The Vikings should win an Emmy for their 2021 season, it’s been a wild ride. With every game going down to the wire, being a Vikings fan this year has required a defibrillator. And last night’s noble attempt to once again pull defeat from the jaws of victory was more of the same. The only blemish was—if we’re being true to the 2021 season, and the standards we’ve set for ourselves—last night’s game really should have ended with the Steelers scoring a touchdown on their final drive before missing the 2-point conversion. That’s just how sick a season it’s been, I was actually a little disappointed the Steelers didn’t get that last touchdown. I can picture the script writers the Vikings commissioned for this season, sitting in their writer’s room in hell, debating the ending, “yeah, the Steelers probably should score the TD on the final drive, and then miss the extra point. Let’s take them all the way, it’s what we do.” Honestly, I’m not sure how or why they let us off the hook there.

After the Lions loss, and nearly giving up a 29-point lead this week, I found myself once again turning off the game and walking upstairs. The wife gave her standard disapproval, “why do you even watch. . .” Only this time, for whatever reason, I actually found myself chuckling to myself as I walked up the stairs to my bedroom.

I feel like these last two weeks a switch has flipped. It used to be that before we viewed being a Vikings fan like the shock therapy they used to do on mice where they’d learn not to touch the button that delivers a jolt of electricity. I feel like as Vikings fans we’ve turned the corner, and we’re all holding our hands on the button, gripping it with white knuckles while taking the full brunt of the shock as we foam at the mouth and laugh hysterically.

A few weeks back I heard the best quote I’ve ever heard about being a Vikings fan, “The only way to watch the Vikings is through your neighbor’s window.”

And before this season, that’s always been the idea. Don’t get too close, don’t get too attached. But something has happened these last two weeks, where it feels now like let’s just lean in and take the pain. So, if you see me crawling through my neighbor’s window—cutting myself with shards of glass along the way, only to taste the blood and rub it on my face like the joker—that’s why. We’re well past the point of no return.

Last night’s game did offer three quarters of bliss that Vikings fans had no idea what to do with. That’s right, the Vikings were actually putting together a blowout victory, seemingly with no strings attached. At one point a buddy of mine started texting, “I think I might be super stoned right now. Everything is heightened, and weird. Breeland has a pick, the Vikings are winning by blowout, and Michael Strahan is going to space?!”

But that’s not how the Vikings do things, now is it? Nope. That lead quickly evaporated, and then I received this text from the same guy, “It’s like I’ve gotten used to the pain. Like a POW that’s used to sleeping in the dirt. When he’s set free and put up in a nice hotel and you find him sleeping in the alley because they’re no longer comfortable in civilization.”

Yes, it was only a matter of time before the Vikings wronged the ship and started taking on water. As the Vikings switched to a prevent defense and the Steelers scored three touchdowns, in 5 minutes! This was the moment the fan based finally broke through. This season has been a marathon, and Vikings fans are like the runner that’s reached another level of consciousness. Congratulations, we are now all officially on a spiritual journey. After 14 weeks in the sweat lodge, we’ve reached that level.

Yes, Vikings fans, grab your peyote and start shooting your guns in the air because the spirit horse is coming!

As I wipe the froth off my mouth from gripping the shock button, it’s time to look at the last two weeks for what it offered us. Note: we’re not going to dwell on the Lions loss, because we all could see it coming.

Of Course We Beat the Steelers, Because We Lost to the Lions.

You may have noticed there was no Sköliosis last week. The reason for this is any true Vikings fan knew the second we lost to the Lions, that we were 100% beating the Steelers on Thursday night. Which is why we waited for the 1-2 gut punch, because this season even the wins hurt a little.

But more than that, this is what the Vikings do. They never let you fully off the hook. Whether it’s a win, a loss, or the season itself—this thing is going down to the wire. It wouldn’t have been the Vikings to lose both games and let us all turn off our televisions and return to society. No, we need to stay in our cells as they’ll keep sliding food under the door for a few more weeks. We’re like Michael Corleone in Godfather 3, “just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”

And besides . . .

Goff’s Better Half

I know the Vikings lost to the Lions, but watching Jared Goff’s girlfriend, Christen Harper, react to the news of the Lions first win of the season while apparently on a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot made it perfectly fine. If losing to the Lions brought unbearable pain to Vikings fans, this Christen Harper video was our OxyContin. If our sadness made her happy, it was all worth it.

Zimm’s Better Half

It also seems like every Vikings fan on the planet was informed at precisely the same time that Coach Zimmer (age 68) has a new supermodel girlfriend (age 40). We know Coach Zimm isn’t super involved with special teams, but dude sure knows how to outkick his coverage.

The life of a pro football coach is long hours at the office, so one has to wonder if this new relationship has Coach cutting corners. We can see Zimm looking at his watch at 4:45pm, “I think we’re good here, right? I mean, it’s the Lions! They call it the 5 o’clock whistle for a reason guys. See you in Detroit!”

While people have made a lot of the age difference between Coach Zimmer and his girlfriend, we had the Sköliosis advanced analytics team investigate. Using the familiar half your age plus 7 rule, the math looks like this.

68 = Coach Zimmer’s age.

34 = Half Coach Zimmer’s Age.

41 = Half Coach Zimmer’s Age plus 7.

40 = Zimmer’s Girlfriend’s age.

Yep, it looks like even with the half your age plus seven rule that Coach Zimmer and the Vikes missed by 1 again, the narrowest of margins—sounds about right for this season.

The Jefferson Cheat Code

God bless Justin Jefferson. Even without Adam Thielen, this kid continues to set the record book ablaze and appears to be capable of getting open on every single play. Jefferson has no credit limit, and he’s an absolute video game cheat code. And while the last two weeks have been quite uneven to say the least, the good news is it does appear that Klint Kubiak knows the recipe for success includes about twenty-five helpings of Justin Jefferson with a side of Justin Jefferson. Is it possible for Jefferson to get 500 yards and 12 touchdowns in one game? Yes. Could Justin Jefferson be the greatest receiver to ever live? Quite possibly.

Anthony Barr—the Throwback Leader We Need

For Vikings fans, Anthony Barr has always been a bit of a mystery. He’s like Byron Buxton in purple—a tantalizing talent who has trouble staying on the field. But there was a moment last night after Vikings defensive back Kris Boyd took a taunting penalty which basically started all of the drama, where the cameras picked up Anthony Barr about to put his fist through Boyd’s chest. It was one of those rare moments where a modern Viking reminded the fan base of the purple people eater soul of Vikings past. So, yes, more Anthony Barr please.

Breeland Has a Tummy Ache

On the flip side, Bashaud Breeland continued his normal ways. He’s was sick and couldn’t play, and then he wasn’t sick and could play. Breeland’s specialty is laying on the field after giving up a big play. The polar opposite of Anthony Barr, Breeland brings Italian soccer team levels of drama onto the gridiron.

Dalvin Sees Dead People

It’s great news for Vikings fans that apparently no one has told Dalvin Cook that he’s a Viking. This guy has no visible signs of pain on his face, consistently delivers world class performances, and usually isn’t there when the real bad stuff happens. It’s almost like Dalvin is in a M. Night Shyamalan film where he hasn’t yet realized he’s the only one who isn’t dead yet.

We For Sure Aren’t Doing Dad Jokes Anymore, But If We Did . . .

While noticing that Cameron Dantzler has a reindeer name, we admit that we hoped Steelers backup quarterback Mason Rudolph would get in the game so that Rudolph could get hit by Dantzler on a corner Blitzen. It didn’t happen, but would have been cool if it did.

It’s the Bears next, on Monday night. No one better let go of that shock button. It’s time to feel it all! The spirit horse is coming! The spirit horse is coming!

SKÖLIOSIS Week 14—Vikings 36, Steelers 28.