THE OMG-LYMPICS
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The 2024 Olympics must have received the memo. If you want TV ratings you’ll have to compete with the high-octane, edgy and provocative shows the likes of Netflix, Hulu and HBO Max. The only thing more intense than the athletes' training regimens are these scenes worthy of a TV-MA rating.
Setting the Table
Let’s start with the Opening Ceremonies. Without getting too political, this spectacle was more provocative than any TV show’s opening credits we’ve ever witnessed. A few of the moments included a be-headed singer, the fourth horseman of the apocalypse, and a controversial drag-inspired Last Supper. That latter moment, in particular, even included (depending on your ability to pinch and zoom) a Where’s Waldo of nut sacks. A prank any frat boy would be proud to pull off. Yes, the opening ceremony has set the tone, preparing viewers for the wild and dramatic content that would keep them binge-watching like an episodic thriller.
Shake Your Rump
We’re not sure what’s up with the weather pattern in Paris, but never have we seen this many moons during the Olympics. Starting with sand volleyball; just as we were about to file a formal complaint about the trend of long pants, the dreary skies cleared, revealing the beautiful double waxing gibbous of Team Spain. And then there’s German Surfer, Tim Elter. Being a competitive Olympian, he obviously was not about to settle for a butt-cheek-bronze. After getting washed ashore during his event, Tim lost his shorts, flashed the world the pale side of his moon, and set the stage for the first ever coloscopy-by-internet.
Full-Package Pole Vault
In keeping with the current trend of flashing schlongs on streaming TV shows, (is thirty wangs in one episode necessary, Euphoria?) let’s get into the most provocative scene of the summer, and no we’re not talking about the French diver with the huge rudder, Jules Bouyer. This is a different French prick, and it belongs to French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati, who apparently was carrying his back up pole in his pants when it knocked down the crossbar. That’s right, his one-eyed, mini-Olympian slammed down on the bar as if it were in gold-medal Greco-Roman wrestling match of its own. Ammirati has not only caught the attention of millions of DVR rewinding women, but an adult content company has offered him a quarter-million dollars to see his one-of-a-kind Fosbury Flop.
The Skilled Assassin
The 2024 Olympics sharpshooting event also featured a real-life action hero in Turkey’s Yusuf Dikec —dubbed 'The real John Wick' by the internet. While his competitors sported full ear protection and tactical eyewear reminiscent of something from Bruce Wayne’s Batcave, Dikec, in true assassin form, called no attention to himself. Apparently, all he needed was a pair of glasses from LensCrafters, perhaps taking advantage of their 50% off frames offer. With ice in his veins, a casual hand in his pocket and zero fucks to give, he blasted his way to second place in the Olympics—and first on Craigslist, under the category of Turkish Hitmen.
Raunchy Comedy
There’s nothing better than a raunchy comedy, and while Snoop Dogg has given us great moments in everything from his equestrian outfit to commentary on the steeplechase, our favorite comedic moment was one from behind the scenes. That’s when an awkward swimming official, wearing a colorful flower-print Speedo, and resembling an SNL Will Farrell sketch, paused the action and dove into the water to retrieve a rogue swim cap. We know the bikini cut is acceptable in Europe, but for us Americans there’s nothing more hilarious than a pale, pear-shaped man in tiny trunks.
Let’s Get Physical Therapy
First of all, why is 3x3 basketball in the Olympics? And secondly, how does team USA suck so bad by losing five of seven games? These are two questions we’ll never know. But what we do know is when men’s player Jimmer Fredette sat injured on the sideline and a trainer gave him a straight up over-the-pants handy live on TV—this is no longer Jim McKay’s Olympic Games. Forget Primetime in Paris. We’re now watching Cinemax After Dark.
Must See TV
We’re not taking anything away from these amazing athletes and their achievements. Watching the thrilling competition has been exciting. But now, adding in equally captivating and sometimes salacious side-action adds a new layer of binge-worthy intrigue. Who knows, maybe next year they’ll create a dating show on Netflix titled: Love in the Olympic Village.
