SKÖLIOSIS Week 12—49ers 34 Vikings 26.

Kirk Cousins Hates Winning

Kirk Cousins is probably one of those guys that’s constantly turning the thermostat back down. Not because he likes it cold, but because he is thrifty. Clearly his preferred temp is anything below 50 degrees. It is well known that Kirk is a frugal guy, continuing to drive his GMC Savana passenger van well past 100,000 miles - a van that he bought from his grandma for $5,000 despite being a multi-millionaire. Although my guess is he actually paid $4,999. Because Kirk Cousins can’t stand anything above .500. In fact, it seems he couldn’t stand that the Vikings were finally at .500 so much that he pulled a Cameron Frye and Ferris Bueller odometer rollback move and got our Vikings bandwagon back below .500.

On Sunday our 5-5 (.500%) Vikings had a chance to go ABOVE a 50% winning record for the first time this year, while at the same time Kirk Cousins had a chance to get his career record to a perfect .500 at 59-59-2 with a win. The symmetry was too perfect. It was like a game within a game, like watching to see if the little DVD icon could land perfectly in the corner.

Somehow, in amazing irony, Kirk just needed to beat the 49ers to get to .500%. To get above 49% up to 50%. Maybe his lining up just right of center was his way of telling all of us - “Guys, I like things leaning a little to the right. I like my losses column just a little bit higher than my win column”. Or maybe his fascination with keeping everything around 49% is his way of sending a secret DaVinci code to his former QB coach Kyle Shanahan to let him know he secretly bleeds 49er % red and is ready to make the move any time. It’s Kirk's secret Carol Burnett ear tug homage. Speaking of Carol Burnett, does anyone happen to know what weird fantasy dreams about her movie character in the movie Annie means? Do they signify something? Asking for a friend.

So instead, Kirk seemingly used a clock stoppage spike throw on an attempt to a wide open Justin Jefferson on a two point conversion, lined up off center on a 4th and goal opportunity, and did a 4 and out on our final drive - all aiding on his quest to lower the thermostat and get the Vikes back to 5-6 and his career record back to a 58-60-2. His world is “right” again. Good for you Kirk.

Sous Chef

Adding injury to insult, Dalvin Cook went down with another shoulder injury and had to be carted off the field with the team mad scientist, whom I must know more about.

Has he figured out time travel? Did he install a flux capacitor into the injury cart? Is he the one that actually performed the cloning experiment on Dalvin to produce his Sous Chef Doppelgänger Alexander Mattison that is such a dead ringer the product crew can’t even tell the difference?

All I know, is that while we are bummed Dalvin will be sidelined indefinitely, we are excited to see some more of this rookie from Iowa State - Kene Nwangwu - who indeed sounds like he might be a fancy grass fed steak. Let’s hope people people like their steaks electric, with 2 Kick-Return TD’s in 4 games, Kene seems primed for some big things ahead.