Seven Seltzers to Make You Look Badass On A Boat.
Let’s face it. It’s necessary to have a drink in your hand while you’re on a boat. We’re pretty sure it’s a law. Something that can easily be pulled out of a cooler and tossed across a boat. While beer is always a good go-to option, it can sometimes make you so bloated that you feel like you need sea legs attached to your swimsuit or you’re wearing the bottom half to Chris Farley’s suit coat in the movie Tommy Boy. And that’s why God (and probably some dude in his basement) invented seltzers. Let’s be honest though—there’s a stigma attached to seltzers, which can make those who drink them feel emasculated. To help you out, Pulltab Sports has compiled a list of our top seltzers to make you feel like a badass on boat this summer. And, yes, we know some of these are seltzers, others flavored-malt-beverages, and some technically cocktails in a can . . .it doesn't matter. Besides, if you’re debating the difference and the detail—we probably wouldn’t want you on our boat anyway!
Topo Chico
Most of the time, drinking a seltzer is going to make you look like a straight nerd. But nobody’s going to think you’re soft while drinking a Topo Chico. Originally a mineral water, it has been locally sourced and bottled in Monterrey, Mexico since 1895. And that’s why you’ll find the toughest cabróns walking the streets of Mexico, drinking it while washing down tamales and street tacos. Bring that vibe and a case of these to the lake this summer and you’ll feel like a pontoon poco madre, Lake Minnetonka westside loco. If someone has a problem with you drinking Topo Chico seltzers, tell them to take it up with El Chapo Guzman himself. Topo Chico is extra bubbly, a bit salty, and known by the locals for having healing powers. Which is what your liver is going to need after crushing a 12-pack.
High Noon
When you need a seltzer to make you feel more upscale, here’s something easy to remember: High Noon = High Class. Let’s start with the cans. They’re bold, simple and iconic. Seeing one in someone’s hand is like recognizing a Rolex on a wrist. They have a flirty-dirty nickname too. Imagine saying this when taking drink orders, “Hey how about a Nooner?” And as for the elevated price? At nearly $3 a can, it just confirms that this is a luxury brand for an exclusive, premium audience. Those who can afford the finer things in life. If you question it, perhaps you’d be more comfortable at Costco where you can get a case of Kirkland Seltzers for about $20. Maybe an 8-pack of High Noon isn’t a smart financial decision, but coolness favors the rich.
Stilly
We know already! Stilly is not a seltzer, it says it right on their website. But if you haven’t noticed yet, on this list we’re being loose with the seltzer definition and including all sorts of bubbly, non-beer drinks in a can. As for Stilly, it’s more of a cocktail in a can, made with real fruit juices. It’s like you’re doing your body a favor by drinking it. And as for the look, we’d say it’s a bit regal. After all, there’s a gold emblem. We could see Prince Harry shotgunning these out on the St. Croix River—sort of royal meets rebel. And let’s not forget the cool cocktail names. There’s Partymaker, Vibe Machine and The Fuzz. Who doesn’t want to party with a Vibe Machine?
Ranch Water
Even though Topo Chico was one of the main ingredients in the original ranch water formula, we’re going to separate the two drinks just to give you another great option. The great thing about drinking a canned Ranch Water is you could get away with not calling it a seltzer. This concoction was invented by dusty-ass cowboys (and more recently Yellowstone’s Walker himself ) who mixed tequila and fruit juice into their water canteens while they sweated their asses off in the desert sun. Bonus points if you drink a Ranch Water while wearing a cowboy hat, chaps or can lasso a cactus. There’s nobody who’s going to start shit if you can pull that off. Unless, of course, your chaps are ass-less.
Cutwater
You can tell a badass by their ability to handle a strong drink, and a can of Cutwater would knock Conor McGregor on his ass. While most of the seltzers on this list come in at a standard 5% alcohol, Cutwater busts into your blood stream like Kramer into Seinfeld’s apartment, with an eye-blurring 12.5% alcohol. So, the next time you’re on a boat and people are giving you trouble for drinking a seltzer show them this party trick. Let a mosquito land on your skin and instead of slapping it dead, hold it up for all to see. Right as it punctures your skin, calmly take a swig of Cutwater, then perform your best Bruce Willis yippee-ki-yay-mother-fucker impression, and watch as it detonates into a mini fireball right before your friends’ eyes.
Mountain Dew Hard Seltzer
Seltzer cans that don’t look like they were painted for the Easter Bunny to hide are hard to come by. If youthful masculinity is what you’re going for, Mountain Dew Hard Seltzer might be the ticket. No flowers, no pastel colors, nothing that looks like it could be served at a Mother’s Day brunch. We’re not sure if the cans are cool-looking or if we’re having a lapse in judgement similar to the time when we almost bought an Affliction T-shirt. Which also makes us wonder if testosterone seduction is an unethical marketing practice. While Mountain Dew Hard Seltzer comes in those classic Dew flavors that we all love—including Baja Blast, the issue we’re having is that we’re not sure if we should take them out on a boat or to our mom’s basement for an all-night Fortnite sesh.
Happy Dad
In the opposite way that Mountain Dew Hard Seltzer is cool, there’s Happy Dad seltzers. No intense graphics, no gamer vibes. Just generic, white, non-slim cans, that will trick many into believing you’re just another boring dad who drinks this brewski while cutting the grass. It’s that exact irony that the Happy Dad brand is going for. That’s because it was started by YouTubers, the NELK Boys, who are known for pulling ridiculous pranks on people. Well done Gen Z. You’ve just given us a way to gain street cred while inconspicuously drinking tasty, less-filling alcohol. And just like older generations have made Facebook, skinny jeans, and (soon enough) TikTok uncool, in time, we’ll overrun this brand too. Watch as we flip the irony back on itself, in a truly confusing manner that only, Alanis Morrisette the Queen of Irony, will understand.
10,000 Seltzers for 10,000 Lakes
From tequila seltzers, to canned cocktails, malt beverages and more, the non-beer market is growing exponentially—almost as fast as teenage car jackings. Even the biggest brands are getting in the game. Corona, Hornitos, Monster, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Hell, even Sunny D has a boozy seltzer. So, before you take to the water this summer, hit up your local liq and find a good seltzer to keep you bloat-free, buzzed up and looking badass.
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