SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 14: Cousin’s Enddy? — Vikings 42 Falcons 21
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Unchained Melody
Santa Cuz came to town this past weekend. Yep, the Purple’s prodigal son showed up in his ironed Kohl’s khakis, parked his RV, Cousin Eddie style, and looked to make US Bank Stadium his home for the holidays once more. A homecoming none of us were necessarily looking forward to as us Purple faithful look to build a new life without him, and the last thing we needed was Cousin Kirkie dumping his sh*t down our street gutters and blowing up our latest 5 game win streak.
But let’s be real for a minute, Kirk will forever be a part of our Purple family after a six year stint that was mostly positive. With his 50-37-1 regular season record he delivered us a baker's dozen more wins than losses. Captain Kirk delivered us several entertaining games, including the epic victory in Buffalo featuring Justin Jefferson's immaculate one handed catch, as well as the largest NFL comeback in NFL history with the 39-36 win over the Colts. A game where we had fallen behind 33-0 in the first half.
Kirk always kept the offense electric enough to keep our fandom lights on, to keep us satiated in a way that we kept coming back for more. Inevitably though, come playoff time, all we ever got was our stockings filled with lumps of coals (damn that man loves his Kohls), as Kirk only delivered us a single playoff game win in his six year tenure. Yep, one measly playoff win, despite making $185 million over that time. Sure Kirk is a swell guy, but who could blame us for wanting more for our money?
Last season, Kevin O’Connell sought to free us from Kirko’s chains of Christmas past. KOC, wanting to finally deliver us the Clark Griswold perfect NFL season we deserve, let the Falcons steal Kirk in a White Elephant gift exchange, and apparently used the savings to look elsewhere for a cheap Charlie Brown tree (The Ginger Jesus, Sam Darnold) he could surround with some fancy ornaments and make into a viable Christmas QB that maybe, just maybe, can potentially get us more than that “plus 1 invitation” to the NFL playoff holiday party.
Ginger Jesus
What child is this? Behold a QB savior was born. We three kings, yada yada yada. We're not saying Sammy Darnold’s QB conception was necessarily a miracle, because we are sure he has two human parents that like sex as much as the rest of us (cover your ears, Sammy). But Darnold’s resurrection story certainly has some touches of divinity. It’s a story reminiscent of the old classic Lily Tomlin movie The Incredible Shrinking Woman, where her character was shrunk down to microscopic levels before being miraculously saved by a shopping cart accident that spilled a concoction of hairsprays and random household chemicals puddled on the floor that she fell into and that somehow grew her back to regular size. This seems to be the similar miracle story of Sam Darnold. A man seemingly shrunken down by years spent on putrid teams, before Kevin O’Connell threw some of his magic chemicals on him (eh, maybe we shouldn’t say it that way?), and Sam is back thriving at regular size.
All we know is that we didn’t expect this. But with each passing week we have been regrowing our atrophied souls along with Sam. Our years of broken trust and optimism, finally growing back as Vikings fans learn to believe again.
So there we were this past Sunday riding again with the Ginger Jesus, watching as he led his versions of the Vikes into a week 14 battle with Kirk. Sammy was seeking his 11th win of the season and a possible playoff clinch if the Rams were to lose. Incidentally, this was nearly 2 years to the very week that Kirk Cousins captured his very own 11th win (also in his first year under KOC) when Kirk rallied the Vikes to the aforementioned 39-36 win comeback win over the Colts to punch his playoff ticket that year. A game in which Kirk threw for 460 yards and 4 TDs. Giving Sam’s comeback this week on the anniversary of Kirk’s Comeback some nice synergy. The NFL gods are savvy.
Could Sammy one up Cousins’ feat, and do it via going head to head against his predecessor to boot? Do messiahs have beards? Of course, after a season of laying out the christmas lights and making sure all the connections were snug, that all his Jefferson and Addison bulbs were fresh and ready to go, Sammy finally put it all together at once and lit up US Bank Stadium brighter than it’s been lit in 20 years, throwing the first 5 TD game since Daunte Culpepper, and dishing up 42 points, the most in the Kevin O’Connell era btw. Oh Come All Ye Faitful!!
Ray Ray McCloudy with a Chance of Footballs
The game seemed destined for a shootout, and mostly was. When Sammy tossed his 4th TD pass to give the Vikes a 28-21 lead early in the 4th we expected Cousins to quickly counter. Luckily the McClouds parted and a Ray Ray of sunshine peaked through in the form of a fumble off the ensuing kickoff, by Ray Ray McCloud himself, which gave the ball right back to our Vikings before Cousins could get his chance to counter.
Also, can we talk about Ray Ray McClouds cartoon headshot? This thing was amazing!! I mean, what’s even going on here? When it first popped up on my TV screen I thought some of my TV pixels were burning out like strands of christmas lights. I think that hair consumes the light from stars. When Ray Ray takes his helmet off we imagine his hair will explode outward like the limbs of the Griswold Christmas tree after Clark snips the twine unleashing the fury and crashing through the windows and flinging Clark up against the wall.
Staying on theme, Ray Ray’s hair most definitely has a squirrel living in it, right? Anyway, here is to hoping either Microsoft or Google or Amazon signs this guy as their cloud spokesman, cause nothing escapes that cloud of hair. Well, except fumbled footballs right when we need them of course. And maybe squirrels.
Anyway, it was great to see Sammy get in the holiday spirit and go for the Falcons’ jugular immediately after the fumble, adding another TD that would put Cousins down two touchdowns and cause him to press into his second INT of the game, and his 8th over his last 4 games, all losses. Will that spell Cousins Endy to his starting role in Atlanta? We can’t answer that. But we love the INT gifts he delivered as they provided another edition to the best subplot of the Vikings season…
Dreaming of a White Chicks-mas
Yeah, the Cam Bynum and Josh Mettelus dance celebration show is turning into must watch TV. Even non-football fans and Tiktok followers are getting on the Purple bandwagon because of the elaborately choreographed dances by this duo. They are the beer chaser that comes with a bloody mary. The stocking stuffer after all the Christmas presents are opened. The extra metal can of chocolate shake that comes with the chocolate shake.
And we would love nothing more than to see this duo get their chance to perform on the big stage in New Orleans. A side dish to the Super-Bowl half time show.
Yeah, we are dreaming of a White Chick-mas. So let’s shake that ghost of Vikings past once and for all.
God Bless Us, Everyone.
Epilogue: Donate to a Good Cause
Please don’t forget to join us in donating to the National Skoliosis Foundation after each Viking win.
Join us in donating @ https://www.scoliosis.org/donate/
SKOL!!
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