SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 8: THE BIG EASY— Rams 30 Vikings 20
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
You know you missed a call as a referee when people are turning the Sam Darnold facemask into Halloween costumes.
But if we’re being honest here as true Vikings fans, I know you went through the exact same thought process these last two weeks as we did:
You had the sneaking suspicion we were going to get completely blown out against the Lions and Rams. Like one of our famous games against the Giants (42 Donut). Detroit was going to be revealed as the class of the NFC North, and maybe entire NFL, and our Purple were going to be reduced to Passtronaut2.0 frauds.
You also had a nagging thought in the back of your minds that despite the 5-0 start, the games against Detroit and LA were going to be such a trauma inducing events that it would start the downward spiral that would have the Vikings finishing the season in the cellar of the NFC North as all of the experts had predicted.
Well, well, well. Turns out this edition of the Purple is a little bit different than the past now, doesn’t it? Both games were close. Thursday night was a big boy football game, and we were in it to the end, and were it not for the missed facemask, who knows?
While we know the only truly safe way to watch the Vikings is through your neighbor’s window (ideally with a weighted blanket on your lap), this week Sköliosis is going to provide a little medicine to keep you happy. Think of this week’s column as your own personal light therapy lamp, a jazz funeral for your darkest thoughts.
Because you probably haven’t checked, but the Super Bowl is in New Orleans this year—that’s right, the big game is in the big easy!
And if you’re staring down the Vikings schedule the next few weeks, it looks like the big easy too as we get to play the Colts, Jaguars, and Titans. It’s time to pop those purple pills and start taking care of business.
If those cupcake non-conference matchups don’t set you at ease that the Vikings trip to the big easy starts with the big easy portion of their schedule, here are 4 more reasons to relax and stop listening to those pesky voices inside your head.
MATT STAFFORD IS A GANGSTER THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO
We all heard the weird trade rumors last week that the Rams wanted to trade Stafford for Sam Darnold straight up. Who in the hell knows where this rumor came from, probably the same folks involved with Richard Gere’s gerbil. But we all processed it. Kevin O’Connell used to work with Sean McVay, and the Rams had done something similar trading a fresh-from-the-Super Bowl Jared Goff for Stafford previously.
We all took in this info, and it’s okay to admit we were totally fine with a Darnold for Stafford trade. Sign me up for that!
Why? Well, for starters Matt Stafford played 12 years in Detroit. He played 12 years in Detroit! Hell, this guy should have two teardrop face tattoos for surviving that death sentence. Dude is an animal. He’s 36 years old, and you still wouldn’t trust this stud to be your pool boy in the summer. His teeth are white, and he still can sling it like the Favre-style gunslingers we grew up watching.
But here is the real thing about Matt Stafford, he’s a gamer. If you want to beat this guy, you have to put a stake through his heart and wear a garlic necklace. Maybe Stafford is more like Die Hard, you might have to kill him twice just to be safe. To beat Stafford, you need to empty the entire chamber, and while the Vikings did their best on Thursday night, with Stafford slinging it to a cruiserweight version of Jason Momoa, Puka Nacua, it was just too much. So, we give ourselves a pass.
Also, Matt Stafford would look so good in a puka shell necklace. . . just sayin.
SAM DARNOLD HAS MORE VOICES IN HIS HEAD THAN VIKINGS FANS DO
Can you imagine being Sam Darnold? Dude was passed around like the Old Maid after being drafted in the first round. Then he’s reborn this season with a 5-0 start. But you know deep down inside his brain is like the script to Fight Club, and he doesn’t know he’s both people yet. Every time he looks at the Microsoft Surface on the sideline it must be creepy to be around:
Darnold: I’m bad Sam Darnold! It’s happening again!
Vikings Coach: Sam, we talked about this. You’re good Sam Darnold now, you don’t have to worry about bad Sam coming back.
Darnold: But he’s here. He’s inside me. I’m him.
Vikings Coach: Have some Gatorade.
Darnold: How can I be both bad Sam Darnold and good Sam Darnold? Can’t bad Sam come back at any time? I’m starting to see ghosts.
Vikings Coach: It’s Halloween, it’s nothing. You’re fine.
In fact, the best thing the Vikings could probably do for Sam Darnold is create an alter-ego for him. They should start calling him “Nitro” or “Red” or something cool, otherwise he’s always going to be chasing his shadow.
YOUNG BUD
Is it just us, or is there an eerie similarity between Kevin O’Connell and legendary Vikings coach Bud Grant?
O’Connell has brought nothing but youthful energy and positivity since joining the franchise, and while we’re not huge into reincarnation, if you were making a bio-pic film on the life of Bud Grant, you could probably cast O’Connell to play the part of young Bud.
And while Grant never won the coveted Lombardi trophy, I think most Vikings fans would be pretty happy just to see the team play in a Super Bowl in our lifetime. Maybe Young Bud has the DNA we need to finally get us through those dreaded NFC Championship games.
HOCK TUA
Not only do the Vikings have a 21-day cupcake walk of the Colts, Jags, and Titans, they just activated tight end T.J. Hockenson off the IR, and he’s eligible to play this weekend. Hock Tua! The Vikings already have a considerable offensive arsenal with good Sam “Red” Darnold, Justin “Jet” Jefferson, Aaron Jones, and Jordan “Sleep Number” Addison—and now they add some great hands and serious flow with Hockenson.
Perfect timing to add a little more lube to the big easy part of the schedule with Hock Tua back in the lineup. Spit on that thing! The road to the big easy, goes through the big easy. Buckle up! Or don’t, and just put your hands up and enjoy the ride.
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