Fantasy Football Etiquette: Your Guide To Not Acting Like An Idiot
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This time of year, you can’t swing a pair of Nike Dunks without hitting someone talking about fantasy football. But you washed-up athletes aren’t fooling us—your dorkines is just one spreadsheet away from joining s Magic: The Gathering league. So, before you get back to your fantasy football obsession, make sure you do it with integrity and class by following these simple tips.
Don’t Lose Friendships Over It
You're probably in a fantasy football league with your friends. Make sure to stay on top of the rules and avoid pissing people off. You not understanding how “injured reserve spots” work and constantly complaining about it is not their problem. Remember, fantasy football is just a game, not a reason to make your social circle smaller than your league’s bench players. The only thing worse than a last-minute field goal costing you the championship is realizing you’ve lost a friend over it—and that’s a loss that can’t be replaced with a waiver wire pickup.
Don’t Do It At Work
Checking your fantasy football team at work would be like bringing a karaoke machine to a board meeting: it’s fun for you but makes everyone else question your life choices. While your colleagues are tirelessly working on business strategy, you’re strategizing what kicker to pick up during your bye week. Not only does this distract you from actual productivity, but it also increases the risk of the dreaded "Caught You" moment, when your boss strolls by just as you’re changing your team’s name to CeeDeez Nutz.
Don’t Bet Against Your Favorite Team
There’s no doubt at some point during the season you’ll find yourself screaming at the TV for your favorite team to do well. But this is only on the condition that they don’t overshadow the star player from the rival squad who’s inexplicably become your new best friend this season. Football fans, here’s a tip, don’t sell out your team loyalties for a chance to win a cardboard championship belt that your commissioner ordered off Temu. Cheering against your favorite team is like rooting for someone to win a race while simultaneously hoping they trip over their own feet. Inevitably you’re trapped in an emotional rollercoaster that will need serious psychiatric counseling.
Don’t Act Like You’re Good At It
You might watch a lot of sports but pretending that you’re good at fantasy football is like claiming you're good at playing pulltabs. Don’t go getting cocky in group texts after winning a game because your opponent lost points when their kick returner fumbled a punt. You had nothing to with that lucky-ass play. Behind your bullshit bravado is a person who’s only talent is Googling "what defense should I pick up” and then strutting around your friends like you just cracked the Da Vinci Code.
Don’t Make Stupid Trade Offers
Aggressively fleecing your friends with trade offers that make them question their grasp on basic math is not only socially suspect, but also a great way to earn the title of “League Scumbag.” Sure, you might end up with a roster that looks like a delicious fantasy football buffet, but you’ll also find yourself alone at the draft table next year, hoping someone doesn’t spit in your chip dip. So, remember, if you want to avoid becoming the fantasy football equivalent of a Facebook Marketplace scam artist, maybe dial back the trade aggression and aim for a little camaraderie over cutthroat competitiveness.
Don’t Constantly Talk About It
Don’t you see the glazed look in people’s eyes when you bring up fantasy football? Nobody cares about your “epic comeback.” It’s like when people tell you about their dreams—there are no boundaries of reality, therefore it’s like being trapped in an endless loop of that abstract piece of art where the stairs go in all directions. So, for the love of all things decent, either keep the fantasy football chatter to a minimum, or start a podcast for the nine whole people who give a shit.
Don’t Not Try
Paying attention, not auto-drafting and keeping up your team is essential if you want to avoid the icy stares of league mates who’ve been watching you zone out all season like a cat in a sunbeam. It’s not just about setting your lineup; it’s about paying your dues—literally and figuratively. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself relegated to the “Never Again” list and miss out on all things fun that your friends organize. No, don’t be that person who treats fantasy football like a free trial and quit because the first episode was just meh. Make sure you’re engaged, involved, and willing to pony up. After all, fantasy football games don’t take much skill to win, other than understanding bye weeks.
Good Luck. You’ll Need It.
Chances are your team will be eliminated by Thanksgiving, but until then, keep fantasy football light, fun and to your inner voice. Remember, mastering the etiquette requires not only a keen understanding of player stats and strategic waiver wire moves, but also a balance of social diplomacy and psychotic overthinking. Because in the end, fantasy football isn’t just a game. It’s a delicate dance of arrogance and buffoonery for people who would rather not spend time on things that are actually important in their lives.
