Wallen Vs. Church—Tale of the Tape.
Saturday night at U.S. Bank Stadium was a country music turduken. It was a grilled cheese, served on Texas toast, with bacon and a side of truffle fries. Morgan Wallen AND Eric Church? Playing together, on one bill? Four plus hours of in-their-prime, hit making, sing-along country music. WTF!
Every mother and daughter from Chaska Chan to Minnetonka and Apple Valley put the yoga pants away for the night and slipped into a sundress, boots, and straw hat for this 20-gallon double-stuffed Stetson of a country music Big Mac.
To be clear, while they never shared the stage or played a song together at Saturday night’s show, there doesn’t appear to be any palpable animosity between Morgan Wallen and Eric Church. In fact, Wallen credits attending an Eric Church concert as his inspiration to become a singer himself. That said, there were plenty of Morgan Wallen fans in attendance Saturday that didn’t even know Eric Church was also playing the bill, and vice versa. It was country music’s version of Dre and Snoop, as the older folks tolerated Wallen entertaining their kids—and the younger country fans were drunk enough by the time Church started his set to stick around too.
While we know Saturday night was far from a honkytonk heavyweight title fight, we thought it might be fun to treat it like it was. So while Wallen and Church weren’t duking it out at U.S. Bank, this article is going to score the matchup like they were. We will award a total of 10 points across 10 categories, with only one winner leaving town wearing that prized 20-Gallon Stetson.
FIST PUMP—EDGE WALLEN
CURRENT SCORE: WALLEN 1 CHURCH 0
Not since Tiger Woods has there been a fist pump as glorious as the closed paw of one Morgan Cole Wallen. While Wallen was clearly the opening act Saturday night, his energy was infectious as he alternated fist pumps and enough chest thumps to make Matthew McConaughey’s character in The Wolf of Wall Street blush. Hopefully someone from the Fed was in attendance, as it would appear the Morgan Wallen fist pump might be capable of single handedly (see what we did there) ending inflation while simultaneously stoking consumer confidence. With any luck there is already a task force creating giphs, emojis, bitmojis, and memes of the Wallen fist pump as we speak. We’d all be better for it.
LOVE MAKING SONG—EDGE CHURCH
CURRENT SCORE: WALLEN 1 CHURCH 1
If you’re looking to hang a sock on your door and get busy between the sheets, you’d be hard pressed to find sexier soundtracks than Church’s “Like a Wrecking Ball” and Wallen setlist staple, “Cover Me Up.” Whether you “leave your boots by the bed . . .’Til someone needs medical help” or want to “find out what that house is made of “ because it’s “gonna be shakin,’” with these two booty-ballads to choose from, it’s clear no one is going out to chop wood.
While Wallen fans love his version of “Cover Me Up,” the edge here goes to Church because “Like a Wrecking Ball” is Church’s song, he wrote it. Pretty tough to get the girl to “hang your dress out to dry” when you didn’t even write the love lyrics in the first place. No, “Cover Me Up” was not written by Wallen. It was written by perhaps the best living American songwriter of our time—Mr. Jason Isbell. The fact that only a sliver of people in attendance on Saturday know that is a real shame, and at some point as a singer-songwriter himself, Wallen should probably remove that song from his setlist. Or at least start acknowledging he didn’t write it. Church wins the Best Love Making Song category with a higher thread count on his silk sheets having penned “Like a Wrecking Ball” himself, while Wallen’s “Cover (Song) Me Up” is the roommate left fist-pumping outside the bedroom door, missing out on a point.
BACKING BAND—EDGE WALLEN
CURRENT SCORE: WALLEN 1.5 CHURCH 1
Maybe as a baby Eric Church was left on the doorstep of an American Legion wrapped in swaddling clothes, because the guys in his band appear to be about forty years older than him. And while as musicians they were clearly up to the task, it can be jarring to stare at a jumbotron screen and see what looks like the Max Weinberg Silver Foxes backing up a stallion in his prime like “the Chief,” Eric Church.
By contrast, Wallen had a bunch of dudes with ink and mohawks who seemed to add to his overall aesthetic. To be fair, and only mildly ageist—we’ve only docked Church a half point for having an entire band that looks like they use giant type on their cell phones and lose their “cheaters” at every tour stop. Church gets a half point back for his loyalty as we can only assume he’s been playing with these wise elders since the start.
SIDEKICK—EDGE CHURCH
CURRENT SCORE: WALLEN 1.5 CHURCH 2
Every Batman needs a Robin. Every Fey needs a Poehler. Eric Church has undeniable chemistry with backup singer Joanna Cotten. Cotten’s considerable range and stage presence recall some of the better married duos out there including Bruce Springsteen and his wife Patti Scialfa, Chris and Morgane Stapleton, and, yes, Jason Isbell and his better half Amanda Shires. While Church and Cotten aren’t a couple, if you’ve ever found yourself wondering what it would be like if Chis Stapleton and Adele had a baby—look no further than Joanna Cotten. She’s a wonderful crutch for Church to lean on as he slithers his way through his 2-hour set. Church and Cotten easily earn the point here as a dynamic duo.
COUNTRY A$$ SHIT—EDGE WALLEN
CURRENT SCORE: WALLEN 2.5 CHURCH 2
While he didn’t wear his standard sleeveless flannel on Saturday, you’d be hard pressed to find a better country music cartoon character than Morgan Wallen. He’s like Billy Ray Cyrus, if Billy Cyrus had twenty hit songs instead of just one. Family Guy would have had to create Morgan Wallen if he didn’t already exist. Wallen sings about fishing, and trucks, and drinking—and drinking, and more drinking. Yes, Church does have a song that people actually take their boots off for, but if the Country A$$ Pageant had to stand behind Church and Wallen and put the Bass Pro Shop tiara on just one of them—Wallen wins. He has a mustache, a mug shot, and a mullet. And Saturday night he had a tin in one back pocket, and a pair of panties thrown on stage in the other. We rest our case.
“ONE OF US” MINNESOTA FACTOR—EDGE WALLEN
CURRENT SCORE: WALLEN 3.5 CHURCH 2
Minnesotans love them some Minnesota. Just look around, most people that live in Minnesota are usually wearing the shape of the state somewhere on their person. Yes, the “one of us” Minnesota factor is real. Church did his best rolling out a One Hell of a Night Church X Wallen flag, but Wallen wins this category for strolling on stage late in his set wearing a Kyle Rudolph Vikings jersey and shoulder pads—for some reason. Sure #82 left for the New York Giants, but Wallen wins here with this nod to SKOAL (sorry SKOL) in the home of the Purple.
IN-EAR MONITORS—EDGE CHURCH
CURRENT SCORE: WALLEN 3.5 CHURCH 3
What, you didn’t think in-ear monitors would be a category? Well, it is. You know you’re a pro’s pro when you have gorgeous, jewelry style in-ear monitors like Eric Church. Yes, you noticed them. You just didn’t think you did. This is what happens when you’re a total master of your craft, you take details like this and you level them up to, well, the next level. Well done, Chief.
ICONIC SONGS—TIE
CURRENT SCORE: WALLEN 4 CHURCH 3.5
Both artists get a half point here having established their craft as legitimate country music hit makers. Wallen’s “865,” “Whiskey Glasses,” and “Wasted on You” are already etched into country music karaoke. While Church’s “These Boots,” “Homeboy,” and “Drink in My Hand” had the crowd holding up cups and boots before the end of the evening. If these two human jukeboxes keep doing what they’re doing, country music fans will be lining ‘em up, knocking ‘em back and filling ‘em up for years to come. Both artists earn a half point here.
ENVIRONMENT—EDGE CHURCH
CURRENT SCORE: WALLEN 4 CHURCH 4.5
Considering Wallen’s recent success, a fair question heading into Saturday night’s show would have been, “who is headlining, Church or Wallen?” U.S. Bank Stadium was the great un-equalizer here, as Wallen’s set started around 7:30 pm. Due to all the natural light in the stadium, this left Wallen effectively playing a show in total daylight. The result, at times, was to reduce him to a little spec running around the stage fist pumping unable to best leverage the screens, and light show of a marquee performance. In contrast, Church started his set at nightfall making everything feel bigger and brighter. The unique venue of U.S. Bank makes any opener feel like a trailer, as it’s only when the lights go down that things start to feel like the main event. And Saturday night, Eric Church was the one with his name in lights.
OVERALL PERFORMANCE—EDGE CHURCH
FINAL SCORE: WALLEN 4 CHURCH 5.5
While there may have been just as many Wallen fans in attendance on Saturday night, the back-to-back sets of the two artists revealed a true winner. Even Wallen’s undeniable energy, was upstaged by the seasoned assassin Church. It makes sense that seeing a Church show feels a bit like a revival—as we worship at the altar of our favorite televangelist in aviator sunglasses. If he’s lying to us, it feels so good we don’t care.
On Saturday night, Eric Church showed he’s a veteran live performer who knows how to do all the little things that make him the Chief. Whether it’s signing a boot with a Sharpie, working the stage with sidekick Cotten, shaking his legs like Elvis, or taking his sunglasses off for approximately 6-seconds each set—Church knows precisely what he’s doing up there. His experience earns Church the full point here playing Dre to Wallen’s Snoop. That said, we expect Wallen to only continue to hone his live craft, as after this weekend he likely won’t be the opening act for anyone. Because if Saturday night was any indication, both of these country music heavyweights will have their name in lights for some time to come.
