SKÖLIOSIS Week 11—Vikings 34, Packers 31.

We all know the famous Einstein quote, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  

This sentence also perfectly explains the 2021 Minnesota Vikings season both on the field, as well as the overall experience for the team’s tortured fanbase. Even Coach Zimmer recently admitted that when it comes to the purple this season, “Sunday Funday” isn’t a thing:

Quite the contrary, as each Sunday this season Vikings fans have spent a full 4-hours (this generally includes an entire overtime)—before surrendering with a few check down passes just short of a first down or missing a kick to end the game. On one hand, it would seem that this predictable weekly pain might be peaceful. At least we knew what was coming and could prepare for it, like Bradley Cooper cooking his dog a steak in A Star is Born.

Before we go any further, we’d like to say hello to a few people. Hi Kirk! Hello Klint! Coach Zimmer, what’s up!?

Are we positive that Kirk Cousins, Klint Kubiak, and Coach Zimmer are among the dozens of loyal Sköliosis readers? Not necessarily, but they’re sure acting like it. 

Consider that over the past 2-weeks we’ve heard the Vikings referred to as “aggressive” on several occasions. Kirk has doubled his yards per throw, and is regularly taking shots downfield. Justin Jefferson looks like Randy Moss. The transformation has been unbelievable.

It’s as if the entire Vikings offense went in for “Low T” and were given enough syringes of testosterone to turn their backs into the pimple version of a fidget pad.

Even our usually reserved quarterback is trying to do cool things like honk and wave at unsuspecting Vikings fans after victories: 

Okay, let’s pretend we didn’t watch that video because it’s somehow a reminder that this isn’t going to end well. 

To be clear, Kirk has been doing his job. And doing it well. But we can’t help but think that when we get into the real thick of it, we will quickly be reminded that our quarterback is more Ringo Star than rock star. 

The question for Vikings fans is what do we do now? It’s not an easy answer. The Vikes are a plucky .500 with a handful of nice wins, and a few “woulda, coulda, shoulda” games that went the other way. Even Barstool’s Pardon My Take had the purple on their list of top three teams no one wants to play in NFL. 

It’s not going to be easy. The Vikings are like a hangover, no matter how many times you tell yourself you won’t do it again—it keeps happening even though you should know better.

And this particular Vikings season has not been for the faint of heart. A whopping eight of the Vikings games this season have been decided on the last play. Being a fan has been light years away from a peaceful and predictable morphine drip. No, it’s been more like a 6-year old running around your living room every Sunday while threatening to throw a football in your face, double pumping over and over again. Yes, this Vikings season has been enough to make you start flinching for no reason. We’re all seeing ghosts.

That said, the writers of the Sköliosis column recently decided to listen to our good buddy Al Einstein, and try something completely different while watching the Vikings: 

• We attended a Vikings game in person at SoFi stadium in Los Angeles. 

• We listened to a game on the radio in a sauna going back and forth from jumping in a lake.

• We watched part of a game from a Lifetime Fitness elliptical machine and listened to the rest on the radio while picking someone up from the airport. 

On that last point, it’s hard to give Cousins too much crap when we just confessed to using the elliptical machine. And this might be the perfect metaphor for our quarterback. That nagging noise we all hear in the back of our heads is telling us that when things get really hard, like Rocky Balboa chasing chickens, eating raw eggs, and running up staircases wearing a groutfit hard—the Vikings will still be a team with a quarterback on the elliptical. We can just picture Cousins getting his personal best on the elliptical only to get off the machine, and fist pump before wiping the machine down thoroughly with wipes from a nearby dispenser. Honk! Honk! It’s me, Kirk! Howdy y’all! At the end of the day, Cousins is more Flanders than Favre. He just is.

That said, this primary research has allowed us to make our first definitive conclusion of the season: 

It’s way better to be doing something else while watching a Vikings game than just watching a Vikings game.

Whether attending in person, or trying out a buddy’s DIY Russian sauna—the purple make far better background noise. And let’s be honest, even at 5-5 they can’t be trusted to be the focal point from which to build your Sunday around. 

I think the reason for this is if you’re doing something constructive, the outcome of the game matters way less. Let’s explore two scenarios: 

Scenario 1: 

You watch an entire Vikings game on TV in your basement, and they lose on the last play of the game or overtime. You emerge from the basement after four hours, and once you’ve adjusted to the sunlight you can see your spouse mouthing the words, “Why do you do it?”  There’s no way around the fact that you’ve just spent the last 4 hours losing, or being a loser. Or watching losing, or watching losers. None of it is good, and the stink is so deep on your person that it would take a bath in tomato soup to get it off. 

Scenario 2: 

You watch, or listen to the Vikings game while doing something constructive. If you’re struggling for a constructive activity, here are 10: 

1)    Hanging Christmas lights

2)    Working out (no elliptical) 

3)    Landscaping, or manscaping

4)    Bleaching your teeth 

5)    Walking your dog

6)    Fall clean-up (leaves, sticks, etc.)

7)    Paint-a-plate

8)    Moving stuff around in your yard (this actually counts as long as you’re wearing work gloves)

9)    Sudoku

10) Writing a hand-written letter to someone 

Win or lose, our research suggests that the Vikings fan in Scenario 2 will feel more fulfilled after watching or listening to the Vikings as they do something else. Because win or lose, you’ll have done something constructive. And no one can take that away from you, not even the Vikings. 

To refer back to the hangover analogy, spending four hours only watching the Vikings is like having a hangover from drinking alone. It makes you feel dirty, and it makes you feel shame. By contrast, watching or listening to the Vikings while you do something productive is like being hungover after a big night out. It may leave you twisting the cap of the Advil and wasting the next day horizontal, but at least you got a big night out of it. You did something constructive along the way.

So let’s not Viking alone. Let’s try new things, and do something constructive while we Viking. Our more aggressive Vikings have shown us they can change these last couple weeks, it’s time we as fans show them we can change too. So go ahead and make a deposit this week, instead of your standard withdrawal. Try something productive as you Viking, it’s a lot healthier than just doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

It’s science people, listen to Einstein!