SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 10:Flore-Da Man Strikes Again!! — Vikings 12 Jaguars 7
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
If you haven’t heard of it, there is a whole Twitter account named @_FloridaMan that gathers “Real-life stories of the world’s worst superhero.” Which isn’t actually a singular man at all of course, but an amalgamation of many really bad men in Florida making insane headlines with various Floridian antics that can only happen in Florida, it would seem. (And yes, I know it is not called Twitter anymore, but I’m never calling you X, just like I’m never calling you “Mom” either Bernice. You will always only be dad’s dumb girlfriend!). Anyway, while there may not be an actual “Florida Man,” we can at least confirm Brian Flores is Da Man, which we shall shorten to “Flore-Da Man” hence forward. Please make a mental note of it.
So, with that, on Sunday, Flore-Da Man’s anti-hero tour continued, ravaging its way through Jacksonville like a tropical storm and causing any offensive game plans in the area to seek shelter for 60 minutes. Even the Vikings offense seemed to struggle with Hurricane Flo in the area, with Darnold hearing voices (Bad Sam! Bad Sam!) and seeing ghosts while throwing 3 picks, two in the red zone, as if he was a coast guardsman flinging life preservers to drowning Jaguar players. Perhaps after years stuck on the Jets and Panthers, Darnold has a soft spot for opponents stuck in crappy organizations, but someone needs to give Sam the airline stewardess speech about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. We have a long-suffering organization here in Minnesota to save first, Sam. Let’s get our priorities straight.
Meanwhile, Sunday’s game could potentially have been billed as the battle of two Florida Prodigal Sons. Mac Jones on one side, born and raised in Jacksonville, getting his first start replacing an injured Trevor Lawrence. Which would be Mac’s first start in over a year after being tossed aside by the Patriots. On the other side, our own Brian Flores, former Head Coach of the Miami Dolphins, returning to the state that unceremoniously tossed him aside because, well, they just might be racist. Hey, don’t yell at me, the courts are literally still deciding. In the end though, “The Return of The Mac (Jones)” effort felt more akin to Lt. Dan’s recent viral fame of trying to survive Hurricane Milton in his shitty sailboat. Both survived their outings, but in Mac’s case there will be no cigar celebration this time.
As amazing as the Legend of Flore-Da Man is becoming here in Minnesota, the one thing we can learn from the real Florida Man stories, is that Flores’ legend is also an amalgamation of many bad men. His 11 men on defense to be exact. So, let’s honor some of those individuals' exploits, Florida Man style…
Florida Man Exacts Revenge on Local Petting Zoo Zebra
It’s easy to understand why the NFL might not like Flore-Da Man, he is suing them after all. But why they have chosen to take it out on Sam Darnold is a mystery we have yet to fully understand. Three weeks in a row now the Zebras have turned a literal blind eye onto poor Sammy as he has been nearly decapitated twice via defensemen, both leading to defensive scores, and now this week letting one of Sam’s three interceptions stand despite the ball pretty clearly touching the ground. Yep, the NFL hates Sam Darnold. Or perhaps they are just using him to get to Flores, like the proverbial horse’s head in the bed. But after that tactic appeared not to deter Flores’ Defense, the zebras took a more direct approach in daring to call Blake Cashman (one of Flores’ primary enforcers) for a facemask penalty during the Jaguars final drive of the game. Yes, it was definitely a face mask, but calling us on the same call the refs mysteriously missed the previous two weeks in a critical moment seemed like adding insult to injury. Luckily Cashman is a bad dude and got right back up on that horse, or in this case zebra, with an immediate QB hurry that resulted in a game ending interception. Take that zebras and NFL script writers. Nothing keeps Flore-Da Man’s defense down. Side note, googling “Florida Man, Sacks, Cash Man and Facemasks” provides a lot of results . . .
Anyway, it was clearly great to have Blake Cashman back after a few week hiatus with Turf Toe. In fact, he might just be this Defenses Sergeant Hulka, our “Big Toe”, so let’s keep Blake out on that turf. Good things happen when we do.
Florida Man Uses Ray Gun on Jaguar
It's hard to imagine what Cam Bynum’s been thinking the last few weeks as the Vikings brass seemingly are trading for anyone or anything named CAM lately. First, they drafted for Cam Akers, picking him back up from the Houston Texans to add depth to our Running Back room after Aaron Jones strained his hip. A week or so later then trading for Cam Robinson from the Jaguars to fill in at Tackle after losing Darrisaw to season ending injury. One can imagine Cam Newton giddily watching Darnold tossing life preservers Sunday afternoon left and right, probably calling his agent after each pick, “any calls yet? You did remind them my name is Cam right?” Kwesi Adofo-Mensah’s Amazon Shopping Cart is for sure filled with “Dash Cams and Pet Cam’s”?
Some of us were wondering why the Vikings were so suddenly enamored with all things named Cam until Cam Bynum’s game clinching interception, and more importantly game defining celebration that recreated Australia’s Raygun’s epic Olympic Break Dance performance which in a lot of ways summed up our Vikings offensive performance Sunday. We can only hope next week he recreates the French Pole-Vaulter celebration and starts knocking down passes with his “manhood,” if you know what we mean.
Florida Man Marries Football to Gain Winning Citizenship
Okay, well maybe Harrison Phillips didn’t marry a football exactly, but he certainly seemed to get quite intimate with it, scooping it up after Mac Jones mishandled a snap and smothering it with all of his body weight.
Soon after the fumble recovery that led to another Viking field goal, a ball boy was seen writing in Sharpie on the ball and stowing it away in the souvenir box or whatever they call the special chest teams put milestone balls into. Presumably this was because Harrison Phillips wanted to keep this particular Wilson football to commemorate the recovery. While he probably doesn’t love it so much that he actually wants to “marry it,” we couldn’t help wondering if hypothetically the football would change its name to Mrs. Wilson Phillips if he did. Anyway, you go ahead and “HOLD ON” to that ball, Mr. Phillips, don’t let her get away, because the fumble recovery was key to helping the Purple “HOLD ON” to victory. Not to mention, the lyrics to Wilson Phillips number one hit could prove to be a key mantra for us here at Skölisios, and words for Vikings fans to live by:
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye
Until then, baby, are you going to let 'em hold you down and make you cry?
Don't you know?
Don't you know, things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold... on for one more day
Can you hold... on for one more day?
Things'll go your way...
Hold on for one more day
Florida Man Steals Man’s Job and Pretend Girlfriend in Same Weekend
Speaking of new football wives and girlfriends, welcome to the Purple John Parker Romo and the inevitable fame and rumors that come along with being the Vikings latest stud kicker. Will Reichard, our rookie phenom kicker, who was perfect on the season until pulling up lame last week with two missed kicks and a pulled quadriceps that opened the door for John Parker Romo to join the team in emergency duty. Which is perfect really, because we needed all the first responders we could get to help with the cleanup from Hurricane Flo. John Parker Romo came through in spades going a perfect 4 for 4 and scoring all 12 points for the Vikings on Sunday. And it’s already paying dividends.
While we aren’t sure if Will Reichard is exactly sweating losing his starting position when he comes back, we do wonder if he is sweating being dethroned from the Sydney Sweeney rumors. Our only advice to young Will is to just watch your back as you can never trust anyone with three names. Just sayin…
Actually, come to think of it, is Flore-Da Man three names??? He is a bad man. Would make sense.
Epilogue: Donate to a Good Cause
Please don’t forget to join us in donating after each Viking win to the National Scoliosis Foundation. Although admittedly we are still trying to figure out how much, and what our rules for donating are. Last week we donated $10 for each TD scored ($30 total) in the Purple’s winning effort over the Colts, 21-10. But this week the Vikes had zero TD’s in the win over the Jaguars, so that puts us in bit of a pickle. Instead, we’ll be donating $10 for each turnover Flore-Da Man’s D produced. But you know, you just do you.
Join us in donating @ https://www.scoliosis.org/donate/
SKOL!!
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