black Panther. The SAG Award nominee has likened his character to “Darcy as a 21st century f*ck boy,” and explains that a fair amount of warning went into preparing his family for the show, lest they see more of their beloved son/brother/cousin than bargained for. Bridgerton counterpart Phoebe Dynevor has expressed sincere admiration for Page’s acting talent, but also befuddlement at how many times she’s asked how he smells.

The actor’s claims of being uninteresting are overshadowed by the fact that he is an “old school actor” who according to friends in the industry is a true artist with talent not often found in today’s generation. He is the son of a Zimbabwean nurse and English preacher with family scattered all over the world. On being mixed race, Page states he learned from a young age that he was a “walking political statement.”

But perhaps the greatest pinnacle of glory for our dearest Regé-Jean Page? The fact that a spoon he used in Episode Three: Art of the Swoon, has its very own Instagram page; @TheDukesSpoon, which currently features over 22k followers.

Go ahead, I’ll wait while you check it out.

I Wish To Be Entertained!

I’m not sure you can talk about Bridgerton without paying high praise to its Queen. Played by Golda Rosheuvel, the formidable presence of Queen Charlotte is the foundation upon which the entire season is laid. With a background in theater, Rosheuvel is a master at commanding an audience with dignified grit, well-timed folly and dare I say, a pinch of vulnerability. Though it is little discussed, historians have determined that the very real Queen Charlotte hailed from a Black branch of the Portuguese royal family. This writer applauds the fact that at long last, the biracial backstory of Her Majesty is being embraced. And while we’re on the subject, there is no denying that Bridgerton has earned much praise for its diverse cast which allows viewers to assimilate and lean into possibilities history could have delivered under better circumstances.

Not Everyone Can Be A Pretty Bridgerton

Let’s take a moment to recognize the absolute brilliance that is the Featherington Family. An ostentatious household who feels the need to smother its imperfections in bright colors and feigned pride. Say what you will, they are magnificently relatable. My personal favorite, love her or hate her, is Lady Portia Featherington. Portrayed by Polly Walker, the mother of this household is a fierce lioness. Think Harriet Oleson from Little House on the Prairie. We’re tempted to paint her the villain as she manipulates the circumstances of life around her. But how does that make her unlike any other protective schemer with an ability to not only withstand, but deflect judgment?

Thank You Bridgerton, For Dusting Off My Libido

Pandemics, political hurricanes and social media meltdowns created the ultimate need for escape. Only we can’t. What we lack in romantic retreats and sumptuous four-star restaurants, we make up for in our streaming. Together, we’ve made our way through New Releases, What’s Trending and Top Picks. Whether it’s a stark hideaway in the Ozarks to the chilling anxiety of the Upside Down, we’ve been allowed to live vicariously in a world that streaming giants provide. Thanks to Bridgerton, our figurative and literal whistles have been whetted. Husbands, partners and unsuspecting single neighbors, brace yourselves, because thanks to the beauty that is Bridgerton, 82 million households have a rekindled sense of euphoria seeping into the dormant regions of their bikini bottoms.

And now, with Season One under our belts, I bid you adieu. We may feel the void as we await what Season Two brings; but fear not gentle reader, anticipation is an aphrodisiac, no matter how excruciating the wait can be.