SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 11: Bizarro on Broadway — Vikings 23 Titans 13
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Turning Sad Country into Radio Country
If you’ve been a Vikings fan long enough, you know it’s akin to a sad country song. We’ve all seen the Purple fall short enough times to make us feel like our pickup truck has a flat tire, our lady left us, and our dog died.
Which made it that much more intriguing to see Vikings fans travel in mass to Music City last Sunday to watch the 2024 Vikings attempt to shift gears from sad country to radio country. Sure, we might have Jordan “Fast Car” Addison, and we’re not about to change Justin Jefferson’s nickname from “Jet” to “Judd” just yet, but there are some parallels.
Defensive coordinator Brian Flores would be the Vikings resident outlaw country star. He dresses in black, and his defense is systematically getting opposing coaches fired like each Sunday is a shootout at the O.K. Corral. In fact, Coach Flores would probably look great standing on the sidelines in a headset and duster.
Aaron Jones has been swerving like George Jones this season and toss a flat brim on Harrison Smith and he’d sure look a lot like Parker McCollum as he says “Burn it Down” to opposing quarterbacks each week.
These are still our Vikings, so we can’t expect a season full of margaritas and jeans that fit just right every Sunday, but with an 8-2 record, sitting 2nd in the NFC North, the 2024 Vikings season has had more in common with Luke Bryan than Zach Bryan.
About that Elvis Anagram
Any discussion about Bizarro Broadway this past weekend must include the Titans pumped-up quarterback, Will Levis. It’s no coincidence that LEVIS is an anagram for ELVIS, another legend with country chops even if he hails from that other town in Tennessee, Memphis.
Will Levis is something. We’re not sure it’s a good thing, but it’s a something. You don’t usually see a hulked up cross-fit instructor playing quarterback in the NFL. Will Levis has veins! Will Levis seems like he’d use ChatGPT to help him on the Wonderlic.
It’s okay to admit it, there’s just something capital D-bag about Mr. Levis, isn’t there? Levis seems like a guy who would arrive at Nissan Stadium with the same cringy fanfare Jake Paul pulled into his Netflix fight with riding in the convertible. Except when Levis drops back his progressions look more like Tyson biting his boxing gloves as he eventually just decides to huck it downfield and flex after another three and out.
If Baker Mayfield is doing ZYN on the sidelines, Will Levis for sure has a vape tucked into his wristband.
Operation Eberflus
We predicted the Vikings would go 3-0 as they strolled down easy street on their way to the Big Easy picking up victories over Indianapolis, Jacksonville, and Tennessee. This week the Vikings turn the page from Will Levis puffing on his douche-flute to Operation Eberflus.
If you listen closely, you can hear Brian Flores spinning his six-shooter, swinging open the saloon doors to his defensive meetings, drooling at the prospect of Caleb Williams chewing his painted fingernails as he tries to decode what the Vikings defense is throwing at him.
The Vikings may convert some Bears fans this weekend if we can be the final nail in Head Coach Matt Eberflus’ coffin. All Eberflus has done this season is step on rakes, and a lopsided loss to the Purple could have him crying in his beer with the rest of our victims.
Turning the Dial
Do a quick search of the “Ten Most Famous Country Songs” on Google, and it sure sounds a lot like being a Viking fan. We have “Friends in Low Places” knowing how important it is to “Stand by Your Man” whether it’s the new Sam Darnold, or the old one.
With six games left in the regular season, Vikings fans have their hands firmly on the radio dial. The choice is the same one we make every season, deciding to believe even if it might make it hurt more.
Some will stop short, deciding not to invest fully because the scar tissue is too thick. They’ll make like the aforementioned George Jones, turning off their purple hearts while singing along to “He Stopped Loving Her Today.”
But that’s no fun, now, is it? Which is why we’re changing the station, turning up the volume, and heading to Chicago. We leave Bizarro Broadway choosing a different country song for the 2024 Vikings season, a gem from Mr. Tim McGraw, “Live Like You Were Dyin’.” Because, well, we probably are. Yeah, we definitely are. Just not yet.
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