Lake Lifers vs River Rats. Which One Are You?
Pull those boats out of storage and vacuum up the mouse turds from under your life jackets—boating season has arrived in the Midwest. It’s our favorite four months where we justify spending thousands of dollars doing the one thing that keeps us from permanently moving to Florida and becoming Panthers fans. Boating helps us unwind from disappointing hockey seasons, stockpile vitamin D, and gives us a reason to try and shed our newly acquired ten-pound winter coat. While some people boat on rivers and others boat on lakes, there are some definite differences between the two groups. Groups we’ll call River Rats and Lake Lifers.
Fun in the Sun
Every boater, whether on a river or lake, loves getting out and just going for a cruise. But on-the-water activities are where these two groups start to part like the Red Sea. River Rats often tie-up with other boats, find a sandy beach to watch weirdos, or meet other River Rats, playing games such as bags, washers or best of all, Beersbie. However, Lake Lifers seem to have shorter attention spans. They already know every person and every boat on the lake. So, to fill the void of not being entertained by the occasional passing trainwreck, they keep busy with legitimate watersports. These are usually just hour-long excursions such a wakeboarding, waterskiing and whipping kids dangerously off of an innertube. And let’s not forget fishing—a hobby much easier and more productive to do on a lake. Credit this to not having to deal with 40-foot yachts capsizing your boat, all-the-while blasting Pitbull for their boob-a-licious and Botoxed passengers.
Boat Snacks
Bringing food out for your boating adventures may just be the difference between staying sober enough to watch the sunset or passing out face-down on the bottom of the boat. When you’re out with Lake Lifers, don’t expect much of a dining experience. Most likely, the menu will consist of salty hand snacks like Doritos, mixed nuts, and beef sticks. These people have cabins with elaborate crockpot dinners awaiting their arrival. On the other hand, River Rats are set on a completely different course. They’re in it for the long haul and have planned accordingly. Often tying up or beaching with other boats, on the river, it’s like a progressive dinner party. Hopping boat-to-boat you’re getting a tasting menu better than the Around the World Tour at EPCOT. On any given weekend you could come across chicken skewers with peanut sauce, burgers, sushi, wings, booze-soaked fruit and more. Just be aware of the boat serving upside down pineapple. That’s a symbol for a secret society that will probably make you lose your appetite.
Making Water
An important thing to know before you go out on the water and drink fourteen Topo Chicos is what’s the bathroom sitch. Lake Lifers and River Rats alike will gravitate to the easy answer: Go for a swim, and without bringing too much attention for yourself, just let it flow. Now this is where it pays to be in a moving body of water like the river. Remember Lake Minnetonka a few fourth of Julys ago? Reports vary, but apparently 172 people got sick swimming in toilet water worse than the kiddie pool at the Kalahari Resort. For lake people, sometimes it’s easier to sail back to shore and do the drop at a cabin or port-o-potty. It’s on the river where people tend to have bathroom breaks best figured out. And no, we’re not talking about digging a hole under a fallen log. River boats are usually bigger than lake boats. And many have a toilet. It’s easier to go potty when you got a yachty.
Personally Speaking
Wherever you go, you’ll find varying degree of people. And same goes for lakes and rivers. But for the sake of this article, here’s some common types of people you’re likely to find on the lake and on the river. First off, lakes are calmer than rivers, and for the most part so are the people. More of a humble type, Lake Lifers don’t blare their music and they all know how to do the polite and understated “Boat Wave.” Let’s just say, if your boat ever needs a tow back to land, you’re probably more likely to find that person on a lake. River Rats, on the other hand are spirited, adventurous and kids say, “extra”. They can be a little more rough-around-the-edges and a little more, my-dingy-is-bigger-than-your-dingy. Maybe it’s because River Rats can’t escape to their cabins to power nap and recharge. Staying out in the elements too long, and by days end they’ll be sunburned, wind ravaged and chaffed—looking like a St. Croix River version of Tom Hanks in the movie “Castaway.”
Get Your Float On
Whether you enjoy the always-moving, always-something-new aspect of river life, or you appreciate a lake’s calm waters where you can make your own fun—either way, you’re better on a boat. Instantly you can feel your blood pressure drop and your anxiety wash away. Lake Lifers and River Rats alike, here in the Midwest, we love boating. And no amount of embarrassingly bad trailer back-ups can keep us from living our best lives. We hope to see you soon, riding on a flamingo floatie, while sucking on the spigot of a margarita-filled Igloo jug. That is, until October, when the lakes freeze, and back watching hockey inside of 32° ice arenas.
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