Your Drink Says A Lot About You. And It’s Not Good News.
Ahh booze. Our weekend wingman, our boating bestie. The fuel that somehow helps us to both be lazy or get crazy. Without it, dance floors would be empty, airport layovers would be unbearable and country music wouldn’t exist. We all have our favorite drink, and like it or not, it says a lot about you. But for the sake of this article, here’s just the mean stuff.
White Wine
Let’s face it, if you’re drinking white wine, you’re more than likely a lightweight over the age of 50. You’re either at a wedding and the wine is complimentary, or you’re outside on a hot day, debating on whether to have a drink or rather just cool down with a glass of ice water. So, when you do decide on that “just one” glass of chardonnay, and the alcohol hits that unexpecting bloodstream, look the hell out. Because one or two glasses will turn into three or four, which means you should have just ordered the bottle to begin with. It would have saved you the five bucks that you could have used to Uber your now drunk ass home.
Red Wine
Many drinkers, especially young ones would never consider red wine a go-to buzz tool. They see cabs, merlots, and pinots merely as sleepy candle-light dinner drinks—more salad accessory than party-fluid. Cabernet sauvignon? More like sauvi-yawn. But truth be told, many red wine aficionados are skilled liver executioners. After a swirl, sniff, and tiny sip, they give a cold-blooded nod to the waiter to deliver another fatal strike of 15% alcohol. Straight up, don’t go toe to toe with one of these vineyard villains. They’ll leave you with a blood-red stained mouth, face down in a bowl of spaghetti, just like a scene out of a Godfather movie.
Vodka Soda
Mmm vodka sodas. Or as the college kids call them: V-sodes. Look at you honey, watching your figure with the lowest calorie drink in the bar. You want to make sure all that yoga and daily starvation don’t go to waste, right? Plus, it’s mixed with water, so you’re basically hydrating the whole night. Because it’s so light and healthy, you might think it’s a good idea to start at home before you hit the town. Just do a little gluggy-glug with that 1.75 oz handle of Tito’s, mix ‘er up with a little lime Bubly and start climbing Buzz Mountain like a drunken sherpa. All good thinking until later that night when you’re back at your place, wishing you hadn’t pre-gamed. Now, you’re having to fight off the bed spins by inhaling a frozen Jack’s pizza and washing it down with a Ritz sleeve.
Tequila Soda
Tequila sodas are for people who like vodka sodas but are trying to pull a fast one on their bleeding ulcers. Like vodka drinkers you have a ton of issues, and not even a lime or splash of margarita mix can hide the fact you’re trying to drown your inner demons. Unfortunately, those demons are on an unsinkable life raft causing chaos as they make their way down the River of Anxiety into Hangover Harbor. Stop telling yourself lies like, you could be friends with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and that tequila is an upper. It’s a downer like all alcohol. Which you’ll realize when you gain consciousness, naked on your shower floor, thanks to your roommates trying to sober you up after your multiple blackout shots of Patron. Oh, but on the other hand, you just sip tequila. You know who else sips tequila? My buddy’s ex-con uncle whose last guy’s trip was to the Yulin Dog Meat Festival.
Anything with Rum
Of all the brown alcohols, rum is by far the biggest pansy. It’s like whiskey’s chicken-shit cousin that goes to bed early before things get too wild. Sure, it might remind you of sitting in the sun on a Caribbean vacation listening to steel drums, but if it’s that island buzz you crave, man up and swill some SPF 15 Tropicana sunscreen with a little grain alcohol mixed in. Even the patron saint of parrots, Jimmy Buffet, would shake his head at a rum drinker. Wait, what’s that? You drink Spiced Rum? Shiver me timbers, Captain Jack Sparrow has moved to the suburbs! Time to get three sheets to the wind an’ plunder the Kwik Trip of its two-for-one glazers, dollar scratchies, and Skoal Bandits. Dead men tell no tales.
Jack and Coke
When you make your way through a busy bar and all eyes are on you as you order, you need to come up with a drink that’s not embarrassing. Something to make the people bellied up at the bar think you’re a dangerous biker-type, even though you rolled up in a Hyundai Sonata. Jack and Coke delivers that street cred. The problem is, after about your fifth JD, you start feeling like a real tough guy—like you could be on the cover of a heavy metal album. Unfortunately, you’re more roses than you are guns and each belligerent trip back and forth to the bar has made you one pointy elbow away from going home with two black eyes. For the rest of your summer, you’ll be convincing people that your injuries were from a little league baseball foul ball and not the fact that you couldn’t hold your liquor at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Gin and Tonic
First of all, anyone who likes the flavor of tonic has something physiologically wrong with their mouth sensors. These are probably the same people who would like licking stamps or scouring the frozen food section looking for a pine-tree flavored popsicle. Either your taste buds are busted, or they’ve become deformed over time through osmosis watching your country club parents get hammered on G&Ts. And don’t try to fool yourself into thinking you’re cool because Snoop Dog rapped about Gin and Juice. No, you’ll never be in Dr. Dre’s gang of Tanqueray. Admit it, you’re an old-money drunk. You’ve probably had a drink with a pearl onion garnish—as if your church breath didn’t smell bad enough.
Jameson Ginger Ale
When you order up a Jameson, you probably see yourself in an authentic Ireland pub. Dark, dusty, with a Celtic bartender slinging whiskey and wisecracks to go along with the full-headed stouts. But, instead of being in the Emerald Isle, you’re more likely to be feeling good in your neighborhood Applebee’s. So, there you are, ordering up an irish whiskey. But as a the very sophisticated drinker you are, you try to improve on it by mixing it with a beverage from a country known for having the best soft drinks in the world—Canada, and its Canada Dry Ginger Ale. Congratulations, you’ve just reduced a whiskey drink to the cocktail equivalent of staying home sick from school and soothing your upset tummy while watching the St. Patrick’s Day Parade on TV.
Hard Seltzer
For sure someone created the first hard seltzer 20 years ago by slipping vodka into their Black Cherry New York Seltzer. It’s hard to make fun of people who drink these pocket-sized party cylinders. For one, you’re smart for hydrating when you need to sober up after a long day of drinking out in the sun. What other alcoholic beverage can you sustain for eight hours while out on the lake? Seltzers are also great if you want to trade in your bloated beer belly for glucose gut rot. Need more reasons? Well, in a real survey sent to Millennials, they responded that they drink hard seltzers for three reasons. One, they’re healthier than beer. Two, they’re low calorie. And three, (ready for this…) they’re … Instagrammable. So, pose away you posers and smile pretty. The next time someone writes about the downfall of civilization, I’m sure they’re going to use a picture from one of your social media posts.
Bud Light
It’s no secret that sports fans love their beer. I mean, they’ll take a baseball off the chest just to save their suds. And their number one beer, with sales doubling their closest competitor, is Bud Light. Maybe they win because of their dominant Super Bowl advertising. Or even better the ads that never made it to TV like Swear Jar, In the Can and Tongue and Cheeks. Regardless Bud Light, just like every other light beer, is a great car-bar beer to get primed and piss drunk whether that’s before an NHL game or a youth hockey association matchup. How else will you get the courage to tell an athlete, child or otherwise, that they play sports like “absolute dog shit?” Yes, these sports fans are serious about their teams and their beer. If you can’t hear them coming from a mile away, rolling their plastic cooler up to the tailgate, you can spot them wearing their favorite team’s jersey. Why not dress like a seven-year-old, wearing a jersey of another grown-man’s name on your back? They sell them at Walmart in adult XXL for a reason, right?
Craft Beer
Perhaps the biggest dorks of all drinkers is the craft beer snob. These nerds think they’re better than everyone else because they can break down a beer’s chemical make-up using some Pale Ale Pythagorean theorem. They’ll often conduct their own ex-beer-iments, attempting to brew some ill-conceived Belgium Peanut Butter Pumpkin Porter that contains more sediment than the Mississippi River. And don’t let these science-loving slobs trick you into believing they’re athletes, either. Their FUPA filled bike shorts tell a different story. Sure, they can ride their ten-speeds to every microbrewery in the state, but they’re still not burning off 275 calories per IPA. Even the menu at a craft brewery is nerdy. It’s like trying to speed read a Harry Potter chapter full of wizard spells. Usually this leads to you taking too long and pissing-off the bartender, in which they appease you with a Blonde Ale, because it’s the closest thing to a Bud Light.
