SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 2: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK— Vikings 23 Niners 17
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
R.I.P. Darth Vader
James Earl Jones died on September 9, 2024. You may know him better as Darth Vader.
What does this have to do with our 2-0 Minnesota Vikings? Sköliosis believes it has a lot to do with our hot start. Let’s begin with the easy stuff. All you have to do is look at the box score to see the dark side has been at work for the Purple this season. Aaron “James Earl” Jones left the rebel alliance to join the purple this season chipping in 68 all-purpose yards against San Francisco. That is some real Yoda in the swamp level turncoat to come over from rival Green Bay to the dark side in Minnesota.
But why stop there? Did we mention that Pat “James Earl” Jones II continued his evil ways with 5 tackles, 2 solo, and two sacks this Sunday? If you listen closely, you can almost hear Vader’s deep breathing coming over the U.S. Bank Stadium sound system. Hoo Pah. Hoo Pah.
Justin “Jet” Jefferson even provided his own personal Millennium Falcon impression with a 97-yard touchdown as the stars blurred around the Niner secondary as he kicked it into hyper speed. Even U.S. Bank Stadium itself has an eerie similarity to an Imperial ship straight out of Star Wars.
Brian Flores Is The Anti-Hero We Need
Even Taylor Swift knows anti-heroes have more fun. Tony Soprano. Dexter. Doctor Hannibal Lecter. Hamlet. Walter White. And . . .Darth Vader reincarnated, Vikings defensive coordinator Brian Flores.
Why settle for good cop bad cop, when you can just have a badass bad cop like Flores running your defense? When Flores was in New England, they literally referred to his defense as “the boogeymen,” and it’s clear he’s giving offenses fits again with the Vikings this season.
Brock Purdy is 14-2 against NFC teams in his career. His two losses? Both to the Purple Purdy Eaters with a Flores-led defense sending Purdy into concussion protocol last year, before sacking him six times this Sunday.
A few weeks back, we drafted the Vikings defense on a lark in the last round of our fantasy football draft not because we thought they were going to be good, we just wanted to have a rooting interest in the Purple. And while they may not be the top defense in the NFL just yet, they’re top of the charts in fantasy football defense and special teams rankings.
If Brian Flores has a football fantasy, we promise you it’s a dark one. So much so that recent reports of how he mistreated former quarterback Tua Tagovailoa sound more like the Joker than the Dark Knight. Tua outed Flores for being a mean QB bully. And what happens to Tua this week? He gets knocked out, maybe for good. Was it another concussion, or Flores using his Force Choke on him for speaking up?
Maybe the Vikings needed a little evil on our side of the field. Tortured Vikings fans have spent far too many seasons watching the Vikings put together hopeful regular seasons only to turn into a cuddly purple Barney in the playoffs. That shouldn’t be the case anymore, as it’s clear Flores considers football a whatever-it-takes war, more purple heart than dancing dinosaur.
As we sing “On Eagles Wings” for James Earl, it’s obvious that Brian Flores has become the Vikings Darth Vader. Brian Flores is a bad man. Brian Flores is an evil mastermind. Brian Flores is the man who knocks. Our own personal Keyser Söze (hey, those two dots over the “o” sure look familiar).
Episode V Is The Best One
Not to mention any proper Star Wars fan knows, Episode V The Empire Strikes Back is the best of all the Star Wars movies. It’s also a movie where the bad guys win, a rarity in Hollywood. Think about it, The Empire Strikes Back had us all leaving the theater with Han Solo still frozen in Carbonite, Luke Skywalker’s hand cut off, and Darth Vader still cruising around footloose and fancy free.
We can only hope James Earl Jones and Star Wars will pave the path for the Vikings this season. As I’m pretty sure this exhausted fan base would be perfectly fine channeling the dark side with the bad guys . . . as long as we get to win.
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