SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 1: SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THESE — Vikings 28 Giants 6
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
If you haven’t read a fable lately, it might be time to crack open an old story from way back in 1819. Because after one week, it appears the 2024 Minnesota Vikings are about to wake us from our slumber! A resounding 28-6 victory over longtime nemesis the New York Giants, even included a breakout performance by new Viking linebacker Andrew Van Ginkel.
Sköliosis is no stranger to metaphors, so let’s play this one out. The story of Rip Van Winkle follows a Dutch American villager who essentially gets over-served with some strong liquor and falls into a deep, deep sleep in the Catskill Mountains. When he awakens 20 years later, he finds a very changed world, and that he’s missed quite a bit—including a revolution.
Rip Van Ginkel
At the center of our purple children’s book, sits new linebacker Andrew Van Ginkel. Not only does this guy have the look of someone whose slept for 20-years, he played Week 1 like he had stored up two decades of desire. Check out this stat line from the Vikings new long-haired stud:
4 Tackles (2 solo)
1 Sack
1 Interception for a pick 6
If 5 Hour Energy needs a new spokesperson, they could do a lot worse than Rip Van Ginkel, who is well on his way to earning his $20 Million from the Vikings, one game into his stint with the Purple. The Vikings are even deploying a new 4-3 defense under Brian Flores, or as we affectionately call it, the Van Ginkel Wrinkle.
Tired Ben Affleck
Maybe this is the wake up call the Vikings needed. Let’s be honest, we were all getting tired of the check-down purgatory that Kirk Cousins had relegated us too. Hell, wide receiver Jordan Addison was so bored with the program, he fell asleep behind the wheel of his car!
Maybe all this team needed to get into the power rankings was a good power nap. These last few years, Vikings fans have been moping around like tired Ben Affleck, handcuffed to our own J. Lo (Kirk), leaving us constantly angry and perpetually defeated. And now, just like Ben, we emerge free and independent divorced from Kirk, feeling fresh after our twenty-year nap.
Sam Darnold’s Sleep Number is Set to Awesome
Don’t look now, but the one player we all assumed would be jet lagged, showed up fresh and revitalized on Sunday to lead the Purple to victory. Maybe it’s time we all set our sleep numbers to 14, because sweet dreams are made of these, as new Vikings (and former Jet) quarterback Sam Darnold appears to be living the life of a John Denver song.
Darnold found new life at MetLife. The former first round pick was “leavin; on a Jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again.” And a few years later he wakes up throwing TD passes to Justin “the Jet” Jefferson, before putting the final Jalen Nailor in the Giants coffin.
It Could Have Been the Quarterback
At the end of the day, we’re still Vikings fans here at Sköliosis, so we wouldn’t be doing our job unless we at least pondered the possibility that Daniel Jones and the New York Giants might be really, really bad.
We had given Danny Dimes the benefit of the doubt, mostly because he had been trying out some new facial hair this offseason. But even if you were listening to the game on your pontoon (did we mention you should totally be listening to the game on your pontoon), you could still hear the Giants faithful booing their quarterback like only New York fans can.
So, yes, it’s possible Daniel Jones is a direct descendent of the Davey Jones Locker—the famous oceanic abyss, and the final resting place of drown sailors, travelers, and apparently NFL offenses.
It Could Have Been the Jerseys
If it wasn’t Daniel Jones tossing dimes into his personal Bermuda Triangle, it also could have been the Giants throwback uniforms that did them in. Any hockey fan would have noticed the Giants throwbacks were exact replicas of the Montreal Canadians jerseys. Had the Giants done their research they would have known that the Minnesota Wild are 21-7-1-2 all time against the Canadians. They probably should have rolled with a different kit. Opa!
Waking Up On The Right Side Of The Bed
It’s early, we don’t need to get Darnold fitted for the Hall of Fame jacket just yet. That said, it felt pretty good to wake up on the right side of the bed to start the 2024 season. In Kevin O’Connell’s tenure 17 of his 20 wins were one score games, so winning by 22 this Sunday felt like an indulgence.
Only time will tell if this Vikings wakeup call turns into a wet dream soaked in playoff champagne and the start of a Purple revolution, or merely a blip on the radar of what most pundits say will be a non-playoff team. But after an off season filled with nightmares losing players to tragedy, injury, and free agency, it sure felt good to get an off-season that felt like 20 years out of our system. It was like a purple purgatory purge, genuinely therapeutic for a fan base that has endured so much.
So get your beauty sleep Vikings fans, we have a real test with the Niners next. Start counting sheep and set those alarm clocks to noon next Sunday. Let’s go!
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